Sometimes Misunderstood

I think I heard Angels sing...

2007-08-28T00:57:00.002-04:00

I am just going to drop this post, like I have NOT been MISSING for the past half of a year.

Yep..just like that.

The first time that I saw him, I was walking to my desk. He had dealings at my job.

I wondered his nationality, he looked...ummm...Spanish, maybe? Something. Not American..
his skin was tan. He had dark hair. He was hot. Smokin. Sexy. Damn him.

He was standing on the opposite side from where I work, but he looked annoyed,
so I asked him if he needed help.

"No.." he said with his thick accent. "Someone will come..don't worry about me.."

"But I do worry about you.." I said with a smile. "That's my job!"

Well, not really. But there is nothing worse than a pissed off car dealer.

"Oh.." he said, like he was trying to flirt.."it's your job to keep me happy?"

I just gave him a smirk, and thinking to myself... I could make you happy, alright.

I saw him a few times a week, he was always at the same counter, always waiting for someone
to come help him. "Damn, these bitches!" I thought to myself.

Why is this man always waiting for someone to help him? Can't someone just..help him?

We always spoke. I always asked him if he was good. He had sexy dimples when he smiled.

One day, I was sitting at my desk. He was standing at the counter behind my desk.
"Pssssst..." he said quietly. "Can I get some help?" he whispered.
I got up and walked over to him. "Whassup sweetie?" I said. "Whatcha need?"

He just wanted to make small talk. He asked me my name, and wanted to know how long I have worked there. One of his buddies came up along side him, and they just gave each other a look.

I didn't get it.

He asked me for my number. "My cell?" I asked, confused.
"No, your number here" he said. "I don't want to call you on your cell phone, just yet" he said

"ummm...okay" I said. I wrote my work number on a piece of paper that he handed me.
"I'll call you" he said.

And he did. I didn't know what to say. I was confused as to what exactly he wanted.
I asked what I was doing later that evening.

Ahhh..I get it now..he wants to hang out!

He told me to call him later that evening and I said I would.
I didn't.

He came into work a few days later and asked me why I didn't call.
I told him that I didn't know. He said "Well, give me your cell number, I will call you!"
I rattled off my cell number. I turned away and smiled.

He called me around 5:30 that evening. He wanted to know what I was doing that night.
"Well, my son has baseball at 7." I said. "I should be done around 9:30 ish"

He said he would call me later.
He called right when the game was starting. He could hear all the kids yelling and he said that he would call me after the game. He called.
We talked for about an hour and I found out a lot about him. He is funny. He was in the US Army. He is an American Citizen. He speaks four languages. He has 2 sons that live with him. He is divorced.
His ex-wife gives him the blues. ~LOL~

I liked him. And apparently, he liked me too.

He called me the next day at work and we talked for a few minutes. He said that he would be around later that evening, if I wanted to go out. Being non-commital, as I usually am, I told him to call me and I would see.

When he called, I was laid out on the couch watching the Mets game. He wanted to come over to my place and hang out. Hmmmm..not sure if that is going to work out. I told him that my son was home, and that I just couldn't roll out like that. He said that he was coming my way, (we live about an hour apart) and that he would call when he got close.

He called and I didn't answer the phone. I couldn't. Someone was at my house.
yep. Sexy man. I was conflicted! I didn't know what to do. I called him back, and told him
some half ass story about being tired. ~whatever~ I know. I suck.

The next time he called, he got a little luckier. My son was away for the night, and he wanted me to come out. "I am already in my pajamas" I said, trying to make excuses.

"Here's what I want you to do.." he said in his sexy accent. "Get up. Get your purse. Put on some shoes, and go get in your car."

"okay.." I said. A chill ran down my legs. I did just what he asked.

We met up about 15 minutes later. When I pulled up behind his truck, he hopped out and walked to my car. He opened my door and took my hand. He shut my door and backed me up against my car. He kissed me.

And I thought I heard angels sing.

Did she say that?

2007-03-27T00:38:00.000-04:00

Yes, I did.

I was looking thru my archives, and this is what I came up with.
Damn, I am hilarious. And I really said these things!

“He is not ready for the person that I am.
That I will always be.He could never love me.
Not ever like I would need him to.
Not then. Not now. Not ever…”

“I am just gonna roll with this. That's all I can do.
I am OK.
No tears.
No freaking out.
No "HO" been jilted behavior.
No fires. No tire slashing.
No lurking. No investigation!”

“I'm glad that I feel some jealousy.
If that makes me weak--so be it.
If that makes me insecure--so what.
I am embracing it.
It tells me that I care.
I think it's good for my soul.”

“I'll be somebody's ho--all night long--but I don't need no pimp.
period.”

“So everyone beware. The bitch in me is sleeping.
You can nudge her every now and again, but please don't wake her.
Unless you are ready to deal with her.
She's evil.”

“Did I say that I quit?
Then that's what I did.
There is no need for discussion.All decisions here are final.
Always.”

“I don't wanna work! I wanna stay in bed late, and cook and iron clothes!
And do what I want!”

“I am not that baby mama and I never will be..”

“I say that I am over it..and that I have embraced the fact that things need sun AND RAIN to grow.If there was just sun..everything would be burnt the fuck up.Rain is good.”

“It is impossible to get over someone when you open
your eyes in the morning and see them sleeping next to you.”

“We have a connection that is not that easy to walk away from.
And I am just not ready.
I'm not.”

“But right now, as much as I think I want to,I can’t forget him..
and I don’t know if I even want to try.”

"You can't be here. This is a bad idea"....
"I'm not sure what you don't understand about that.."

“Do something. Do something for me, that benefits you IN NO WAY.
Keep it real. Show me something.
He just don't care about me.”

“Give a brutha up? Nah. Not because I can't..
because I don't want to.”

That is not my job!

2006-12-29T00:11:00.000-05:00

The boy woke me up EARLY on Christmas day. Before 7am.
"Come'on mom..GET UP! I wanna open my presents!"

I dragged myself out of bed, and went to make coffee.
Sexy man was coming for breakfast. This was the first
Christmas that we would actually be together.

He came over a little while later, and the 3 of us ate breakfast.
It was nice. After we ate, I was in the kitchen cleaning up.
"Why don't you call Papa B?" I said.
I didn't get an answer.
Sexy man was in the boys room with him.
The boy was going over his gifts, and
showing sexy man some of the video games he got.
They were in there just chatting away.

FYI..."Papa B" is the father of 'the boy'
"Papa G" is sexy man.
It's a damn shame, that even though Papa G has
only been around for a few years, that he is, in the boy's
opinion, on the same playing field as his own father.

"Ty.." I said again, "Why don't you call Papa B?"
He came out of his room and into the kitchen.
"Because I don't want to" he whispered.
"Why are you whispering?" I asked, also in a whisper.
"Because, I don't want Papa G to hear us talking about
"the father that's on my birth certificate!"

Huh?
It's like that?
Wow.

A few hours later when sexy man left, I went outside
and called baby daddy.
The phone rang, but I got his voice mail.

I left a message. "It's me...call me...bye."
I didn't hear from him the rest of the day.

The boy and I went to my Auntie's house for dinner around 4pm.
When we left at 10pm, I called baby daddy again.
This time, I didn't leave a message.
I was kinda pissed at the whole situation.
He bitches and moans constantly about not seeing the boy,
but this is the shit I get. This is always what I get.

He never called me or his child on Christmas.
Or the next day.

On the 3rd day, I woke up to the following message, left at 7am.

"Brenda. You are SO fucked up!! Lemme guess..you begged and begged
Tyler to call me on Christmas, and he refused. Why couldn't you have
MY SON call HIS FATHER on Christmas? You're such a fucking
bitch! You're so fucked up! This is bullshit. This is bullshit.
This is fucking bullshit. You KNEW I had gifts for him. Yet you
REFUSE to let me see him. On FUCKING CHRISTMAS!
You're a fucking bitch, and I will see you in court. I hope you
get to feel what it's like to not see or talk to your son.
I am filing for custody."

I take a deep breath and dial his number.

"You have a lot of nerve leaving that bullshit-ass message
on my phone." I said.

And then he started.
Basically, he said that I never called him on Christmas. At all.
Then he changed his story and said that he knew I called but,
was not answering his phone at 10pm so that I could tell
him that the boy was asleep and that he could not see him.
Then I was all kinds of bitches. Then he hung up on me.

That was yesterday, and he has not called back.
He has not made the effort to call the boy, either.
(the boy has HIS OWN cell phone, that his father is
more than welcome to call whenever he wants, it
is the boy's decision whether or not to answer)

So, as always, this is my fault.
It is my fault because I didn't MAKE the boy
call his father. (His father seems to think that "I"
should punish the boy if he refuses to make a phone call,
ummm...not happening. I choose my battles way wiser than that)

I guess it is also "my fault" that baby daddy didn't attempt
to call his own child. And for some reason, baby daddy thinks that I
should facilitate their relationship. That I should make excuses
for baby daddy whenever he lies, doesn't show up, or doesn't call.

Okay..the boy is not 3. And I used to do that shit when the boy was
small. But I decided that baby daddy needs to take responsibility for
his relationship with his child. I take care of everything.
I make sure he has a place to live.
Food.
Entertainment.
Homework done.
Gets up for school.
Eats lunch.
Is warm and safe.
Is happy.
I take care of him when he is sick.

So, now this asshole is telling me that it is ALSO my
responsibility to make sure he has a relationship with
his son? Please. That is not my job, and I won't do it.

The Vacation...the final days

2006-12-21T23:49:00.000-05:00

We were in Key West, and I had "duty" with the boys.
Karen and Kris were going to some butterfly place.

The boys both had money, and we walked around to all the shops.
It was an interesting little place. I let the boys both buy
brass knuckles and T-shirts that said "If you see da police,
Warna Brutha" With the WB logo.

Fucking Hilarious.

I called sexy man, and we talked for about 15 minutes.
He missed me! And man, I felt a little guilty.
Okay. A lot guilty.
There was just no (good) reason for me to be doing
this shit. What the fuck? Why?
I guess only I could answer that.

Anyway, since we were only in Key West for a few hours,
the boys and I headed back to the boat after we did a little
browsing. I was tired, from the night before, and I wanted
to go to the pool and take a nap.

I saw my Farnsworth, and he told me his schedule for the
rest of the day. Damn, they just be workin a brutha to death.

We were gonna in Mexico the next day,
so we didn't make any hook-up plans.
Besides, I needed a break.

A break to get my head together.

Farnsworth worked by the pool, so I saw him all the time.
I would just watch him work, pretending to catch some rays.
Karen and Kris pretty much acted like asses when he was around,
and that of course, pissed me off. He didn't want me talking to them
about him, because he didn't want them to snitch him out.
Understandable.

We had lots of fun stuff planned in Mexico, the first day, we went
to the beach all day, and the next, we drove dune buggies all
around Mexico and then went to the beach.
We had a lot of fun and the boys loved it!
When we got back on the boat, it was time to head out to sea.
Again.

Farnsworth and I hooked-up that night. We basically kept private
things private. We didn't ask a lot of questions, but we talked
about surface shit. Daily shit. Boat shit. Work shit.

The boy woke up in the middle of the night, and was trying to
turn the light on, and we were cracking up. He turned the light
on and just stared at us, and got up and went to the bathroom, and
went back to his bed. Farnsworth smiled at me, and I poked my
finger into his dimple. He said.."I hope our kids look like him
(pointing to the boy) but have dimples like me..."

Huh?

No seriously.

What did you just say?

Lawdhammercy.

I told him, that when we get back to Baltimore, I wanted him
to get off the boat. To come live with me...to just come with me.

I was serious, but I already knew the answer..

He laughed and said that he could not do that..

Okay. You can't say that I didn't try.

The next to last night he explained that he could not come
to my room, nor could he be near my room on the last
night. Too many people running around picking up
luggage, etc.
We would have to do our final booty smacking sometime
the following afternoon..the last full day on the boat.

I saw him early that morning, when I got to the pool.
He winked and put up 1 finger and then pointed down.
1:00pm in my room.

I nodded my head.

I decided at that moment, that I was gonna ask this man
once more, to quit this fucking boat, and come home with me.
I did.
And he didn't.

We said our goodbyes. He hugged me up tight.
He said " I luvya babygurl" and I know he was telling the truth.
I didn't say anything.
I was too sad to speak.

We did not exchange numbers, or email addresses.
The last thing he said to me was "If you need to get in touch with me to
tell me the baby has my dimples...you will figure out how to, right?"

Right.

The Vacation...Scene 2

2006-12-10T23:53:00.000-05:00

"Farnsworth Bentley" pulled out a piece of paper and a pen.
"Put your cabin number on here for me" he said in his sexy
Caribbean accent. I gave him my cabin number and drew
a big heart on it. When I handed it back to him he put his hand
to his ear and mouth saying "I'll call you"...I shrugged my shoulders
to say "when" and he put up one finger on each hand.
I guess he was saying 11 o'clock.

After we finished our drinks, we decided to get acquainted
with our new "home", afterall, we would be living here for
the next 9 days. We found the bars, the night club, and went
to visit each other's rooms. We decided to split up and then meet in
the casino in 15 minutes.

The casino is not the place I need to be. Not my unlucky ass.
But I agreed, went to my room, grabbed a few bucks and went
to wait for my friends. We lasted about 10 minutes in there.
I was not about to gamble away my vacation money. Nope.
As we were getting ready to leave, I looked at my watch.
11:15. Shit.

There was a cute little guy in the casino from
South Africa. He had a Taye Diggs look and I stopped to
talk to him. After about a minute, I saw someone out of the corner
of my eye. Farnsworth. He came to find me! ~Hilarious~
I told him I was going to my room and to call me in 10 minutes.

When I got to the room, the boy was there, in his bed watching TV.
He looked at his watch and then gave me a look, as if to say
"where have you been?" I ignored that. I laid across my bed
cuz I was sho nuff tired. A few minutes later, the phone rang.
It was my Farnsworth. "Hey ba-by gurl"
Damn. Why his voice gotta sound like that?
He asked if he could come to my room, and I said okay.
I know that this is just not allowed.
Crew members are not allowed to be in passengers rooms.
I guess it's a chance he was willing to take.

The next morning, I felt as though someone had driven a 18-wheeler
through me. My stuff hurt.
Literally. Dude turned me out.
I was up until 4am, and had to meet my friends for breakfast
at 8. When I got to the dining room I could barely sit.
Karen and Kris just laughed. I didn't have to tell them anything.
Besides, I don't talk about my sexual business. I feel like it's bad luck
and I am not a pimp. I do not want any of my friends getting too curious
about what I'm doing. Fuck fighting about some dick. I don't do that.
I would catch a fucking charge. I'd become a felon if one of my friends
tried me like that. That's just how I roll.

We basically lounged at the pool all day, I enjoyed my free drinks,
courtesy of my Farnsworth. I couldn't wait to get in bed that night.
The next day, we would be arriving at our first stop. Miami, baby!
I had never been there, and was expecting an experience.

Before I knew it, it was morning. We hung out at the pool and waited
to arrive in Miami. I was anxious to get off the boat. My Farnsworth
told me to be careful and to watch over "his son" (damn? It's like that already?)

There was transportation drama, I just wanted to shop a little and see some of
Miami. My friends, well..they have a different flavor than I do. They
wanted to pay 20.00 per person to ride some shuttle bus. Fuck that.

I called sexy man to find out what we should do. He didn't answer his phone,
but I know what he would have said anyway. We think too much alike.

I walked over to this Jamaican dude and started talking to him.
"Where should we go?..we have kids with us.." He suggested going to
Bayside to do some shopping. He also suggested that we not go to South Beach
with the boys. Although I wanted to experience that, For safety reasons,
I would rather do it without the boy. It was already dark, and I think that's just
too crazy of a scene for him. The Jamaican dude charged us 10.00 TOTAL to take
all us to Bayside in his little shuttle cab. He gave me his cell number so that I could
call him when we wanted to be picked up. When we were finished, I called him,
and he was there picking us up within 5 minutes.
That's what I'm talking about. It's good to have a personality sometimes.
Dude gave me his card.."Call me whenever you are in Miami" he said with a wink.
"Bet" I replied. We were due to leave for Key West in 2 hours. We got back on
the boat and went to deck 9 for a drink.

I ran into Farnsworth and we made plans to hook up that night.
He said that he finished work late the night before, and didn't want
to call my room that late. I told him to just call...or come...every night.
~LOL~

He was freaky, yet so passionate. I don't think there was anything that
he wouldn't do. He was all about taking care of his business. Damn.
I wanted to tell my friends SO BAD, that he was just laying it down.
That he was taking good care of their girl.
But I was not going there with them, mainly because
I know they were talking about me behind my back.
But I didn't and still don't give a damn.
Fucking Haters.

On Tuesday morning, for the second time on this trip,
my body was aching.
My stuff felt like it was on fire.
Farnsworth definitely had a thing for me.
I liked him and the things that he did to me.
He was sexy as hell with them dimples.
This was turning into a problem.

The Vacation... Scene 1

2006-12-07T00:49:00.000-05:00

The boat was leaving at 4pm on Friday the 10th of November...
I had sexy man call me so that I could get up early and finish packing.

We were going to be gone for 9 days, and I had to
pack for me and the boy. Last year, I didn't pack
enough of the right clothes, and was pissed that I ran
out of sweats and t-shirts, so this time..I got everything covered.

Sexy man was going to drive us to the port.
It was probably a 20 minute drive,
and he wanted to leave my place by 1pm,
so he could get back to work.

I was meeting 2 of my friends once we got on the boat..
they were responsible for getting their own ride.
Sexy man, late as always, showed up around 2..
which was what I was planning on anyway....
I already had all my stuff in the car..I gave him the rundown
before we left the house..

"Shouldn't none of these bitches around here be knocking at the door...
I told them that you would be staying here,
but also let them know that I would be straight cutting bitches
when I get back." He really didn't want to be bothered with people
trying to hang out or borrow sugar, or anything else, so I let them know.

"The rent is paid..the lights, paid..the cable..paid.
Make sure you check the mail atleast
every 2 days, so Ted (the mailman) doesn't leave you any nasty notes!...
You ready to roll?"

We drove to the port, and chatted about nothing.
Man, I was going to miss him.
When we got to the port, we dropped our luggage off,
and he gave me a hug and a kiss.

"Have a safe trip, baby girl" He said with a wink.
"Have fun man" he said to the boy.

We walked to the boat. I saw my friend Kris,
and we went thru security together.
I called my friend Karen on her cell.."Where you at chick?"
"Just walking around..I'll come meet you.."

People were rude as soon as we got on the boat.
The boy and his little friend..they
were just so excited to be going on vacation,
and they wanted to see everything.
We went to get on the elevator and this old couple
made a comment about "kids jumping at them"
The boy frowned his face. "Mom..that lady told her
husband that she didn't want kids jumping at her all week"
he said and lowered his eyes
and looked in her direction. "Well maybe she wants ME to jump at her instead!"
I said loud enough for her to hear. The boy laughed.
That problem is solved, I thought.
Don't mess with me while I'm on vacation.

We went to our room. Small, just like I knew it would be,
but not a big deal.. I only sleep and shower there anyway.
I hang out when I cruise. I spend maybe
1 waking hour in the room on any given day.

After we set sail, I met my friends on deck 9.
Thats where the pool and one of the
bars were located. The 3 of us were sitting at the table,
having a smoke. One of the waiters came to our table
and asked Karen if she wanted a drink.
His accent..yeah, he had me already with that.
An Island man. Jesus.
She ordered something alcoholic and I laughed.
He turned to me and asked if I needed anything.
I thought for a minute..."Yeah, I'll take one of you"
I said it in all seriousness.
He was sexy.
He had beautiful dark skin and 2 big'ol dimples.
I checked out his name and where he was from..
St. Vincent and the Grenadines.
And his name? Well..we lovingly nick-named him
"Farnsworth Bentley"
He went to get Karen's drink.

Karen, Kris and I all gave each other the look.
We giggled.
"Goddamn, Brenda.." Karen said
"We aint even been on the boat for 4 hours
and you are already securing yourself some dick."

"Don't fucking hate!" I said.

Farnsworth brought Karen her drink. He brought one for me too..
"I got you" he wispered in my ear. "I got you this whole week"
He flashed me his dimples.
Damn. You sure the fuck do.

~More to come~

I love him..and now he knows it..

2006-11-07T08:05:00.000-05:00

"I love you, baby" I just said softly, as I kissed him on his cheek.
His arms wrapped around me.

As soon as those words came out of my mouth, I wondered why.
I have said it to him many times..but never with so much..so much passion.
I actually meant that shit.

I had just played the big joker. No more trump cards left.
That was it. A brutha done broke this sister down.

I quickly looked up at him..he grinned and let out a laugh.
He actually looked embarassed.
But not half as embarassed as me. It just came out so freely.
Like that is what I was supposed to say at that exact moment.

I backed away from him and said "What? did I just say that?
I don't love you!--Go to work!"

I playfully pushed him out the door,
and checked him out real quick.
"Damn.." I said out loud.
He smiled at me.

He looks good today.
I bought him the tie that he was wearing and
he was rockin it like only a sexy man can!

We both laughed, but the truth is, I do love him
and if he never knew before, he knows now.

Left Alone...Again

2006-11-06T10:33:00.001-05:00

I went outside around 1am this morning to smoke.

I drank too much coffee, and couldn't get to sleep.
I was probably only out there a few minutes when I saw my
neighbor from the next building walking over.

She was mad.

"Do you know this fucking bitch left her daughter?... Again?"

It took me a minute to realize what she was talking about.
Then I knew.

The ghetto bitch in the apartment above her, went out clubbing
and left her 5-year old daughter home alone, and this was not the
first time.

Her daughter comes outside and sits on the steps and cries.

No phone. No contact numbers. No nothing.
5 years old.
What kind of mother does that?
What could ever be more important than the safety of your child?

She said that her mother was not home, and she didn't know where she was.
She woke up and looked for her mother but could not find her.

The police were called and they somehow got in contact with the mom.
She told them that she was at the grocery store "around the corner."

At 1am?
Huh?

It took her more than 30 minutes to get home.
She did not have one fucking thing from the grocery store.

But she did have on high heels and club clothes.
Another neighbor heard her shoes clicking down the stairs around 11pm

This is just not okay.
I know there might be some people that just want to defend her behavior,
but there is no excuse, and no reason good enough to defend that.
I don't care who you are and what your circumstances are.
Period.

The first time...

2006-11-03T12:50:00.000-05:00

..that I laid my eyes on him. I will never, ever forget it.
April 2004.

It was my 3rd day at a new job. I was told that I needed to "see him" to have some
things that I needed set up.

He was rushing around like he was on a mission.
He barely stopped walking to hear my request.
He made some smart-ass comment when I told him what I needed.
A box for in-coming mail.

"And you need this today?" he asked me, slightly annoyed.
I shook my head yes.
"No one even knows youre here!" He said sarcastically.
"Who the hell is going to be sending you mail today?" He snickered.
He shook his head and kept walking.

It made me laugh, but I was annoyed.
I even cursed him under my breath.
Jackass.
I think I'm gonna hate him, I thought.

The next day, I had my little mailbox at my assigned mailstop.
"That's what I'm talkin' about" I said out loud to no one in particular.
"Give me my damn mailbox!" I laughed at myself. I am so funny!

He is still sarcastic and he still makes me laugh.
Only I never ended up hating him like I thought.
I love him. And that's all I have to say about that.

Funny how things change.

Something to think about...

2006-10-26T22:46:00.000-04:00

"One day, you will wake up and realize how much you care for her.
And she will be waking up next to the man that already knew."

Now, that's deep.

No longer welcome, cuz ya don't know how to act.

2006-10-25T23:33:00.000-04:00

So...I got a call the other night, from "the other one". ~sigh~
I'm not quite sure why he just don't leave me the fuck alone.

I told one of my girlfriends, and she was like..
"Girl..you betta get you some of that...he is fine as hell.."

Yeah..fine as hell and a pain in my fucking ass. He is just way too much work
for the little shit he be doing. Yeah, um..basically, he don't do nothing for me that
I can't do for myself. And there are things with him that are just "off limits" anyway.
Who want's to go out like that, even if it's only once in a while.
Well..not me.

I told her the rest of the story about what happened after he called, and she sat there
with a raised eyebrow..."He did WHAT?" she responded.

"Yeah" I said..."That motherfucker almost left out of this bitch dead"

Why do some men think they can just man-handle women?
I don't get it.

So, here's how it went down:

I have not seen "the other one" since about the beginning of July.
I have talked to him on the phone a few times, and he has rang my phone like
he ain't got any sense. To that bullshit, I don't answer.
He called the other night, and wanted to come over. I quickly told him NO.
I am just not feeling him anymore, and as I said..he is way too much work.
Not only that, his baby mama been calling my house because she apparently saw
my number on his bill. ~whatever~
They are not together, and they do not live together.
And why she does this, I have no answer.

I called him out on that shit, telling him to control his baby mama,
or stop calling my fucking number. I prefer that he just stop calling.

We went back and forth about him coming over... and he finally said.."I'm on my way!!"
and hung up the phone. About an hour passed, and I was sure that he was really not coming over, so, I took the dog out for a walk, and came in and got ready for bed.

Just as soon as I turned out all the lights, I heard a quiet knock at the door.
I was about to ignore that shit, but I was pretty mad that he actually showed up,
that I wanted to tell him about himself.

I opened the door, and he pushed past me.
"What's your problem?" he wanted to know.

"I don't have a problem..yet" I answered.
He had his overnight bag. ~huh?~

He went straight to my room and in my bathroom and closed the door.

I followed behind him and said.."You really can't be here..this is not a good idea.."

He snatched open the bathroom door, and said "What the fuck are you talking about?"
He acted seriously confused. Like..he had no idea what I was saying.

"You can't be here. This is a bad idea"....
"I'm not sure what you don't understand about that.."
I am not explaining myself any further than that.
I don't do much explaining these days.

"Okay, then I will leave.." he said. He was pissed. ~Oh well~
I followed him back to the front door, and grabbed a smoke on my way.

He turned around and said.."Awwww..hell naw..I'm not leaving. YET."

I gave him the oh-yes-the-fuck-you-are look. And I pushed past him to open the door,
so he could get the fuck out.

He pushed the door closed. And locked it.

I unlocked the door, and went to turn the knob, and he grabbed my hand.
"I said..I'm not leaving yet!!"
A hot feeling ran thru me, and I recognized it immediately.
It was fear.

I knew what he wanted.
But he wasn't getting it here.
Yeah..dude had to go.

I mean, what?? What the fuck? Who does this kind of shit?
Are you fucking kidding me right now?
So, as a man, what exactly are your options at this point?
Rape? Please. You will never live to see another day.

I finally opened the door and we both went outside.
"Meet me over by my truck" he said. He pointed over in the dark,
and headed in that direction.

Yeah, okay..keep thinking I'm coming over there.
I sad down on the step and lit my cigarette.

It still felt like he had a hold of my wrist, and the thought of that gave me a chill.
Yeah, he had frightened me, but I knew deep down, that he wouldn't do anything
to hurt me. I had never been afraid of him until that moment.

I finished my smoke, and went back inside.
I realized at that moment, that I will never answer my phone again
when he calls. And he will never again set foot in my house.

Minor Setback

2006-09-21T09:55:00.000-04:00

One thing I know for sure...

It is impossible to get over someone when you open your eyes in the morning
and see them sleeping next to you.

I have nothing else to say.

The Connection

2006-09-19T14:50:00.000-04:00

Sexy man and I...well..we have a connection.
It goes beyond anything sexual.

It is emotional.
And that, to me, is far harder to get past.
It is harder to forget. It is harder to let go.
For both of us.

I was shocked when a few weeks ago, I got this email:

I will always have love for you, but I am not supposed to be in your bed. I have to refrain from being in your bed due to several issues that I am not allowed to discuss right now.

Huh?

Huh?

Did you say REFRAIN?
okay, that means that you WANT to be there,
but for whatever reason CAN"T be there.
Okay. That's fine. I'll deal with that.

But fuck you worring about being in my bed..
What I would worry about (If I were you)
is ME being in your HEAD.

Being sexually attracted to someone? Lawdhammercy. I'll be the
first to tell you, it's a motherfucker. But dick is everywhere, and for the
most part, fairly easy to obtain.. and to let go.

What I am talking about..an emotional connection..it pounds at you
harder than any dick ever could. It takes you beyond the bedroom,
and into your soul...

A connection that is not that easy to walk away from.
And I am just not ready. I'm not.

Neither is he.

Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind

2006-09-18T23:28:00.000-04:00

Memories. Some of them are good. Some of them are just painful.
They can be good, yet painful at the same time.

I watched a movie 3 times this weekend. I have seen it before, but I needed to see it again. And again. It sort of made my heart feel better.

I wonder if I had the opportunity, could I and most importantly would I WANT to (I mean really, really WANT to) erase my memories from a relationship from my mind.

Everywhere I look, and everywhere I go, there he is.
Every other thought is of him.
I have no bad memories. No harsh words. We have never even really had a fight. All the memories are good, but when I wake up every morning, I don't want to think of him.

When I get in the shower, I don't want to try and count how many times his nakedness has been in there.

When I blatantly open his shower gel to remember how he smells, I don’t want to be reminded of him. Torture. That’s what it is. Self torture. The worst kind.

I get out of the shower, and scan all my lotions. Not the coconut. Not the brown sugar and fig, not the baby lotion. Nope..can’t use any of those. And definitely not the cherry blossom..all those smells are his. I can just hear him…mmmmmm..that smells nice.

When I am putting on my make up, I have to scoot out of his way, so that he can get ready too. I take the medicine cabinet mirror, and he takes the big one in front of the sink, so he can shave. I look at him, wearing only a towel. I watch him out of the corner of my eye while he puts on shaving cream.

I have always thought that watching a man shave is sexy.

I look down at the tattoo on my wrist. Fresh. Not even a month old.
A picture that he drew. "Baby Bear". --in reference to my complaining.
(It's too hot in here...next minute...damn, it's too cold in here...)
I laugh in spite of my crying heart.

It really is a nickname that I deserve. A nickname that he gave me.

I walk over to my closet. There is his Mets shirt—I pick it up and smell it.
My eyes start to water. I quickly wipe the tears and try to focus.
I am trying to get myself together here.

I look thru my clothes. I can’t wear this..he was with me when I bought it. I can’t wear this, I wore it when we went to the mall last week. I can’t wear this..I wore it the first time we were together. Damn it. He is everywhere. And it’s my own fault.

I see his tie hanging from my closet door. I want him to take it, because I don’t want to see it every day. but I also want to keep it.
I hide it when he comes by, so that he will forget that he left it here.

Oh, there is one of his T-shirts. And the hoodie he let me wear when we got caught in the rain together. And the long sleeve shirt that he made me put on when we were at a late softball game and it got really cold. He even stopped playing so that he could run to the car to get it for me.

There are his socks that he left here..and the 3 pairs that he gave me…
I haven’t even worn them yet.

Shoes..well…this is going to be a problem. These he picked out. These he has the exact same pair. He has a pair of these too. These, he picked out. And those are the shoes that I wore when we…~blushing~ oh, nevermind.

Time for my perfume. He loves this scent. And I remember when I had this one on, and I made him smell me. And I wore this one when we went to that party..

There is the bear that I got the day that he told me he was going through some things.
All he is dressed in is a pair of boxer briefs and a bucket hat.
His name is “Sexy Man” Love!
Cute.

I decide to make myself a PB&J to go, and I smile. I make them for him all the time.
I always tell him that he is not allowed to watch while I do it. I make 'em with love.
And he knows they are the bomb!

I finally get out the door walk down the sidewalk, and try to remember how many times we have walked thru here. I hop into my car. Wow..if this car could talk. I will never forget the first time he was in my car. It was the first night we went out for a drink together.

I pop a CD in. No..I can’t listen to this one, he burned it for me. Not reggae~one of his favorites. And definitely not love songs. I turn on the A/C and laugh out loud. A few weeks ago, he said “Damn, Brenda..can you turn the air down..you could fly a kite in here..” and we laughed for 5 minutes behind that.

There are no memories of him that make me sad. Well, maybe one. Okay..maybe a few. But nothing like the ones that make me smile. And even though I smile, they hurt me.
They make me happy and sad at the same time. But I knnow, that as time goes by, the memories of him won't sting my heart as much as they do now. I know that I will forget how he smells, and forget the funny things he says, and I will make new memories of a different man standing in front of my sink shaving while I watch.

But right now, as much as I think I want to,
I can’t forget him..
and I don’t know if I even want to try.

I hate him more and more each day...

2006-08-27T21:29:00.000-04:00

I called baby daddy to let him know what the boy had found.

“He wants to talk to her..” I said. “He wants to know where she is.”

Baby daddy immediately started ranting.

“YOU did this, Brenda..” he yelled into the phone.

“Tyler does not care about this!”…he said

“I KNOW YOU…you do cruddy shit!” and then he was silent.
That motherfucker wishes he knew me. He has no idea what I am capable of.
He has not even seen cruddy.

We went back and forth about this for a few minutes.

I finally hung up on him. There is no rationalizing with this idiot.
Never.
Ever.
And I refuse to waste my energy trying.
He makes me tired. He makes me sick.

After I hung up on him, I started thinking about something that I discovered a few weeks ago. Baby daddy has petitioned the court for custody of the boy.

Yeah. You read that right. CUSTODY OF THE BOY.

I have tried to put this out of my head. I try not to think about it.
It makes my stomach hurt.
It makes me realize that everyone is capable of homicide, if put in the right position.

I am not saying that this is going to be open and shut. This is serious business.
This fucker is trying to take my child from me.

My child.

The one and only person in this entire world that I would give my life for.

I would, without question, die for him.

So, as always, to get insight and perspective, I call the only person in my life that can give it to me straight. The only person that can weed through all the double talk, and leave the unadulterated truth.

My sexy man.

I give him the cliff notes version. Just to keep it brief.
He listens intently and asks a few questions, just to make sure he is understanding my fragmented sentences. When I am done, he takes a breath.

The first thing he wants to know is if the boy is okay.
Then he says exactly what I am thinking.

This is his fathers shit. And he has some explaining to do.
And he has had 11 years to come up with a story about this.
And he better get it together.
And he better be prepared to answer some difficult questions.
And he better not bullshit the boy, because that will just confuse him even more.

I guess we agree on that aspect. But there is so much more..
The boy is not asking his father. He is asking ME.

I will tell him. I will do my best. Wish me luck.

This is not my shit..

2006-08-20T18:40:00.000-04:00

A few months ago, sexy man and I were having a conversation about baby daddy.
Well, more specifically, the boy and the fact that he has 5 or more brothers and sisters running around the Maryland, Virginia, DC area. Brothers and sisters that he doesn’t know anything about, much less that they even exist in this world.

Sexy man said that he doesn’t understand what baby daddy is waiting for, to have this conversation with the boy, and he was curious if baby daddy even knew that this was his responsiblilty to explain all of this and that this is a BIG DEAL.

I guess I never really gave this much thought. And I believe that it is just ignorance on my part. Thinking that it doesn’t even matter. Who cares, Right? Well. Wrong.

Last week, the boy turned 11. He is not a little boy, anymore.

He is staying at my mom’s this week. She lives close by, but he is staying overnight for a week. We lived there for a few years when he was younger, and a lot of my stuff is still at her house. Apparently, when my brother was doing some work over there, he came across the boys “baby book” My sister in law told me that she had found it amongst some of his other baby things, and I guess they took it upstairs so that nothing would happen to it during the “construction” going on.

I called to talk to the boy today, and my mother was whispering some shit into the phone to me, I could barely understand her but then I heard her say “baby book”..so I said..
“He found his baby book?”
“Yes” she replied.

The first thing I thought of was that there were some things in there about his “sister”
And there was a picture of her in there. And they look alike. Very much alike. So I told her to put him on the phone.

When he asks questions at this age, they can not be blown off. Nor should they be. They should be answered completely and with honesty. Even if I feel the issue is his fathers responsibility, I will take that on. I will tell him what he wants to know. Of course, I will keep it on his level. He doesn’t need to know EVERYTHING, right now. He is not ready for all of that nonsense.

“Hey Ty” I said. “What’s up?”

“Nothin’ mom”…

“So….you found your baby book, huh?”

“Yeah..” he said slowly.

“and..you saw a picture of your sister?” I asked.

“Yeah. And..where is she?” he wanted to know.
“What did you do with her?”

“She is in Florida, with her grandmother..” I told him.
(Atleast that’s what baby daddy told me a few years ago..not with her mother..but with her grandmother)

The boy didn’t understand.

He thought I was her mother. And that I had given her away and left her somewhere.

This is not my shit.

This is not my shit.

This is baby daddy’s shit.
And as always, I am the one searching for the right words for the boy.

Can you stand the rain?

2006-07-12T09:36:00.000-04:00

There is one thing that will make me go from zero to 100 in 1.5 seconds.
Just say something ignorant. or unnecessary. And let it be about 'the boy'.
To me, that's like mixing fire and gasoline.

This applies to anyone and everyone. Including Sexy Man.

I understand that people have bad days. I understand that people don't always like
dealing with kids, but don't step to me ignorant about it, I don't care who the fuck you are, and
think you will get a civil response.
'Cuz ya won't.

The boy and 2 of his friends were on the softball field last night, before the game.
Sexy Man was hitting balls, and they were chasing after them. I heard the umpire tell
sexy man "don't hit the kids!"

"Them ain't my kids!" I heard him mumble back. And he continued to hit the balls.
Oh really.
Well, were they your kids the other 150 million times that you have told them
to do something?
Ignorant and unnecessary.

So, he walks over to me and says.."GET them kids OFF the field!"
"OK.." I say.."but why didn't you just tell me to tell them earlier?"

"Because..they ain't my kids!"
Again with that.

Okay.
So you couldn't tell me earlier because they ain't your kids..
but you can tell me 5 minutes later..because..?
They still ain't your kids, right?

I think the biggest problem that I have with this is that we just didn't meet yesterday.
We been kickin it for 2 years. He sees my son in the morning, while he walks around in
his boxer briefs. He tells the boy about himself whenever necessary, and
it's usually things that stop him from getting hurt and I have no problem
with that.
The boy has respect for sexy man, and knows that he tells him these things because he
wants to protect him from harm's way. We have that understanding.

I am pissed at this point. So I think about it for a second and then say:
"Well, what is the difference between you telling me NOW or telling me FIVE MINUTES AGO?"

He walked away without saying another word to me.
Good idea.

Yeah, I could have went the other route. But let's just stick to the logical aspect.
He is right, they "ain't his kids" so, I would be a fool to argue that point.
Besides, it's not even about that.

Can anyone tell me WHY--not 20 minutes later..he was telling the same kids--the ones that
are not his -- that they needed to move over to the light if they were gonna play catch because
it was dark where they were and it was hard to see the ball..and that he didn't want them to get
hit in the head! And 30 minutes later..the boy fell, and didn't get up right away, and he said to me..
"man down! man down!"--he walked over in that direction to make sure everything was ok with the boy--
that ain't his kid!

The rest of the night, I didn't say anything to him. I looked his way a few times..but quickly looked away.
No winking..no smiling..no touching.
Just softball.
And my attitude.

He had planned to come over after softball..to go to the gym and hang out.
When we were done, we both
walked to our cars, and it looked like he was waiting for me..I usually go over to his car and we talk about the
games and make our after hours plans--you know--what are you doing..where are you going..when are you coming type shit.

Well, not tonight.

I got in my car and rolled out. We drove next to each other the whole way home..
I never looked in his direction, and never called him. I got home, took a shower, called my girlfriend, and
then went to bed.

I have not spoken to him yet today, and I don't really know how I feel about him after yesterday.

My girlfriend says, that maybe he just forgot, that I don't play that shit, and he needed a little
reminder. She said that maybe he is just trying to test the waters to see where we stand.
She also said, that he was probably just having a bad day, and needed someone to take it out on.
And the only person that he is comfortable enough with, is me.
It just so happens, he picked the wrong place, time, and topic.
And she also said that he was trying to redeem himself later,
because he knows he was wrong, and he knows he fucked up...

I say that I am over it..and that I have embraced the fact that things need sun AND RAIN to grow.
If there was just sun..everything would be burnt the fuck up.
Rain is good.

On a perfect dayI know that I can count on you
When thats not possible
Tell me can you weather a storm
cause I need somebody who will stand by me
Through the good times and the bad times
She would always-always be right there

Sunny days everybody loves them-tell me baby
Can you stand the rain
Storms will come-this we know for sure
Can you stand the rain

Love unconditional
Im not asking just of you
Girl to make it last
Ill do whatever needs to be done
But I need somebody who will stand by me
When its tough she wont run
She would always be right there for me.

~New Edition

Giving out the digits..

2006-06-28T15:55:00.000-04:00

I did it.

I met a man, and I gave him my blog addy.
And he read.
and read.
and read.

I let him know, that he has learned more about me in 2 hours than most men EVER learn.
Not that I have secrets..I don't. I do cruddy shit here and there. We all do.

But this is not even about my cruddy-ness..this is about allowing someone that is a stranger, but not really a stranger-stranger be all up in your business.
It's about exposing a part of yourself that you might not be ready to put out in the street.

It's about trust. And why I have trusted this man with this, I have no idea.
So, it took me a minute to think of a name for him. Just a minute.
He will be known as Edgar Allen Poe. (You will find out why soon enough!)
We will call him Poe for short.

I met Poe yesterday. I am not even gonna get into how..it's really just kind of bizarre.
Let's just say..we work together..but he is in another state...Ohio, I believe.

Poe and I were chatting thru our work Instant Messenger, and I learned that he was a poet.
(See, I told you you'd find out soon enough) He apparently is venturing over this way and wants to pop in on an open mic poetry spot..which I sent him the link to..
He sent me some of his stuff..lemme just tell you..No wonder poetry dudes get so much ass..
that shit had me..like ready to strip nekked!

I told him that I have written some poetry, but I am really a WRITER! (damn--did I just say that? I never really considered myself a writer!) and I told him that I had a blog, and before I knew it, I was sending him the addy.

He started reading..and mentioned to me a few times how funny I was..and today, I guess he was reading some of my serious drama, and told me that I had a really rough time, for a minute there. I want him to enjoy reading what I have to say. I want him to read every word..and feel every pain, and every joy.

Him and I..well..we just clicked like that..and that NEVER happens for me. NEVER. It always takes time for me to feel comfortable around men.

Any man.

It takes time for me to let them into this muddled and sometimes evil mind. I don't want anyone too close. I don't want anyone to see that I have insecurities and fears. But I guess it's too late for that.

We'll just have to see how Poe handles all of this information.
I just hope he doesn't make any of my words haunt me.
Nah..he will love me just the way I am.
I believe that.

He doesn't exist to me

2006-06-08T21:39:00.000-04:00

I ain’t even mad at him. Naw. Not even mad.

I been walking around all day trying to talk myself out of calling Sexy Man just to see if I can do it. We have talked or seen each other damn near everyday for the past 5 months.
Now that I am at the new spot..which by the way..I love my new job..he is a little bitter.

We met for lunch yesterday..(my THIRD day of work) and I ended up taking a hour and a half..this is just not gonna work! My ass is going to get fired! ~LOL~

So, today..I wage this inner battle with my desires. I am not going to call him today.
Everytime I thought of calling him, I said..”He doesn’t exist to me!” Hilarious!
I was walking through the maze of cubicles at the J-O and I saw this HUGE magnet thingy that had his initials..and I thought to myself..I should take that and put it on my..I dunno…something metal that I must have somewhere..and then I thought..WHY? He doesn’t exist to me! And I busted out laughing.

The people where I work must think I need medical attention!! I was just cracking myself up all day.

So, it’s not that I’m mad at him..I’m not. I am just trying to make sure I got myself in check..because I need and love this job!

Schedule Change

2006-06-01T22:53:00.000-04:00

I got up at 8am this morning with the boy. He needed socks and I haven’t matched them.
They are in a laundry basket. About 101 of them. It took me a few minutes to find him a matching pair. I gave them to him and got back into bed.

He was in the living room playing with Cleopatra (the puppy that is a pain in my ass!) and he and his friend were cracking up at the T.V. I yelled for them to turn the T.V down, and he always thinks that shutting my door will suffice.
I guess in this case it did, because the next thing I knew, I heard the home phone ring.
It was sexy man.

“Hello?” I say, trying to hide the fact that I was asleep.

“Oh Hell Naw DAWG…HELL. NO!! Do you know ITS NOON?
Come’on baby girl..you got.ta do better.
Ya gotta do better than that..” he said with a laugh.

I knew just what he was talking about.
Me getting up for work next week.

“I’ll do better tomorrow..I promise..” I whined at him.
“I am tired! I promise..tomorrow…” I said.

We both laughed. But it’s really not funny.
I have been keeping crack head hours.
I go to bed around 4 am and sleep till noon.
Yeah. I need to seriously change that.

side note: I didn't even let on the reason that I was up so late last night.
I had a late night caller. I have been avoiding him for the last few
months, because sexy man and I been kicking it hard. But he has been
on my mind the last few days, and when he called, I just couldn't say no.
Yes.."the other one" made an appearence last night. He is so damn shady.
But...I guess I am too. That's just another story for another time. end side note

He got to the real reason that he was calling..
to make lunch plans. He said he had some reports to do,
but he would call me back.
I was supposed to figure out where we were going.
Sometimes we go shopping..sometimes we just go eat.
Sometimes we do both.
I like going anywhere with him, so it really doesn’t matter to me, but he as been letting me pick out his clothes lately, so I am all about going to the mall. I know that he has no patience for girlie shopping, nor would I even put him through all that.

We just understand each other like that.

We ended up walking around a sporting goods store, then Old Navy, then we went to eat.
I guess my staying up late..sleeping half the day, and then having a 3 hour lunch with sexy man days are coming to an end.
Man, am I gonna miss him.
I am sad about that.
But I guess he's right.
Ya got ta do better.

Mommy of the year? ~LOL~

2006-05-30T22:43:00.000-04:00

I was just reading this post and I just HAVE to tell this story. I think everyone has their "mommy of the year" story!

When the boy was about 3 years old, we were out in our courtyard. I was sitting on the picnic table talking to some neighbors, and he was playing with a ball. It was like one of those school kickballs. He and a few other kids his age were kicking the ball around and somehow it ended up in a bush.
A big bush.

He ran over to me and asked me if I could get the ball. It was stuck on some branches.
I walked over to the bush and realized that I couldn’t reach the ball, so I pulled on the branches to make the ball come loose. All of the sudden, I was looking straight into a pair of black beady eyes. Holy Shit! It was a bird. And I am afraid of birds. I hate them. And it started to come straight for me.

I turned around to get the hell outta there. The boy and 2 of his little friends were standing right behind me! I knocked them ALL over. But I kept on going. The boy had his hand reached out, yelling..”MOMMY!!!??!!” He was terrified.

“Get up!” I said, not wanting to go back near the bush.
“Come on..come over here!” I said, waving for him to come.

He just laid on the ground and cried. Finally, when I got my sense about me, I walked over and picked him up. I felt like a piece of shit.
Who the hell does that?
Who the hell leaves their child?
I guess me.

This was 7 years ago, and I still remember it to this day. I even remember what the boy was wearing. He, of course, has no recollection of this event. But still. I think if he did, he would have forgiven me. Although, he still brings up the time, the only time, that any form of me telling him to shut up has ever come out of my mouth.
He didn’t understand the context of it, and it really hurt his feelings.
I still apologize to him when he brings it up.
I was frustrated with something that had nothing to do with him,
and he wouldn't stop asking me questions. Afterward, I felt horrible.

Sometimes we make bad decisions. That’s all part of being a parent.
We live, we learn, and we'll never be perfect.
Never.

Summer is in the air?

2006-05-29T21:14:00.000-04:00

This is the first big Holiday of the summer..I mean, summer ain't even here and people are already acting a fool!

I had a cookout planned with the girls in my neighborhood. We are all single mothers and we cookout a lot in the summer. Sometimes they are planned and sometimes they are just thrown together.
This one was planned.
Because none of us are rich, everyone is asked to bring something.
We all struggle with money, but we always manage to bring it together.

We were supposed to meet outside at the pool at 2 pm.
I operate on my own schedule. Always.
I was not ready to go out on time, because I was cooking. And waiting on other people to bring me their stuff to cook. These females. I swear.
Everyone else just buys stuff from the store. I can’t do it. I like to cook and I can’t stand store bought anything.

So, I when I get to the pool, I was not really surprised that there were a lot of other residence there. I mean..hello?...I know this is a Holiday weekend. The pool rules are that unless you are 15 years or older, you must be at the pool with a parent. Of course, this was not enforced.
And almost every child there, was not with an adult. It pisses me off, because if I were ever to send the boy to the pool by himself, it would immediately be a problem. The boy..well, he just don’t blend well for some reason. His presence is always detected.

Anyway...I walk down to the pool because I had so much stuff I had to make several trips, and the scene there was crazy! EVERY DAMN KID at the pool was at our food table just grubbin on chips, sodas, fruit, just grabbing whatever their grubby little hands could grab, just as fast as they could. There was maybe 1 parent in the pool area. I had no idea who she was.
She was talking to a resident that I know for sure does not have children.

I was like..What the hell?
“Ummm..excuse me honey” I said to this little girl, (I later found out that she was 8 years old..) she had just picked up a plate, and I had never seen her before in my life.
“This is not a community cookout, sweetheart, I’m sorry.”
She looked at me like she wanted to stab me!

She rolled her little eyes and was about to grab a slice of watermelon off the table.

“I’m serious..this is not a community cookout.” Two more kids that I had never seen walked up to get a plate off the table. “You guys! This is not a COMMUNITY PICNIC!
We are not feeding the entire neighborhood…I’m sorry..”

Next thing I know..this lady starts yelling from the other side of the pool.
“WHICH ONE OF YA’ALL SAID SOMETHING TO MY DAUGHTER???”

Ummm. That would be me.
But before I could answer, she yelled even louder.
“WHICH ONE OF YA’ALL SAID SOMETHING TO MY DAUGHTER???”

“I did.” I said.

“WELL..WHAT DID YOU SAY TO HER??” she demanded.

“The same thing that I told all the other kids..that this is not a community party.”

She was sitting on one of the pool chairs. She never got up and came over to where we were all standing, she just started wagging her finger at me while she yelled.

“Let me tell you something, right now. Don’t you speak to my daughter. You made her cry. If you have an issue with my child, then you need to speak to me. Don’t you EVER talk to my daughter. Are we clear?”

I was immediately heated. AND..of all the other mothers there, she was talking shit to the wrong one.

“NO, we are NOT CLEAR.” I said. “Why would YOU allow your DAUGHTER to even come over here?"
We were in the cut. Out of everyone’s way. In our own little area.

She said “If you EVER talk to my daughter again, then we are going to have a problem!”

“Looks like we already have a problem!?” I said.
“I told your daughter that this is not a community party, which is something that YOU should have told her, instead of allowing her to come over here and grub on a strangers food.”

She had nothing else to say, and really, neither did I.
I was done with it. I just don't understand why she got so pissed off. I was not yelling at her child. I was not mean. I did not tell her a million times. I spoke to her with respect, as I would expect someone to speak to the boy. Except the boy would never do some shit like that. She and her momma were busted. ~LOL~

None of us have ever seen this child before. None of our kids play with her. I have never seen her mother, and I have no idea where they live. How as a parent, do you allow your child to just bust all in the middle of someone’s cookout, to which, clearly, you were not a part of? And then how do you justify it by acting like a fucking ass?

The fact that I can not afford to feed the entire neighborhood is beside the point.
The point being, that if you want something..ask. Don't assume that you can just do what you want and then justify it with smoke and mirrors. It's not that damn serious.

My girlfriends all joked that "you can't take her nowhere!!"
Well, if standing up for yourself means that you can't take me nowhere..then fuck it..I guess they're right.
Next time I will stay the hell home, and ya'all can eat McDonalds at your damn cookout.
Since none of ya'all know how to work the grill ...~LOL~

Man, it’s gonna be a long summer.

Prison Life?

2006-05-26T22:28:00.000-04:00

I had the craziest job interview yesterday. A few days ago, I received a call from a company that provides medical services to inmates at the state prison. These facilities are pretty close to my house, and from what the chick told me, there are 12 different inmate units, of all different levels on one campus. This is where my interview would be.

We discussed the hours, pay, and my potential fear of inmates (which I have none!) and she decided I would be a good candidate for this job. We decided on a date and time, and she advised me that I would need to bring my drivers license to gain access to the prison grounds.

Some of my girlfriends had jokes. They figured that if I got the job, I could find a husband with the quickness, or at the very least, get some sex! ~Rolls eyes~
Sexy man…well, he seemed indifferent to the idea of me working at a prison.
He’s just like that. As always, he wished me the best of luck on my interview.

My first thought was that I had no idea where my license was. I had not seen it in a minute so I did a quick search and determined that my license was in fact, lost.
No problem, I will just go get a new one, which I did the next morning. I swear, I don’t even think I had the damn license for 2 hours before I couldn’t find it.

Marvin came by and helped me search the car..in all the nooks and crannys, but neither one of us could find it. “It’s a sign, Marv” I told him.
“I shouldn’t go! Maybe something bad is going to happen and this is someone’s way of telling me.... DON’T GO TO THE PRISON!”

We both laughed. But I was serious. I believe in all that shit…karma, energy’s, and of course, love spells and rituals. I felt like this was just an energy force sending me a message telling me that this won’t end well. Just stay the hell home. Which I didn’t.

I get to the prison, and get checked in. I ended up taking my passport, which was acceptable to the guard that let me in. I went to the contractor’s facility and was greeted by a girl that had just started working there. She gave me some papers and directed me to fill them out. After I was done with this, the waiting game began.

I read a magazine from cover to cover. I read all about the show “Prison Break” and wished I had put that in my line-up of the few shows that I watch faithfully. I periodically checked the clock on the wall, and was getting more and more frustrated and irritated. It was already 11:45. My appointment was at 11.

About 15 minutes later, I was expecting to see a camera crew pop out of somewhere and congratulate me on being patient, and give me some money, and tell me this was all a joke. I know MTV used to have a show called Boiling Point where they tried to piss off other people and then paid them when they didn’t blow a fucking gasket!

When the man finally got to the facility for the interview, I was done. I was irritated. He immediately came off to me as an arrogant dirty old white man. I probably said some things that were interview inappropriate. I didn’t even care. For real.

He proceeded to tell me that I was over qualified, and that the pay was not in my range, despite what I was told over the phone when I spoke with the recruiter.

One of the questions that he asked me was “How would you feel about inmates hooting and hollering at you?”
Excuse Me? Is that a trick question? What do you say to that? I just looked at him, and then looked at my watch that I wasn’t wearing.
“Ok, then” I said as I started to get up. As far as I was concerned, this interview was over, and I was not getting this job. Nor was I going to continue with this grueling interview.

He sort of called after me, but I opened the door and walked out. I am no longer settling for some piece of shit job, working for a bunch of assholes. I have options.

I met my sexy man for lunch after the interview. We cracked up about how it went.
I don't think he is looking forward for me to find a job anytime soon.
He suggested that I shoot for September 1.
I have become his personal secretary, and we jokingly call it “freelancing”
..we meet for lunch almost every day, and we both enjoy it.

But all good things must come to an end. I got a job offer when I got home after lunch.
I will not be living prison life, ~LOL~ but will be working for a worldwide corporation.
This is actually a great place to work, with a good reputation and the perks are off the hook.
I think this one will be it. It’s a corporate environment, which I crave. It seems like all the things that I want in a job, and the pay is good. As with everything, only time will tell. I don’t really feel bad that I have had 2 very short jobs in the last 3 months. One lasted 1 day ~LOL~ and the other exactly one week. Jobs are like men. Sometimes they just aren’t what you are looking for, and I refuse to be stuck in a situation. I want to do what I am good at. I want to be happy. I sent sexy man an email after I accepted the job.
It said: “I don't wanna work! I wanna stay in bed late, and cook and iron clothes! And do what I want!”

But we all know this is not feasible. I am a single mother, and I need to work. I need to not be a statistic. I need the structure of a job. I am ready to get back into the swing of things. I hope this works out, but if it doesn’t. that’s okay too.

Forced to take Responsibility

2006-05-18T20:27:00.000-04:00

I was sitting in the court room waiting for him.
~Damn~
His ass is always late. For everything. If he even shows up.
It's disrespectful and annoying.

Court started at 1:00. It was already 1:45.

When baby daddy walked in the door, I was shocked. He looked like a
fucking bum. This man, who normally looks like Morris Chestnut stepping
off the pages GQ looked like he was a homeless crack whore.
He's a trip. His normally pressed pants were replaced with navy blue sweatpants,
with bleach stains all over the front of them.
His Hilfiger, or Ralph Lauren..well, that was a dirty white T-shirt
and Old Navy hood zip sweat jacket.
He did not shave. He looked..nasty.
I was embarrassed to have to admit to the court that I had, in fact, made a baby
with this dirty man. ~LOL~

I scooted over so that he could sit next to me. There were probably 4 other people
in the court room. "What the fuck is wrong with you?" I asked louder than I
expected. I knew I was loud because the people in front of me turned around
And looked. He just laughed. "I ain't got no money!" he said with a smirk.

I just shook my head at him. That brutha is ALWAYS tryna get over.
ALWAYS. I told him.."Ya know..KARMA is a bitch!"
"What is THAT?" he questioned
"Don't worry..you'll find out.." was all I said.
I scooted over, because I did not want to be next to him
Anymore. I have nothing to say to him right now. He scooted closer to me.

"Let's make an agreement for support..just me and you..fuck this court shit!"
he said. I gave him the look as if to say "unbelievable!"
He was acting like we were Bonnie and Clyde again, and it was US against THEM.
But it wasn't.
It was ME against HIM and he was about to get screwed.
And we both knew it.

When all was said and done..baby daddy has to come out the pocket..BIG!
But the amount of money don't mean SHIT to me. I would have been satisfied
With $50.00 per month. I am not looking to get rich.
I am only looking for consistancy.

I am not that baby mama and I never will be.
But the boy is now 10 years old. And it's time for his father to
take responsibility.
Even if he had to be forced.

Drinking on my Birthday...

2006-05-02T17:11:00.000-04:00

I remember Marvin bringing me another shot.
He handed it to me and smiled.

"Gotta do it RIGHT!" he said. We both laughed. It was my birthday, and I was all about
getting drunk. We had about a 3 hour time span in which to drink. I wanted to get home to
meet my sexy man, and the boy needed to be put to bed.

I drank my shot, and decided to see where sexy man was.
He answered the phone.
"HIIIIIIII" I yelled..trying to hear myself over the blaring music.
"Where are you?..."
I must have been drunk. Because before he answered me, he asked me how
I was getting home.
My girlfriend had driven, so I was straight, and I told him that.
He relaxed a bit. He hates drunks...~LOL~

"I'm about an hour out.." he said.
"Yeah, I am leaving soon.." I told him.

About a half-hour later, I was walking in my door.
I was laughing. The boy was asleep. I tried to be quiet.
I paid the sitter, and she left.
"Damn, it's hot in here.." I said to myself.

I walked over to turn the air on, and the next thing I knew, I was on my back.
My hair was caught up in the fan that was on the floor.
The boy woke up and asked me to PLEASE BE QUIET!!! ~LOL~
Thank god that it wasn't on! I got up and laid across my bed.
And drunk dialed my mother.

She wanted to know if I was going to be sick.
"Nope" I told her.."I don't think so.."
We talked for all of 3 minutes when I told her that I had to go.
I felt like I was going to be sick. I went into the bathroom and stripped nekked.
The bar was giving out glow necklaces and bracelets, and I made some charms out
of the bracelets and attached them to the necklace. I was a glow mess.
I couldn't quite figure out how to get the necklace off..so I got down on my knees
and hung over the toilet. I felt horrible and just wanted to get this over with.

I heard my cell phone ringing, and it was sexy man. I went to get the phone, and
by the time I got there, he had hung up. I brought the phone back into the bathroom
and set it on the floor.

And started yakking.

About 2 minutes later, I heard him come in the door..

All the lights were out in the house. He walked into my room, and came to the bathroom door.
He laughed. There I was, hanging over the toilet, wearing only glow necklaces.
I was done being sick, so I crawled to my bed. I told him to call my mom, to let her know
that I was still alive, and he did.
He told her that I was on my hands and knees, and that I would be okay, that he was
staying the night and would make sure that I didn't choke on my puke. (which apparently is
something that she was concerned with?!? ~LOL~)

The next morning, sexy man asked me where the headache medicine was.
I was shocked that he had a headache..

He advised me that he didn't have a headache at all..but was certain that I did.
And damn, he was right.

I just love him. And no more drinking until the Holidays!

Lacking Motivation

2006-04-15T14:22:00.000-04:00

I just can't blog. I can't do it.
I have lots of news.
I just don't feel like talking about it.

I start a new job on Tuesday. I think this one will be okay for a while. I hope.
The pay is what I need..the benefits are good..the location is close.
Sexy man will be right down the street..LOL..(that's always important!)

The guys start softball next Tuesday. It is definitely an all sexy roster!
Sexy man, Marvin, The Beautiful One (remember him?? that should prove to be interesting!)
I will have to post some pics!!

Ok. done for now..as you were.

When the Right thing, ends up being the right thing

2006-03-22T00:50:00.000-05:00

Ok. It's time to breathe a sigh of relief. I finally got everything worked out for the eviction thing. And finally got to sleep. I was working (again) on coffee and Newports.
I felt like a damn crack head! (speaking of which..I have a story to tell!~later)

It was CRAZY! I was trying to find a lawyer to help me out, and the sad thing is, no one wanted to help! So, I turned to one of my fellow bloggers..the one..the only..*SHOUT OUT*
CLOSET OWNER! to enlist some help, just for the purpose of calming myself down and maintaining what little sanity I had left at that point. (I say this because he lives in a different state, and he is not exactly educated in the laws of my state.) And although I don't really feel like talking about it, my eviction was because of the (loaded) gun in my residence with my son living there.

And he came thru for ya girl! It just made me feel better, knowing that I have some sort of resource. AND..

I holla'd at my girl in *SHOUT OUT*MIAMI!! Yep, I was ready to sell my shit and grab the boy and head to Miami! While this is not totally out of the equation, atleast I know I am not being FORCED to move..right! Tee..thanks so much for your insight..and offering up a place to crash for a minute!

So, now that I (partially) got my head together..I still have a lot of mess to deal with based on the theft of my gun..I am not back focused on becoming gainfully employed.

Then, I can continue on with my happy life as it once was.

So, maybe doing the right thing was the right thing. Right?

When the right thing..is really the wrong thing

2006-03-13T23:31:00.000-05:00

I got an eviction notice today. Yep..being kicked out of the crib for illegal activity.
Not sure how this works out, but it looks like I got a fight on my hands.

I am tired of doing the right thing and then being screwed.
All the years that I did the wrong thing, and shit went smooth.
I start trying to be a good person and I get shit on.

I have a lot of research to do..so, I'm out.
I'll keep everyone posted.

Wish me luck.

Lotsa love!
~Bren

The rest of the DRAMA!

2006-03-11T01:19:00.000-05:00

The first thing out of her mouth was that he had nothing to do with it.

I understand how easy (and sometimes necessary) it is to go in to momma bear mode.
I do it all the time. What I had to ask myself over and over again was what would I do,
If this was the boy? What if this was his shit? What lengths would I go to, to protect him?

I answered my own question. His fucking little ass would not be in bed..he would be out there pointing SOMEONE in the direction of that gun..he would be getting the ass whoopin of his life. I would have figured out from jump that he was involved. I would know this because I am an involved parent. The clues were so obvious. I was shocked that she proclaimed his innocence. And I was pissed.
He would be telling me the goddamn truth.
I also heard that her son was trying to sell the bullets to my neighbor!
WTF??

She became frustrated with me quickly. How DARE I accuse her son of this.
She told me that she would call me back later, (read: I don't want to fucking talk to you, bitch)
I figured that I would not ever hear from her again.

I put on my burglar clothes (dark pants, long sleeves, sweatshirt, and Tims) and a black skully.
I grabbed my cell phone, and Newports.
It was gonna be a hell of a morning, because I was going out into the haunted woods to look for my own shit. (LOL @ baby daddy, always joking back in the day "The FBI called here for you today..they want to HIRE YOU!!" and I know that's right..I have no problem solving a mystery!!)

The gun, as I suspected was nowhere to be found. I knew exactly what the fuck was going on.
It was not out there, and I knew this. But was I the only one? Apparently, because when I got back into the house, my girlfriend called me back.
She told me that the police had been at her house this morning @6am searching her sons room. They also told her that they were coming back this evening to search his room again with the gun dog, and to also search the woods again.

I was furious. Why would they tell her that? Why would they give her the heads up what kind of moves they had planned? What if her son had taken the gun to school and fucking shot someone? I would be all over the goddamn news. Hell no. I was not about to wait for that. I was gonna get this shit solved.

I called the police. I told them that I felt like I was living in goddamn Maybury. And that Barney Fife was leading the investigation.
They were not at all happy with my sarcasm.
I also asked them if they warn everyone that they are about to raid.
I told them that's just like calling a drug house and telling them that they will be there at 6pm to raid their house.
"Does that make any sense?" I asked.
The girl that I was talking to took just a little too long to respond to my question.
I answered my own question for her...."the answer is NO. It doesn't."

And then, I did what any other frustrated citizen would do when the police aren't doing their jobs.

I called the fucking MEDIA. And I told them what was up. And they were quite interested. And I sang like a fucking bird. I told them everything that they wanted to know. They called me back and told me that they were sending the gun dog to the school to do a locker search, and that he would call me back.

Not 20 minutes later, fucking RAMBO was knocking, NO, POUNDING on my door.
I knew from his anger that he knew that the media was involved.
And he did something that almost got his fucking ass beat.
(I will fight a cop!)
He accused the boy. MY BOY.
HE gave me this scenario:
"YOUR SON is responsible for this."
"YOUR SON was outside bragging, "My mamma got a gun! My mamma got a gun!"
"YOUR SON took the gun outside and was waving it around, showing everyone."
"YOUR SON told the boys where to find the gun."
"YOUR SON gave them the key."
He wanted to know.."Where is YOUR SON??"

If looks could kill.. ol'boy would be six feet under. I said
"MY SON is AT SCHOOL..and SAY "YOUR SON" to me one more time motherfucker!
..you don't know what the fuck you're talking about"
I was shocked, but not surprised that came out of my mouth.
(I keep tellin ya'all ya girl is undercover thug)

I was about to step in his face, and my girlfriend got in the middle of us.
She was like..just wait a minute..I think there has been a misunderstanding...

After she explained the dynamics of me, the boy, my girlfriend and her son,
(my son and her son are NOT friends.) He understood.
And he left.

I received a call from the local NEWS. It was a reporter and he wanted to interview me.
I gave him all the latest information, and he assured me that the Police Department was no longer sleeping on this.

About 2 hours later, my girlfriend and her son were knocking on my door.
He was crying. She..well..I don't know what she was. Mad?...maybe.
It seemed very difficult for her to accept her sons responsibility in all this.
She made excuses for him every opportunity that she got. She blamed it on his friends.
She said that even though he let them in my apartment, and he was aware that I was not home, and he participated in going thru my drawers, he was not to blame.
He took nothing.

The police..well..they see a different story. They charged him, and 2 of his friends with
Breaking and Entering, burglary, and Theft of a firearm.
They recovered the gun, and arrested the boys.

The funniest thing of this whole thing, was when the officer came back to my apartment to explain who was charged, and how and when I could get my gun back.
We were standing outside my door, and the boy comes running up.
When he saw us there, he stopped short, and I waved for him to come on..
"Hi Mom" he said very uneasy. "I just came to get my karaoke machine.."
he went inside, and appeared a minute later with it.
"Bye Mom..I'm going back over my friends house to play.."

I looked at the police officer, that just a few hours earlier,
was accusing this same boy of being the mastermind of all this..
I could not resist. I just couldn't.
"There goes the mastermind of this whole thing.." I said sarcastically.
"My gun wielding child..you know..the one that is responsible for all of this?..
Well..he is going to sing karaoke."

The officer looked like he wanted to slap the shit out of me. Or atleast choke me.
~LOL~

I have not talked to my girlfriend since then. She, apparently did not like my attitude towards her and her son..I mean..according to her..they were here to apologize..and I should be more understanding.

She also told a mutual friend, that she wants me to work with her and her attorney, and possibly the States Attorney, to get her son community service, and not have this convicted as a felony. She thinks that it is unreasonable to have this affect him for the rest of his life.

I still believe that neither one of them understand the magnitude of this crime.
But not to worry....they will. And trust me...if I have any say, he will pay for this to the greatest extent of the law. He will be punished.

I believe our friendship is officially over.
And her son?
Well, I saw him outside playing basketball with his friends today,
and his big birthday bash is this weekend.
My girlfriend rented a hall, is having the affair catered, and got a DJ.

I know..let's reward bad behavior with a fucking birthday party.

And we wonder why there are so many criminals in the world.

More of the DRAMA!

2006-03-09T23:10:00.000-05:00

I called Marvin in the morning, and had him come change my locks. I told him everything that was going on..he couldn't believe all this mess.

Neither could I.

So while talking to baby daddy, he decided that this was not an adult.
And here's why:

The person that took the boys key had to be someone that has been invited into my apartment.
I don't associate with criminals. Drama people, yes. Criminals, no.
The more I thought of who has been in my apartment, the more I had a suspect.
Or should I say suspects.

I called my girlfriend. We have been friends for about 4 years. I met her when I moved to this neighborhood. The only problems that we have ever had are concerning her kids.
They are bad as shit, and bully all the other kids in the neighborhood.
Of course, she is oblivious to all of this..

One of them just turned 13 and the other one will soon be 12. Most of the problems always revolved around the 12 year old. But the both have a mouth on them like nobody's business.
They will curse an adult in a second. And she will always justify their behavior.
Always.

Well, the 13 year old came by to see the puppy the prior week.
He had 2 of his friends with him.
They stayed for maybe 5 minutes, and let themselves out. Her son is always poppin in to say hello. I guess I am the cool mom, by their standards, and he likes to show off how comfortable he is at my house. Well, the more I thought about it, the more my suspicions grew.

I figured I would go into crime solvers mode, and call my girlfriend and run all this past her, just to see what she had to say about it.

Well, would you be shocked if I said that her son told her that he "found" a key on Thursday or Friday? And it just so happened, that he had the key? She had him bring the key to my house.
Marvin still had not collected the old locks, but this just wasn't any key...it was a vanity key.
It had the logo of the Washington Redskins on it. And the boy wears it around his neck. Anyone that found that key, knows just what apartment door it fits...mine.

He brought the key, and started asking questions about the incident. I told him that they took fingerprints (not true..but I wanted to scare the shit of this little felon) and that they would know in a few days who took the gun. Then he said something that made my blood run cold.

He told me that on Friday, he FOUND A GUN...out in the field. And that he was pretty sure that it was mine. And the there were no bullets in the gun, and that he picked it up, and got scared and threw it in the woods. But not to worry..he would bring me the gun as soon as he got home from school. He knew just where he threw it.

His mother suggested that we go outside (in the dark..with flashlights) to look for the gun.
We walked back to the woods where he claimed he threw it. I searched for about an hour in the dark. There were sticker bushes and thick brush. I was afraid..it was like a damn haunted house back there, only no house. Just the haunted part.

After we looked for a few minutes, I realized that he was lying about the whereabouts of the gun. That little fucker knew exactly where it was..and I was about to put a full court press on his little felon ass.

He had many questions, all of them asked with fear. I matter of factly answered them with the worst possible scenario. He was afraid, and I could smell his fear. Yep. This child will crack by the morning, I thought to myself. And his mother..completely oblivious.

Once I got back in the house, I called the police. They stated that they were sending a gun dog to search the woods. They wanted my friends son to come point out to them where the gun was thrown. I called my girlfriend and told her. It was 10pm, and she refused to send him outside. She said that she was not sending him out because he had school.
She fucking flat out refused! I pointed them in the right direction, but I explained to them that the gun more than likely was not there...but I believed that her son new exactly where the gun was. They were treating this like it was no big deal. They said that they would not question him tonight, and that they would look for the gun without his help.

Once they decided that the gun was not there, they left.
I felt like they had no sense of urgency in finding this weapon.
I felt like they weren't doing their job.
I was tired, and frustrated. I came back in the house.
There was nothing else that I could do.

I was up all night. Fueled by Nicotine and coffee, I was on sleepless night number 2.

Bright and early Monday morning, I called my girlfriend.
I told her that I was up all night and was trying to figure out how to tell her that her son and his friends was responsible for all of this.

**Stay tuned for the conclusion**

Drama, Drama, DRAMA!!

2006-03-05T00:20:00.000-05:00

**I started this post on Saturday..I was not able to finish it because of all the drama**

The Howard County Po-Po just left my house.

This all started because the boy noticed something very disturbing today.
His house key was missing. It was the only key that he had in his key chain.
The kind that you hang around your neck.

We were getting ready to leave home, to go to my mother's.
He was spending the night tonight.

He thinks, or to hear him tell it, he knows that his father took the key.
He used his 10 year old logic to figure this out.
Who else would take a key to our house? he wondered.
Good question.

Last February, my ski jacket came up missing. Not just any ski jacket, but a brand new
Columbia 3 in 1 that cost me over $200.00. I accused baby daddy of taking it, and he made me feel foolish about it. He was like..who the fuck would steal a damn coat?

YOU WOULD MOTHERFUCKER!!

So, when I get home tonight, I looked to see if my money was still on my bar where I left it.
My girlfriend ran out of checks, and wanted to know if I could write 2 checks for her.
Both for $100.00. Sure, I said. No problem.
This was Thursday night. I told her that I would have to put the money in the bank
to cover the checks seeing that I have not worked in 2 months..and I have NO MONEY!
So, she gave me the cash, and I put it in a cup on the bar.

When I walk in the door, I go straight for the bar..sure'nuf cash GONE.
GONE do you hear me! Fucking Gone.

I sat down on the couch to think. I just took $40.00 of that money last night because
the boy's school sponsored a Bingo, and we signed up to go. I figured they would have snacks
and stuff..I wanted him to have a good time, since we haven't really been doing fun stuff since I haven't been working.

I start to look in all my hiding spots. Maybe I put it somewhere else, right?
So, I go to my top drawer. Holy SHIT. My gun is gone.
Yes, MY FUCKING GUN. GONE.
How fucking scary is that.

So, I call the police. And they come take a report. The officer advises me that kids in my neighborhood may be responsible for another break in. But she feels like baby daddy is responsible for this. I, however, am not so sure. I know that he does shit to get under my skin.
But this...well, this is too much for even him. He is not that damn bold. Well, he is, but I don't think this has his name on it...I just have that feeling.

Of course, I get the lecture about having a loaded gun in my residence with a child here.
Okay, I will listen to that..but I will not explain myself. Yeah, I know it's a crime.
And I guess I am guilty of that. But I will say again just like I told the officer:

"I am a single parent. I have a child to protect. There is crime. I am afraid. Period.
If there is something that you need to do because of this..then let's do the damn thing."

I KNOW HIM. He is well aware that I keep a loaded gun in the house. He doesn't trip off of it. It's just a 'thing' to him. He is not allowed to touch it, and he knows that. He is not aware of where I keep it, but was told that if he ever sees it to LEAVE IT ALONE.
It could KILL him. He understands.
CLEARLY.

I put a chair under my damn door knob so that I could stay awake all night and stare at the ceiling. I could not close my eyes if I wanted to.

The next morning I called baby daddy. As I figured, I did not get the feeling from him that he had anything to do with this mess. But we came up with some theory's and they were quite interesting...

Kid Drama at the door

2006-03-02T02:19:00.000-05:00

The boy came inside right after school today. He wanted to take Cleopatra
(the new puppy, don't ask!) for a walk. I was on the couch watching Judge Judy.

I hear some commotion at the door as the boy is going outside.
I heard a man's voice talking to the boy.
No, more like yelling at the boy.

I yelled to the boy.."Who is that?"
"It's Berhan..and his father" he says calmly.

Oh. really.
I get off the couch and go to the door. There is this Indian man with his
bad ass son standing at my door.
Yes, I said BAD ASS son.
I have heard this boy's name around the neighborhood.
He has never messed with the boy, but with other kids.

Lately, the boy has been taking the law into his own hands.
I am kinda on the fence about that, but I think he's at the age
where he don't want his mamma commin outside to kick every
kids ass in the neighborhood that messes with him. ~LOL~
(ya'all know, I will fight a child!)

I am not a hypocrite. I tell kids all the time about themselves.
It's always brief. I put the fear of God in them and go back inside.
I feel like this: If you see my child in the neighborhood and you want to
say something to him (simple, like.."Don't do that"..or "Leave him alone"
..not no hour long lecture about right vs. wrong or boys vs. girls..cuz that's my job)
because he is doing something he shouldn't be
or he has done something wrong to your child..okay, I feel ya on that.
If he comes home and tells me, and I have a problem with it, we will deal with that.
But DON'T come to my damn door and carry on with THE BOY.
Ask for me, and I will come straighten it out.
Like an adult.

When I get to the door, the boy is talking. He is in 'explain mode'
He says "I didn't punch him. I turned around and hit him with my elbow.
It was an accident, he was all up on me and I didn't know he was standing there.."

He looks at Berhan and says:
"But I shudda punched you because you pushed me!"

Berhan's father:
"Wellllll. My son sed dat you het him with punch. Now dat not accident.."
"My son sed dat he pushed you being sar kass tek. You take dat all wrong."
"I know dat he pushed you first. But you dunt know how to take it from him."

HUH???
Don't play.

The boy looked at me. And I gave him the *WELL??* look.
And he gave me the *say something* look.

So I say.."Well, it looks like there are many kids in this neighborhood that don't know how to keep their hands to themselves. Do they??
(I specifically looked at the boy)
(I looked at Berhan's father) "How do you push someone being sarcastic? I don't think I understand that..."

And this man took his child and walked away. Okay. I guess you don't want to hear the rest, then, right? So I say as he is walking away.."Well, don't come to my house to confront the boy and then run like a bitch when I come to the door!!..keep your bad ass kid in the house then."
~LOL~ at myself.

Did I just say that?
Yeah. I did.
I mean damn! I know the boy gets himself into some shit.
I'm not oblivious to that. I know he has his moments.
And I let him know about himself.
Just because I don't loud him out and embarrass him in front of the whole
damn neighborhood, don't mean that he just runs around doing
whatever the hell he wants to do. It's just not like that.
No matter what anyone wants to believe.

I got the boy in check. Don't worry about that.
Worry about you and yours. And I won't have to
come out my door and make you look like a fool.
Or fight your child.

I promise I won't.

Baby Daddy done lost his effing mind

2006-03-01T00:28:00.000-05:00

Baby daddy called today. He wanted to come see the boy.
Of course, as always, I was hesitant.
As always, I am pissed at him.

Do you know that this muthafucker had the nerve to tell me that
I SHOULD NOT EXPECT HIM TO BE THE ONLY ONE TO HELP ME SUPPORT THE BOY???!!

Yes, he said that out his mouth. I swear, had he been in my zip code, I wudda spit on him.
~LOL @ Flava Flave and his girls..SMDH. I can't believe I watch that show!
Ok, maybe I wouldn't have spit on him. But something.

I mean, who the fuck is supposed to help me? The boys other father?
OR who? Baby daddy says, why don't you get money from your
BOY.FRIEND? ~LOL~ are you serious?

Anyway.
This ass comes to my.fucking.house. and walks the fuck in my door.
After he knocked like he was the damn po-po. I almost answered the door
with my burner. I wonder if I would really get any pleasure out of shooting him
(accidentally, of course) I always picture me like Julia Roberts in "Sleeping with the Enemy"
She called the police and told them that she shot an intruder. He was still alive.
After she hung up the phone, she shot him. Damn. My girl.
*picture me sitting in Central Booking*
"I swear officer, when I shot him, I thought he was a robber!"

**Shaking these thoughts out of my head, and back to the matter at hand**

So, one of my girls was at the crib tonight, we were discussing how we were gonna spend our
ME.GA.MIL.LIO.NS money. I told her that the next time that she saw me, I would be on TV collecting my check. I did win..2 damn dollars..

So, baby daddy comes busting in the crib. The boy is at his friends house, and my girl and I are talking. So, he just stands there. Like all in our conversation. And at that point, she was talking about her daughter. Personal shit. And this asshole is just standing there all up in our grills.
I'm like..damn...can I have my lips back? ~LOL at that term~

So I give him the mind your fucking business look. We all know that look, right?
Well, he got it times 10. So, he looks away. I am watching this shady motherfucker and he is looking down at the table, but facing me. And I see his eyes scanning back and forth.
Like he is reading something. I kinda sit up to see what he is looking at. My MOTHERFUCKING MAIL!
This fucking felon is reading my gahdamn mail.

So, I am trying not to call him out in front of my girl.
I am thinking, he will see me looking at him like WTF?
and go sit the fuck down some gahdamn where.
HELL NAW! He keeps reading.

This was my personal business mail, too. Not some junk shit.
So finally, I yell..Damn Motherfucker..can you stop reading my fucking mail????

He had the nerve to look embarrassed. Wwhut?
Now you wanna fake the funk like you weren't??
What the hell ever shady bitch.

"I AM NOT READING YOUR MAIL" he snarles at me.

"YES YOU ARE!! I'M WATCHING YOU" was my reply

"I wouldn't do that, Brenda. I wouldn't read your mail!" he says softly.
Game on, I think. He is trying to make me look like a psycho in front of my girl.
I know this game. Play the soft spoken wounded soldier.
Make me look like a fucking lunatic. Yeah, I know this game all too well.
I say nothing else. But if looks could KILL?
He'd be deader than if I shot him.
(deader?! LOL @ that word!)

"Can I talk to you in private?" he asks.
I shake my head in the negative.
Hell no, I think. HELL ASS NO.

Finally the boy came home and they went in his room.
I just don't get it. This asshole has not given me money in
a year of Sundays. (lol that's like 7 years!)

And tells the boy that he is gonna buy him a DIRT BIKE.
A fucking DIRT BIKE?? To ride where? To park where?
To have WHO take the boy to the hospital all broke the fuck up?
Exactly.

I wanted to beat the boy for even talking that shit. (not really)
I want to beat his father even more. (really)
Bastard.

**UPDATE**
Baby Daddy called me after he left the crib.
He starts discussing MY MAIL THAT HE WASN'T READING.
It was a response regarding Energy Assistance that I applied for.

"I didn't realize that things were that serious!" he said.
"Have you REALLY applied for Energy Assistance?" he questioned.

"Fuck you" and a click was my reply.
What other answer was there?

News on the J-O

2006-02-21T23:05:00.000-05:00

Okay, so last night I was unable to sleep. At all.

After this ass waking up at 6am yesterday, going thru all the new J-O drama,
and being unable to decide if I want to quit or not I was one tired chick!!

I laid in bed until after 2am tryin to decide what I was gonna do.
Was quitting this job something that I should have on my mind?
A sister needs to work! Tax refunds only carry you for so long, right?

I thought about how I missed Jamie Foxx reruns on Monday.
I love me some him. He reminds me of Sexy Man so much! Whew!
They have the same sarcastic humor, and sometimes when I am watching
the show, I catch myself just cheesin, thinking about him.
~LOL~

Anyway, so I get OUT OF BED at 2:30 something AM and send this chick an email.
I figured that it would be better to get this shit over with and not have to get up early in the morning to do it. I was really afraid that I would oversleep. Then they wouldn't get shit!
It was short, sweet and to the point.

I am sending you this email to let you know that I will not be returning to work.

While I appreciate the opportunity, I do not believe that this is the right job for me, for many reasons.

I apologize for any inconvenience.

Regards,

I sent this to the Human Resources department.
I purposely kept it brief.
It ain't like I been there 6 years. I worked there 1 gahdamn day.
Please. They are lucky they got that.
I know what the fuck I am doing.
Work hours are 8-5. Why at 8:30 do you think my phone started ringing with these psycho fuckers on the other end.

They wanted to "talk" to me.

And that's fine. If I were someone else.
But I don't play that game.
Did I say that I quit? Then that's what I did.
There is no need for discussion.
All decisions here are final.
Always.

I was on the phone with a chick that I used to work with while they were ringing my fucking phone off the hook..just when I thought they were calling for the 5th time in 5 minutes, I looked at the caller ID and it was my girlfriend Michelle.

There is never a reason for her to call me that early in the morning..something must be up.
I end my other call and switch over to talk to her.

"BRENDA..your job has been calling my cell phone..I thought you were sending them an email?" she was irritated.

"I did!...it said I QUIT!!"
I yelled the I QUIT part into the phone.

We both started cracking up.

"You're dumb!" she tells me.

"Well, they are calling me. I didn't know who it was but when I called the number back, I realized it was them. I hung up." she said.

"I can't believe they even called you, what the fuck did they expect you to tell them??
I guess they will be calling sexy man next..I put you two down as emergency contacts.
That's all I need..I wonder what he'll say?"

We both started cracking up again. Sexy man is a straight mess.
He is so funny, and sarcastic.
Neither one of us see that call going well.

"Fukkit" I told her. "He ain't gonna tell them shit..
he will say..ummmm? have you discussed this with HER???

"Ummm. She is bent over my desk right now, but when I'm done banging that ass I'll ask her why she didn't come to work today." she joked.

We laughed at all the things that we thought he might say.
And things that we wished he would say.
And all the things that he probably did say.
We are two funny chicks.

In the middle of our laughter, she says..
"That's them again!!"

"Answer it" I say.

"And tell them what?" she wanted to know.

"Tell them that I QUIT!!!" we both laughed.

She is gone for like 3 or 4 minutes. She finally comes back and
breathes irritation in the phone.

"Brenda" she says. "I have done a lot of things, for a lot of people..
but I ain't NEVER quit a job for someone. Now, that's love"

Yes it is.

I QUIT this bitch!!

2006-02-20T23:45:00.000-05:00

I woke up this morning at 6am to start a new job.
This ass ain't seen 6am in a minute!!

So, I started the job.
Sort of.

Well, not really sort of, I really did start a new job.

And I quit.

I think.

Yeah, I am pretty sure I quit.

I think.

So, I get at the new job, and they have me fill out some tax forms, and some other stuff.

They give me this big long ass contract to sign, which basically is a non-compete agreement.
It states that I will not share any company business with any person that works for their competitor. If I violate that agreement, they will issue an injunction and gag order against me.

My sexy man works for their competitor, so when I talked to him at lunch time today, I informed him that he is not allowed to ask me any questions about my job. I told him that if they issue a gag order, I would not be able to open my mouth in his presence and that would probably make him unhappy. ~wink~

They proceed to tell me that I will be training with this girl for the next 2 weeks.
She starts showing me all this stuff, everything that she does. It looks nothing like the position I was hired to do. After about 3 hours of paying close attention, and taking vigorous notes, I ask her if this is the job that I will be doing.
She tells me "no" that she was just showing me so that I would have an idea what she does there, and that since this is a new position that they created for me and my skills there is really no one to train me on my job just yet.

They tell me that they have no desk for me to put my belongings.
"There are no open cubicles right now." and then this bitch giggles "He-He"

He-He MY ASS. Ya'all need to find a sister a damn desk. So they lead me back to the cut.
Yes. THE CUT.

"Here is where you'll be sitting for the next 4 months or so..."

Oh HELL no. Not the kid. I ain't fuckin' sitting back here in this dusty ass area.

The lady that hired me explained in my interview that I would be answering the overflow of calls that come thru the Automated Attendant.

I figure that everyone does this..they are all about the teamwork, right.

So tell me WHY she tells that after the 4 months, when I am well trained for my detail oriented position, will I then move to the Receptionist Desk to answer phones and do my other work.

They did not hire me to be a fucking Receptionist.
I did not apply to be a Receptionist.
I do not want to be a Receptionist.
I will not be a Receptionist.

Don't get me wrong..there is nothing wrong with being a Receptionist.
I just am not going to be one.
Not in the smoke and mirror kinda way.
Don't trick me into being your gahdamn Receptionist.

I am not that good with people.
I swear.

People piss me off. Quick.
The temper is short. No time for that bullshit.
No can do.

I quit.

So, I am discussing my options with sexy man this evening.

He is laughing his ass off at me. He tells me I should sleep on it, and decide in the morning.

Does he not know me at all??

Me..the girl who would rationalizes that I don't need to take a shower before work, so I can sleep for 10 more minutes. I also rationalize that I don't need to wear make up, or wash my hair. Or even get dressed for that matter. I have actually talked myself into sleeping 20 more minutes by telling myself that I can just wear my jammies to work.
Yeah. Me.
Yeah RIGHT!!!

Nope..no decision making like that in the morning..
Sleep will always win.
Trust me.

So..I have not yet decided what I am going to do..but more than likely..
I quit.
And that's just the way it is.

The smell of manliness

2006-02-17T22:42:00.000-05:00

Can anyone tell me why the boy just came into my room smelling like he just took a bath in cologne. He has so much cologne on, it gave me an instant headache.

"What the hell is that smell?" I wanted to know.

"That's the smell of manliness, mother!"

Did the boy just say "MAN-LI-NESS?"
He did.

*shaking my head*

ok..if you say so.

She's a clever bitch!

2006-02-16T22:01:00.000-05:00

"What a fucking idiot"

That's the only thing that I can think of to describe what I did today.

I met with the lady on Tuesday about this new job. I am not sure that I exactly want this one, but it could be okay, a stepping stone, perhaps. Just to get into something I really want without having to do a lot of explaining about my last job.

The circumstances of which I was let go, are shady at best. Basically, it's my refusal to bow down to the man. I guess he didn't appreciate my blunt honesty. He hated a bitch with an opinion. I have maintained that position from the beginning.

Anyway, the lady at the new spot tells me that she is having problems verifying my dates of employment. She wants me to help her out.

I email one of the supervisors the following email:

Hey..

I was wondering how I can get my dates of employment verified.

I don't want them to talk to anyone that feels compelled to put my business out there to them.--I did not tell them the circumstances of which I left under, and frankly, I don't want them to know, or get the opportunity to ask.

Let me know what you know.

Okay..follow me here.

This email went thru 2 people and back to me with my employment dates.

I spent the day with my sexy man, and was all out of sorts when I got back to the crib.
So tell me what I did? I fucking FORWARDED this email to the lady AT THE JOB.

Yes. I sure fucking did. yeah.

I immediately went into damage control mode. But we can't undo this one. That email is gone!
I got an email right back, auto-reply, stating that chick was out of the office today.
I got in touch with AOL. No can retrieve. I tell them "Bullshit..ya'all are AOL!!"

They bullshit me not.

My thinking automatically defaults to thug-criminal. There has got to be a way to fix this.
I call baby daddy. Yes. BABY DADDY. I will tell you this about him..
He is and always will be my partner in crime.
We were like Bonnie and Clyde.
He embraces my clever mind. He knows what I am capable of.

Seriously.

He does not answer his phone. But that's okay. I have a plan.
I take off the bottom part, that says the dumb shit, and I send this chick the email again.
And again.
And again.
And again.

Can anyone tell me if this will work or not??
You must use your creativity to figure it out why I did this.
I think it will work!!

I laugh about it now..but it is SO not funny.
If my plan doesn't work, then it wasn't meant to work.

If it works..I am one clever bitch!!

Nameless and Faceless

2006-02-16T11:15:00.000-05:00

I held my breath as I typed in her last name, then her first.
My heart pounded. I was up to no good and probably bout to get my feelings hurt.

I don't know, exactly what was looking for..but I was afraid of what I might find.

The matching names came up on the screen. There were so many!
Which one was her?
My heart still pounding, and my stomach started to hurt.

Why was I doing this again?

I scrolled down thru the names, and before I knew it, I was nodding my head.
Yes..I think that might be her?!? Ummm. maybe not. I don't really know.

What was I going to do with this information?

Exactly.
Nothing.

I let out a breath and clicked the 'X' at the top of the screen.
This was craziness, and I really wanted no parts of it.

I still don't understand what compels females to go looking for shit.
It's hard to know what to do with information that you have no business trying to gather in the first place.

I was not going to call her or send her a letter! I was not going to her house.
She is his EX girlfriend. The operative word being EX. And there is nothing that I need to know about her. I prefer that all 'EX's' remain nameless and faceless..but that is not always the case.

There is nothing that I am going to find that will make me feel better about anything.
I am certain, I will only feel worse. I am certain of it, so the self-torture is over.

I will not ever type this girls name again.
I don't (and shouldn't) care to know anything about her.

The computer will never tell me how much he loved her and if he still thinks about her.
I guess that's a good thing.
Right?

What will happen, will happen

2006-02-15T11:59:00.000-05:00

I went on another interview. It was last Thursday, and it went well.
It is a job that I can do without fucking up too much stuff.
That's important.

The lady explained that there are a few pre-employment things that need to be done.
A drug test.
A background check.
And a credit check.

This shit freaks me out. I feel like people are diggin into my business. This will, in no way, stop me from going postal if the situation arises, and I feel like that's what I need to do. I am sure that people everywhere go thru these kinds of checks, and still steal, do drugs and file bankruptcy.

I was pretty confident that I would be offered the job.
And I was. I guess, I passed the background and credit check. The only thing left?
A fuckin drug test.

I do not use drugs. I have probably blazed 1 or 2 times in the last year.
No time recently, though.

On Saturday, I felt that familiar stomach issue about to take a sister down. I have ulcers, and other tummy issues..and when that shit comes up, I am no good for about 5 hours.
And it is painful.

I went to my trusty supply of Vicodin. And I took one. And like clockwork, the pain was gone in about a half hour. Then I started worrying about this job thing. What if I get offered this job and have to go take a drug test. I do not have a prescription for this..and I will come back dirty. I want this job. I need this job. And they will think I am a damn drug addict. I have looked all over the internet trying to find out something...I didn't find any clear answers. I read somewhere that this drug stays in your system for about a week.

They want me to start Monday. But I am not sure how this drug thing is gonna work out.
Damn.

It's so funny how living a thug life for so long makes you think. I contemplated every drug test beating thing under the sun. These are not even things that I had to look up, they are things I know from hanging out with the crowd that I used to hang with.

Put bleach or drano or salt even, in your urine sample.
Drink lots of water and flush the drugs out of your system.
Use someone elses pee.
Dilute it with water, either from the tap, or the toilet.

~LOL~ the list goes on.

But in the end, I decided that fate will have it's way. It this job was really meant to be, I would get it, right? I have always believed that everything happens for a reason, and what will be, will be. If my dirt comes back on me, than so be it. I will just continue to do what I do and hope for the best.

What more can I do.

Where the hell is my duct tape?

2006-02-10T19:59:00.000-05:00

I am in a funk.
A fucked up, don't bother me, don't call me, don't come near me funk.
It will work itself out, but still.

Him? Leave me alone.
The other one? Leave me alone.
Baby daddy? You don't stand a chance.

As for the boy. He is safe. He is always safe from the wrath that is me.
But the little- no home training 8 year old ghetto life livin, smart mouth, bout to get beat down like she's an adult--because she decided to punch the boy in his mouth?
She bout to get it.

This is the same little girl that is always messin with the boy. This is not the first time that she has hit him..back in the summer, she slapped him in the face. Yeah. her.

So, I do-what any calm, tax paying, not trying to go to jail mom would do.
I go talk to her mother.
Okay. Why was that a mistake. I see where her daughter gets her out of control attitude from
She get it FROM HER MAMA.

I go knock on her door. I tell her that the boy was playing football and told her daughter that she could not play. And ya know why she can't play? Because I told the boy to stay away from her. And that if she tries to play anything that he is doing he has 1 of 2 choices.

He can either tell her NO--or he can bring his ass in the house. I guess he got tired of having to come in, so this time he told her that she couldn't play.

I tell her that her daughter then grabbed the boy by his hoodie, and punched him in the mouth.

When I knocked on her door, I just wanted it to be known that I don't appreciate her daughter putting her hands on the boy. The boy don't mess with people. He just does his thing..and he did what I told him to do.
She followed me out to the parking lot and called her daughter over. She asked her daughter if she hit the boy and she immediately went the hell off. This child went off on her mother. She called the boy a liar, and her mother told her to go inside. She said "Jesus Christ..I SAID I didn't DO ANYTHING TO THAT PUNK."

What? Huh? That's how you talk to your mother? Apparently so.

I mentioned that I have spoken to her daughter before, about her and the boy not getting along. I simply told her that if she don't like him, then stay away from him.

And do you know this ghetto fabulous bitch had the nerve to look at me, and say this:

"First of all, YOU ARE WRONG for you telling your child not to play with my daughter.
I am not putting up with this bullshit you coming and knocking on my door with this. You need to tell your child that he needs to FUCK HER UP. Don't teach your child to be a coward, and run. I teach my children not to run from anyone--stand there and fight. He needs to stand up for himself and fight her. Maybe after him giving her a good beat down, she will learn and not mess with him anymore. I don't get into kid shit. He needs to FUCK HER UP. And that's what I expect to happen. And DON'T be talking to my daughter. You will force her to act like an adult and then not understand why she is disrespecting you. If you have a problem, don't talk to her. Don't ever say shit to her--I will handle her. I am her mother. Not you. Not anyone else. YOU need to act like an adult in this situation, and not expect her to. SHE IS A CHILD..you are AN ADULT."

Did she just tell me to let the boy fuck her child up? She did.
And I don't understand this kind of mentality.

I told her that I was not going to teach the boy to fight, and this was an
unacceptable resolution to an obvious problem.
This is just ridiculous, and I really have nothing else to say.

So, when ya'all see on the NEWS, about how a crazed mother snatched up an innocent little girl, who was sweet and never did anything to anyone, you will understand the real story.

I gotta go look for my duct tape.

Come strong...or don't come at all

2006-02-09T18:49:00.000-05:00

Sunday night, there was a knock at the door. It was one of my friends. She was not happy. I could tell as soon as I opened the door that she had something on her mind.

I knew why she was here.

She wanted to know when the phone calls started, and more importantly, why I didn't feel the need to tell her. She wanted to know when he called me and what was said, and how he really got my number. She was a little confrontational, but new that she bett'not cross my imaginary boundary. Cuz, if she did, she knew that she would leave here just as frustrated, if not more than when she knocked on my door.

She was also afraid that I would keep it real; that type of business is hard to discuss.

The only reason that she even got this far, is because she is not some random bitch off the street commin at me demanding to know what, if anything, I am doing with her man, but the funny thing is that she never asked me if I fucked him, she never asked if I entertained dating him.

I don't know if this is because she was sure that I didn't..or if she was sure that I did.

This is the same man that I posted about at the beginning of January. This fool was "hanging out" with one of my friends. He actually waited until she was asleep to go through her cell phone to get ALL of my numbers. I mean all of them. He called the boy's cell phone. I told him in no uncertain terms that I was not interested. But that didn't stop him from calling every once in a while to see if I had changed my mind.

I told one of my other girlfriends, and she suggested that I snitch him out. Only there were a few problems with that:

1) This fool is straight thuggin. I can't deal with no convicted criminal bringing drama to my door.
2) My friend said that there was nothing between them. She said this not once, not twice, but too many times to count.
3) I have no interest in him..if she is not with him, as SHE said she wasn't, then what is there to tell?

Exactly.

Well, it seems that one of my friends ran into him in a club. The friend stupid and drunk enough to call him out. And she did just that. She's lucky he didn't fuck her up right there. This is one of those chicks that got drunk courage. She gets a few drinks in here and thinks she can whoop anyone's ass. Yeah. It was none of her business. She was out of line. She was disrespectful.
AND..
She almost got fucked up.

The drama between her and I because of all this?
That's another story for another time.
But let's just say..her bullshit did not go without mention. ~evil grin~

So of course, he denied everything. That's what I expected. But the twist that I didn't expect?
He said that I was coming on to him, and that he is coming over here to "fuck me up" for startin shit.
Yep.
That's what he said.

So, basically, I am minding my own business. This asshole jacks my numbers from my friends phone. He calls me and I have no interest. And now I am getting fucked up. Ummm. How does that make any sense?
And..um..yeah..I'm afraid.

But just like I told her, and like I'll tell him...

Come strong, ghetto thug.
Cuz' you have no idea what I got over here waiting for you
and I got no problem handling my business.

Dude had me..

2006-02-05T03:06:00.000-05:00

He walked into the room. His eyes were on me. He started to dance around a little.
A strip tease.

He took his shirt off and threw it on the floor. He fell to his knees and crawled over to me.
He was looking into my eyes.

He licked his lips.

He moved closer to me and did the "come here" finger wag.
I stood up and moved closer to him.

He grabbed me by the back of my hair. He wrapped my long hair around his hand.
He licked me across my face, and put his mouth and tongue near my ear.
He whispered "lay down."
I gave him my 'I KNOW you're not talking to me like that.. look'
He tugged hard on my hair. "I SAID. LAY.DOWN!"

I laid down face first.~damn, he wasn't playin~
He crawled under me and put his "stuff" right in my face...he pumped up and down a few times.
He crawled over top of me, and rested his body on my back.
He pulled my shirt up and licked all down my back until he got to my jeans.

He crawled backwards up my back.
He was once again in my face.
He smiled, winked, licked me across my face again
and then went about his business.
I gave him a dollar for his troubles. ~wink~

Damn. I love me some male strippers. And dude...was tight! ~DAMN~

The Interview

2006-02-02T22:19:00.000-05:00

I had a job interview yesterday. It was ghetto.

I was a little nervous, I hate interviews. I am a clown. ~rolls eyes~
And it's hard to hide my smart-ass-edness sometimes.
Especially when the girl interviewing you is..well..ghetto.

It was apparent to me that this chick had no interviewing skills.
She was so unprofessional. She cursed, smacked her gum, and talked to other people in the middle of our interview--Completely and CLEARLY not work related.
It was annoying. She had all her questions written on a piece of paper,
and was reading them off like a damn check list. She wrote down my answers.
I hope she wrote down what I actually said, and not some bullshit.
I had to really search for those answers.

"Why did you apply for this job?"
"Why should I hire you?"
"IF hired, Name some things that would make you quit?"

What the fuck kind of questions are these? Have I missed something?
I laughed, because all the answers that came to me FIRST, were just too entertaining to say.
I had to think hard, because the obvious answers were not good ones.
Atleast they wouldn't be to her.

After she went down her list of about 20 questions, all stupid as hell, she said that she wanted to show me around the office. She said that she is looking for someone that is able to fit in with the other girls; she doesn't want to hire someone that can't get along with the group.

She starts taking me around. All sistas. Not one white chick in the building.
Damn--I laughed to myself. I am gonna be the token white chick up in here!!
The thought of that just cracked me up.

I am sure that not everyone there would be appreciative that I do 'black love' ~smirk~
I wonder if they could tell?
She introduced me to all the workers. They all seemed cool, but I felt like I was on auction at muhfuckin E.B.A.Y. All the girls were checkin me out. I guess tryna figure if I was
white-white ~LOL~ or what the hell my story was.

I don't know if I am ready for this..I guess we will see!

You are...perfect.

2006-02-02T00:57:00.000-05:00

I almost fell the hell out when I heard those words come out of his mouth.
The shock of hearing baby daddy say those words to me today left me speechless.

Did he forget who he was talking to? ~LOL~
It's me..baby mama!

He didn't call me a bitch.
He didn't call me an asshole.
He didn't say I was selfish.
He said I was perfect.

I think if any other man said those words to me, I would be headed to get a marriage license.
So, what did baby daddy want, this time? Did he want me to call off the Sheriff from serving his ass child support papers? Did he want me to shut the fuck up about giving me money?
Actually. no.
He wants to get back together with me.

And He told me I was perfect.

I called him late this evening, because I was surfing on the internet, and I came across this site that had some of his personal information on it. Baby daddy is a very private person, and he would never put his business out there like that. I wanted to let him know of my findings.

We started talking, like two civilized people. There was no cursing, no carrying on, no name calling and no blaming. We started talking about our relationship, and what really went wrong.

He went on to say, he never imagined his life without me, and he figured that I would always be there. He said that he wished that he listened to what I was really saying. He said that at the time, he had no idea how unhappy I was.

The whole time that baby daddy is talking, saying how he wants us to get back together, I had only 1 thought in my head.
Him. Him, as in my sexy man. Am I ready to give him up? I have been up in his grill for almost a year. I have written about all the drama, love, excitement, and sexiness that surrounds us. And not to mention his little secret that has recently come to light ~rolls eyes~

But baby daddy told me I was perfect.

While talking to him, I was actually doing some math in my head.
I could do this, I thought.
Why was I thinking this way? All the pain that this man caused me is enough for a lifetime.
Nobody can ever hurt me like he did. Nobody. Never.
He stripped me of a lot of things that he had no right to take from me.
I allowed it, but had no idea what was happening to me in the process. That was sad.
When he was finished with me, I was not the same person.
He had stolen my spirit right from underneath me.
Tragic.

I wondered to myself if I could tolerate being with him. I know he would be good to me. I just know it. But I am not the same person that I was when we were together. I don't think he can handle 2006 Brenda--I mean damn.

We could make babies. He could help support and care for his son.
He could pay some rent around this bitch-he makes good money.
He could love me like I want and need--he knows me better than anyone--still, to this day.

Maybe I need to stop looking at him as the enemy, and some clarity will come my way.
He said I was perfect, but I can not say the same about him.
Deep down, I hate him. With more passion than I ever loved him.
How would we ever be able to grow as a couple when I have hate in my heart?
We can't. And I know that.

I am not perfect. And I don't want to be.

Beyond his skin, into his heart

2006-02-01T02:27:00.000-05:00

Recently, I ran into an old school friend.

He was stressed the hell out, chasing 8 children around at a Carnival. I never said anything to him, he was with a female, his wife or baby mama, I would guess.
We walked right past each other and smiled.
It was him, and I knew it—he hadn’t changed a bit. My eyes followed him and I turned around to watch him walk. He turned around and quickly glanced at me, trying not to get caught by his female companion.
He turned back around and continued walking.
He never looked back again.
He soon disappeared into the crowd.

For the second time in my life, I could not take my eyes off of him.

He was the first black man that I ever loved.

In High School, I was just one of those girls that everyone liked. I had not officially converged on the interracial scene, and I was pretty much open to dating anyone, I had not yet acquired the flava of a brutha.
Until I met him.

I was in the 10th grade. He was my biology partner, and he was beautiful.
He was beautiful from head to toe. I looked forward to seeing him every day.

I will never forget how we used to accidentally touch each other while working on a project. The first time, I pulled my hand away like I had touched fire. He looked at me with those sexy eyes. He shook his head and frowned at me. I had disappointed him.

He kept things strictly business for a while after that.
What did he want from me??
Neither one of us wanted any drama.

The more we worked together, the more I grew to like him. The more I liked him, the sexier he became. He was funny, and extremely bright. I started to love him. It scared me and excited me at the same time. I was caught up, and I knew it.

The distinct difference of our skin color was just so sexy to me. He always used to catch me starting at his hand resting near mine. I could feel him looking at me, and I would follow his arm, up to his face. He always looked at me with such intensity. Like I was a puzzle that he was trying to figure out where the next piece went. I was not afraid of him, or my feelings for him. I was not afraid to meet his intensity with mine. We were just time e'nuf for each other.

As it turned out, we were better at being friends than lovers. Yeah, it bugged me when I saw him with other girls, none of them ever white, which I found strange. Ultimately, we stopped talking altogether. I rarely ever saw him, but when I did, we would always exchange “we have a secret” glances. It never occurred to me to try to keep in contact with him. And I didn’t.
It's been a long time.

Seeing him made me remember the intensity of which I loved him, despite everything that I had to lose; It was against everything that my family wanted for me, and everything that my friends believed in. Everyone somehow thought that my life was ruined. I think they talked about me behind my back but I didn't care what people thought of me. We were intimate, and I cared about him.

He made me reach beyond the color of his skin and into his heart.
And I have nothin’ but love for the man that made me do that.

He is fighting demons, too.

2006-01-28T13:38:00.000-05:00

So, he and I are laying in bed having pillow talk. An advertisement for that new movie "Something New" comes on. The one where Sanaa Lathan ends up dating her white gardener.

"Nope" he says while shaking his head. "Can't get with that."

"Huh?" I say? "What are you talking about?"

I knew what he meant. I just wanted him to say it.

I was so shocked that I must have been looking at him like he was crazy.
He said something about her "being with a white dude" and then said something about his dislike for Wesley Snipes "because of his refusal to date black women"...

"Ummmm. I don't think I understand...???"
He must have forgotten where he was and who he was talking to.
He just looked at me.
I think he became aware at that exact moment that I am white.
And he is black.
And he is doing everything that he hates.
I don't believe that he has ever been with a white woman before me.
I think that his emotions have him caught up, and he is unable to justify it to himself.
I think that he never saw himself in this position; his heart and his head battling.
He has no idea what hit him!
His ego vs. his libido. (Closet Owner 01/2006)

That explains alot. It really does.

It explains his anger at himself for falling into this (self-created) trap everytime.
It explains his lack of affection towards me after spending the night.
It must shock him to wake up in the bed of a white woman a few nights a week.

Maybe this means nothing, and maybe it means everything.
Only time will tell.
This has no affect on how I feel about him.

Those are his demons. That is his fight.
He needs to figure it all out.
And he will. I won't trip.

I will love him just the same.

Little Girl Lost

2006-01-19T01:25:00.000-05:00

I just got done reading an amazing post. You can read it HERE! (He Got Served)

I am so proud of my girl!

It’s funny, because I don’t really have friends that do things to make me think as hard as this.

To think~wow~ that must have been a difficult thing to do.
To think yikes! I can't believe she had the courage to do that!
Most of my friends are usually doing DIRT, while all blog worthy, nothing like this.

The hate of a baby daddy. There is nothing like it. But some of us will never ever have to live our lives being afraid.
Afraid of him.
Afraid of what he may do.
Unsure just what exactly he is capable of.

She has started to fight her demons. Yeah, I fight demons too, but they are different.
She is starting to believe in herself. And not worry so much about what other people think.
She is starting to realize that she is a wonderful person. I will continue remind her every day.
She is moving forward with her life, without having fear in her heart.
I admire her so much. I wish I had the strength that she has.
She has so much. She is so talented. She's a great mom.
She is no longer "little girl lost"~she is finding her way with a vengeance.

While I have never met her, I know her thoughts, fears and dreams.
One day, she will be as great to everyone as she already is to me
I love her, and I am privileged to be able to call her my friend.

Full Circle

2006-01-05T00:46:00.000-05:00

It amazes me how things come full circle.

It's almost as if I am being tested.
Actually I am being tested and I don't know why. If you have read my other posts: "Play Lotto" and "Fucked Up"--you will see that I was upset about some things that were done to me, by people that are supposed to care about me.

I was pissed about both incidents, and wondered if I could ever treat anyone that way.
Well.
I can.
Without hesitation.
Of course, the circumstances were somewhat different, but the final result was the same.
Sort of.

So, to start off 2006, here are the 2 tests that came my way:

Test #1 When we all left to go out on New Year's Eve, everyone in my group knew what the plan was. Yeah, when you have to deal with a bunch of chicks getting ready to have a night out, there is always some lateness involved.

But, my thing is this: We all have cars. We all know how to get where we are going.
When I am ready to leave, and you want to ride with me, you also must be ready.
And when I am ready to leave the place that we are at, you need to bring your ass on.
Simple, right?

Not.so.much.

When I was ready to leave, one of the girls --ALWAYS--needs to act like she is running shit. This would be the same bitch that was pushing up on "The Other One"--My patience with her are already limited, and she want to play games about when she is coming outside to the car.
So I pulled off without her.

Without hesitation.

She called my cell before I got out of the complex, and told me she was outside, so I circled back to pick her ass up. This bitch was not outside. She almost got left again, but I saw her ass running thru the breezeway. We drove to our spot, which is 3 minutes from where we live. We no sooner got there, and this bitch started acting like she ain't got no fuckin sense.
She looked and acted drunk. And I soon realized that she was just that.
She gets drunk by smelling likka.
She had nothing to drink at the bar.
She is one of those people that have NO BUSINESS drinking.
She is NASTY, and VIOLENT, and ANNOYING.
She wasted no time being all of the aforementioned.
She could not keep her hands to herself, falling all over the place and grabbing anyone that was in her reach.
She dug her nails into my skin.
Enough was enough.

I quickly cussed her ass out and told her that if she grabbed me again, that I would knock her the fuck out. She spent the rest of the night in the bathroom. Crying, throwing up or whatever she was doing. Not cute, and I really didn't care, it was not my job to watch her.
And I refused to.

When it came time to go, I sent one of the other girls in to get her.
"Go tell that bitch that I am ready to go, and to come the fuck on..."
She came back and said "She said she needs 20 more minutes.."
"ummmm. Nope!" and I left.
I left her at the bar.
I just thought, let her ass catch a cab.
This is not my problem, and I am not watching no grown ass woman.

Yes, wrong on so many levels.
But damn.

I found out later that this chick had 2 drinks before we left to go out.
2 fucking drinks. And was acting a complete fool.
I told her today that she will NEVER ride anywhere with me again.
and I mean that shit.

Test #2

One of the girls that went out with us, brought a manfriend along. She met him less than a month ago, and has told us many times that they are just friends. He has somewhat of a shady past, but all that aside, they kick it a few times a week. He seemed like a nice guy but very thug. Too thug.
Not at all my type, and I didn't give him a second thought.

So why on Monday afternoon, is this thug muhfukka ringing my phone?

He tells me who he is, and the purpose of his call.
He knows he's wrong.
He knows he's creeping. And he knows that shit is not cool.
He wants to "hook up" because I am more his type, and it "looks" like I can do more for him than my friend. That they "ain't like that" and it can "be just between us" and all the other bullshit that he talked.

Huh? Wwwhut? Are you fucking kidding me?

I am not saying that the thought of a new team player didn't cross my mind.
It did.
I entertained it for a few seconds.

Always fighting demons.

But in the end, I had to win that fight. I am trying my hardest to not to be cruddy.
Sometimes, I feel like it's kill or be killed.
But this should not be one of those times. There are too many men out here for this shit. Besides, he is not all that. I am not judging him, by any means, but there are some things about him that just make me uncomfortable.
This dude would have to come straight at me with a Platinum dick, and I just don’t think he rolls that way.

So, yeah..I am not going there. As for my friend?
Well, this is just one she is gonna have to figure out without my help.
She is on her own.
And that’s just the way it is.

It amazes me how things come full circle.

Lies, Secrets and Scandal

2006-01-03T15:35:00.000-05:00

So, I mentioned this anonymous person in my Reflection post. I said there was a person that I wasn't ready to talk about, just yet.

Well, I am cleaning out my closet..so I have changed my mind.

Gimme a minute to think of a nick-name. I don't want to ruin his life. Or mine.
Let's call him The Beautiful One.

I met The Beautiful One a few years ago at a pool party. I was instantly attracted to him. He was handsome, and sexy. And he liked me. It was so obvious. Everyone noticed how we flirted with each other, but everyone just assumed that he was fucking with me. I thought so at first, because I just couldn't imagine what the hell he wanted with me. I pictured him dating beautiful women. Perfect women. And that, I was not.

We talked until the party was over. We were in a group, so the conversation remained pretty casual. Surface shit. Nothing too personal.

The next day, one of my friends mentioned something about The Beautiful One. She said that she noticed our attraction, but warned me that she was pretty sure he had a girlfriend.
"So what" I thought. That's her problem..not mine.

We ran into each other pretty regularly after that. It seems that he lived nearby, and was actually related to one of my acquaintances. Whenever The Beautiful One and I saw each other, it was on. I finally called him out about him having a girlfriend, and he said something really shitty about her...I remember telling him, that if he was my man and I ever heard that he said some shit like that, we would be done.

A few months later, I was coming home from work. The Beautiful One was visiting someone in my apartment complex. He was walking to his car. I stopped to talk. Not 5 minutes later, he dangles his hand thru my sunroof and says "Look." I looked at his hand and damn if there wasn't a shiny, gold wedding band on his finger.
Damn him.

I kinda kept him at arms length because of that. Yeah, we flirted, but I always reminded him that he had a wife at home. A year later, I would remind him that he had a wife and a baby.
One night, I saw him at a gathering of mutual friends, and reminded him of his "prior engagements"..he took his ring off in front of everyone and dropped it on the table. It tinged, tinged and tinged as it hit the table. It finally came to a rest.
"Now WHAT..?!?" he said.
I was shocked. Was that what he really wanted to say?
He had to love his wife.
Didn't he?

One night around 11pm, he stopped by my apartment. He was on his way in from having a few drinks. and he was with my friend.
My friend saw The Beautiful One head straight for my bed, and said that they were leaving. They wanted no parts of what was about to pop off. The Beautiful One laid across my bed. Clearly he was drunk. I decided, that I wanted no parts of it either. I told him to go home.
He got a little mad at me..he said that all these years, he was trying to get with me, and now was our chance, and I wanna be scared? I admitted that yes, I was scared. Not because of her..and not because of him, but because of myself.

Sometimes you hype shit up so much, that you only set yourself up to be disappointed. I felt like this was one of those times. I felt like all the shit we talk, and all the looks and everything that we do needed to stay right at that level. There was no need to take it any further.
Would I then become his Mistress? Fuck that. So really, what was the point? It was not that serious.

Situations similar to this happened a few times.
What does this man want from me? I always asked myself.
Why is he doing this?
I know. This is a test. As I always say, Everything is a test. And I was about to fail.
I was fighting demons. It became harder and harder to say no to him.
I keep telling myself, that I am not that girl.
I am not the girl that fucks someone's husband.
Not on purpose. Not knowingly. Not willingly. Not me.

On his birthday, in December, The Beautiful One went out drinking. He called me @1am saying he was on his way home from the bar. I told him (joking) to come get his birthday present. A few minutes, he was knocking on my door. Again, he came in, took his shoes off, and laid across my bed. He motioned for me to come lay beside him, and I did. After a few minutes of talking, he started trying to mack. I swear, I fought the good fight. But in the end, I lost.

I have not talked to him or seen him since. I have no need to. I don't want to.
This is just one of those secrets that I will keep to myself. I don't ever want anyone to know.
Yes, I had no business. Yes, I am fucked up. Yes, I am wrong.

I did it and I will own it in my own world. But that's it. It goes no farther than that.
I never want to see The Beautiful One again.

Reflecting

2006-01-01T00:19:00.000-05:00

I blog-jacked this from CoolAC, who jacked it from someone else. Hey..we gotta do what we gotta do...

1) Was 2005 a good year for you?
Overall, it was pretty good. I have learned some things about myself, and I have everything that I need. And I have "the boy" the one person in this world that loves me unconditionally.

2) What was your favorite moment of the year?
Jeez, I have so many, one of them would have to be when he met my friends for the first time. He was walking in the door, and my friends were like "girl..look what just walked thru the door..Oh my, he's beautiful" and I said.."That's my man..." ~LOL~another would be my birthday. I had such a great time with my friends, although it lead to...

3) What was your least favorite moment of the year?
I would have to say when I realized that I will never have him the way that I want and need. Also, when baby daddy didn't show up to the boys birthday party.

4) Where were you when 2005 began?
I was out, bringing in the new year with my friends.

5) Who were you with?
My single girlfriends. We had a great time.

6) Where will you be when 2005 ends?
At the same spot as last new years eve.

7) Who will you be with when 2005 ends?
with the same crew..

8) Did you keep your new years resolution of 2005?
I didn't really make any resolutions, I just promised to try to do my best, with all my situations as they exist or arise.

9) Do you have a new years resolution for 2006?
No more wasting time. No matter if it be on relationships that aren't going anywhere, or not doing the things that I need to do.

10) Did you fall in love in 2005?
I think I did..but as always, it was the wrong one.

11) If yes, with who?
with him.

12) If yes, do they know?
He knows. He doesn't acknowledge it or care...but he knows.

13) Are you still in love with them?
Absolutely. And I don't care how he feels about it. It has nothing to do with him, and it's really none of his business.

14) You regret it?
Not at all. My feelings for him will remain for him. That's just the way we roll.

15) Did you breakup with anyone in 2005?
I had to cut a few people short, yeah.

16) Did you make any new friends in 2005?
I would have to say yes, there is a constant hiring process at my job. I consider most of my co-workers "friends" we always have each others back, and I can count on them. AND..I have a new friend in Miami. I don't know if she considers us "friends", but I do. I admire her and respect her opinions, and never judge her. That's what friends do, right?

17) Who are your favorite new friends?
If you are my friend, you are my friend. I don't play favorites. I do them all the same.

18) What was your favorite month of 2005?
I would have to say November. That is my vacation month!

19) Did you travel outside of the US in 2005?
Yes, on a cruise to the Bahamas with the boy.

20) How many different states have you traveled in 2005?
3--
Pennsylvania, North Carolina, and Florida.

21) Did you lose anybody close to you in 2005?
yes...and I was really bothered by the circumstances of her death.

22) Did you miss anybody in the past year?
yes...and I tired to contact him. It was a bullshit move, but I did it, and I'm over it.

23) What was your favorite movie that you saw in 2005?
Crash

24) What was your favorite song from 2005?
I like Fantasia's song "Free Yourself" ..I sing my ass off in the car!
And also Vivian Greene.."Gotta Go"

25) What was your favorite album from 2005?
I like Keysha Cole, and Jill Scott. I just listen to what I like..I guess they're new? Right?

26) How many concerts did you see in 2005?
Just 1--Greenday. With the boy. It was actually a good concert considering I don't really listen to that genre of music.

27) Did you have a favorite concert in 2005?
I guess that one, since it was the only one that I went to.

28) Did you drink a lot of alcohol in 2005?
Not too much..not really a drinker..but I can throw 'em back!

29) Did you do a lot of drugs in 2005?
I smoked a few times...the drug scene is not really my thing.

30) How many people did you sleep with in 2005?
Sleep with, or fuck? ~LOL~ Let's see. Ya'all just gonna have to read the archives for this one.. and one other, that I am not ready to talk about, just yet. ~ And these are the one's that I will admit to. So, I know that there is a sista code about what counts and what doesn't. These count. The others don't.
Damn, I just put all my shit on the street.

31) Did you do anything you are ashamed of this year?
I am never ashamed of anything I do and don't usually do things that I can't admit to.

32) What was the biggest lie you told in 2005?
I try not to lie..I would have to say that most of my lies are by omission.
And that being said, allowing my men to think they are the only one in my life.

33) What was the worst lie someone told you in 2005?
"I have no drama!~mmhmm. I am drama-free!"
This was his response to the question.."Do you have a woman?"

34) Did you treat somebody badly in 2005?
I did. And I am over it. I hope they are too.

35) Did somebody treat you badly in 2005?
Only as bad as I let them.

36) How much money did you spend in 2005?
Just take my annual salary, and add about 10K to it.
And there you have it. ~LOL, Serenity23~

37) What was your proudest moment of 2005?
When I fixed the boys bike, and he said.."Mom, as long as I got you, I don't need anybody else!"

38) What was your most embarrassing moment of 2005?
I try to stay out of embarrassing situations. But I would have to say in October when a bunch of my friends went out to lunch and he came along. They made comments that made it look like I tell them all of our business.
I was pissed, but much more embarrassed than anything.

39) If you could go back in time to any moment of 2005 what would it be?
It would be back to the first time he stood me up. Because it would have been the last.

40) What are your plans for 2006?
To stay away from men that are no good for me. To leave all the drama bitches in my life alone. To stop working so damn late every night. To go on another cruise, this time to Mexico!

Random shit that prevented me from sleeping last night.

2005-12-22T11:55:00.000-05:00

Last night I was up until 2:15 AM. I had so much shit on my mind, I couldn't fall asleep. I usually use the time right after I get in bed to reflect, plot and plan. I also use this time for my dreams that I want to make a reality.

So, here are the things that are going on in my head.

(1) Yesterday, I believe that sexy man bumped his muhfukkin head 40 times.
He talked to me like I was an idiot.
That is one thing that I will call someone out in a minute for. Don't fuckin talk to me like Imma stupid ass--when you know damn well I'm not. Ok, some people don't know yet, but HE KNOWS and that shit is unacceptable. I think he felt bad, because I reacted immediately. I narrowed my eyes and turned and walked away. He tired to back peddle so fast, but it was too late. I kept walking and put my "shut the fuck up" hand up.

(2) Shopping for the boy has proved to be...let's just say...a challenge. He had like $1500.00 worth of snowboarding shit on his list. Um. NO. Not Happening, little one. So, last night he gives me a "revised" list. Jesus. How the fuck am I supposed to get all this shit before Christmas? Damn. He did ask for a video camera. Yes, a video camera, like he's grown. I left that for Daddy-O. I hope that he comes thru for the boy. I hate to leave such an important task up to BabyDaddy, but damn. He has to do something.

(3) I finally answered the phone. "The Other One" has been calling for a month. I have not answered any of his calls, because he be talking that bullshit, and I am pissed off for that shady shit he did. (See post: Play lotto, don't play me)
He completely missed the point why I was mad. He called me "caught up" and "jealous" and I was like, Um. Muhfukka, I did not answer your calls for a month. Does that sound "caught up" to you. Um.NO. He came over and fell asleep on my couch. He called the next day and told me he was "done with me" then called back 2 minutes later and wanted to come over. I said, DID YOU DIAL THE WRONG NUMBER?
~LOL~ He is a mess.

(4) The boy get his skilz from his mama. Tell me why the boy walked down to the deli across the street from our complex with 4 dollars. I told him to get a loaf of bread, and that he could have the change. This boy comes back with: bread, a soda, chips, a pack of gum, a candy bar, and a Redskins skully. Come'on Man.
He tells me that the lady at the deli said that he could pay her next time. WTF?
I was like "BOY" Don't do that shit, The next time I go to the deli and have to pay thirty dollars for a gallon of milk, I'm gonna be pissed. Don't be shopping at the deli on credit." He just giggled and kept it moving. God, I love him.

(5) I had a sleep over the other night. At 4am, I hear the boy LOUDLY question:
"Why are you sleeping with HIM??" ~LOL~ It seems that the boy woke up and wanted to get into bed with me, but sexy man was occupying his spot. When I realized that the boy was mostly still sleeping, I moved over and made room for him. He fell right back to sleep, and stayed there till morning. Sexy man never commented on it, so I guess he wasn't too freaked out. The boy remembers nothing. Thank god for the sandman.

Diversity

2005-12-18T00:14:00.000-05:00

On Tuesday of last week, I was informed by the powers that be at my job, that I was scheduled for a "diversity class" on Friday. What the fuck is that all about? I just had to wonder. Does anyone at this job know me at all? I am just about one of the diverse people that I know.

Friday morning, I arrive at the class. There was about 30 people there. I was one of the first..LOL..I am usually 5 minutes late for work every day, and my boss told me to please PLEASE be on time. So, I figured that if I was late, someone would probably throw me under the bus, so I got there early. They were serving breakfast so we all went into another area to eat. All the girls kinda sat together.

When I get in the class, I go sit near the front. I usually have a lot to say, so I like to be near the front so that I can be seen and heard. There was a group of sista's that I know pretty well that were there, and they ended up sitting in the back. After everyone found a seat, the guy teaching the class came in. He was a tall black guy, but I could tell he was not American. He had a slight hint of an accent, and I was trying to figure out in my head where he was from. I guessed he was a Trinni. And I later found out, I was indeed correct.

When he came into the room, he had a look of disappointment on his face. When I looked around at our self appointed seating arrangement, I understood why.
All the whites were sitting together, and all the blacks were together.
So much for diversity, I thought.
I could have sat with anyone..it wouldn't have mattered to me, it just so happened that the white guys (that I also am friendly with) happened to sit at my table. Some people knew each other, others didn't. I knew every person in the room. I get around like that!

So, the instructor started moving everyone around. People started laughing when I was asked to go sit in the back with the sistas. One of them said.."excuse me, but you aren't doin' nothin' by movin' her back here!" Everyone chuckled. I even laughed, because it was true. I am comfortable around everyone. It was not a big deal.

The class was interesting. And at times BRUTAL. There was a movie that we watched, called "The Eye of the Storm" You can watch it HERE. It was way, WAY back in the day. I believe it was the day after The Reverand Dr. Martin Luther King, Jr. was murdered. It was filmed in Iowa, and it was a VERY interesting film. A white teacher decided to show her white 3rd grade students what it felt like to be discriminated against. She was later fired for this.

We then were asked to leave the room. When we came back, there were "titles" written across the board. They were African-American, White Female, White Male, Hispanic, etc.
We were then asked to write specific stereotypes about each of these groups of people. After we were done, we then had to find "group" and stand under our stereotypes and read what society as a whole thinks about us. That was the brutal part.
It was horrible.
It was sad.
It made me upset.

We told some personal stories, where we felt discriminated against. I almost told my story about that bitch from the cruise that I was about to catch a charge for, but changed my mind. That is too personal, and I didn't want to stir up any shit.

After the class, I was approached by the instructor. It seems that he is interested in having me teach some diversity classes at my company. I have to be trained first, but I think I can handle it...Only problem, I am afraid to talk infront of people. It scares the shit out of me, and takes my breath away. I don't know anyone that does public speaking....except...THIS CHICK!!...
She is the only person that reads my blog anyway.

So, Tee...Holla at your girl and send a sista some speaking tips or I swear,
I will choke on my words.

I guess, that we all have something to learn about diversity. I am by no means perfect. But I am getting there, and I am willing to teach others how to get there too. And that's not so bad.

He Just Don't Care About Me.

2005-12-15T23:34:00.000-05:00

I wonder how many times I have to say this before I start to believe it.
I mean really believe it. It makes me sad, to have such a revelation.
It's horrible, when you realize that the person that you like so much and
would do anything for just don't give a shit about you.

They talk a good game. But that shit isn't enough.
Do something.
Do something for me, that benefits you IN NO WAY.
Keep it real. Show me something.

He just don't care about me.

So I will keep telling myself this, until I believe it in my heart..
And then.

I will be gone.

Fucked Up. In more ways than one.

2005-12-10T23:58:00.000-05:00

I am not sure how I feel about this, because of how I feel about him.

I should be pissed and done with him. But it takes me a lot to get to that with someone.
I have lots of patience with men that treat me badly.

So, it went down like this…

Last night was my work Holiday Party. I am on the Employee Activity Committee so I was responsible for certain aspects of the party planning.
I decided to get a photographer to take prom like pictures. It was kind of/sort of a joke...but the committee thought it was a great idea.

Last year, my sexy man date took pictures all through the Holiday Party. He is a contracted employee for my company but his role there makes him a very visible and well known person. Everyone was shocked that we were there together, and even more shocked that my drunk ass said “we have a room here!” (The party was at a hotel)
Anyway. He sent the pictures out to everyone the following Monday. He is also a photographer, and a very good one. He does weddings, sporting events, and private sittings.

Everyone on the committee wanted to know if he was going to be my date again this year, because they wanted free photograpgy and I told them no. Last years party is when all our work/are we dating/are we fucking drama started. As I knew it would. The committee decided to get me to ask sexy man if we could pay him to take the photographs this year. I told them that he would do it and told him later that he was doing it. It was decided that he would stay from 7:30 till 9:30. He was okay with it, because I think he really wanted to come to the party with me, but didn’t want the drama. He knew that I would be there, and probably near him the entire night. He told me that he had somewhere else to go afterward and that he would not be staying the entire night. I wanted to get a room, because last year I got pretty drunk and figured that even though I live 10 minutes from the hotel, I wouldn’t have to worry about getting home if I drank too much. But because we didn't want anyone to see us leaving in the morning together, we decided not to get a room. --and besides--he told me he had somewhere to go after the party.

He got there late, because he got stuck at work, and by the time he arrived, I had already had 3 drinks. I AM NOT A DRINKER. I drink on occasion…But I can throw ‘em back. And I was.
He needed me to help him set up a little, which I did. I was well on my way to drunked-ness. I got him a drink whenever I got myself one. He said they weren’t very strong, so I started ordering us doubles. He probably had 3 drinks. And then, there was me…It was open bar and I was taking advantage of that! He was taking pictures in the mingling/bar area..the people I work with are HILARIOUS! Some of those pictures…
I had a few taken of me and the girls that I work with. I think I was in damn near every picture.
I was starting to feel the likka.
I am a funny ass drunk. I giggle a lot.
I got jokes. I am a sexual mess.
No, make that a sexual train wreck.
I have no damn discretion what I say, or to who.
I think I even told one of my co-workers that he had a nice ass. ~LOL~

The party was to end at 11pm. By 10, I was done. Or should have been. I got another drink. Sexy man and I were checking on each other all night..everyone assumes that we are together, and I am tired of defending that. I just let them think what they want. I understand why the do, and I would think the same thing if it were another chick and him behaving the way we do..

I walked up to him and started giggling. He asked me if I was alright. I just laughed. He knew I was drunk. He said…”Why don’t you stop DRINKING and SMOKING and SIT THE FUCK DOWN somewhere!” ~~LOL~~

“OK” I tell him. So..I go to the bar, get a drink, walk past him, hold it up to show him and head for the door to go have a smoke. ~LOL~ He knows how much of a smart ass I am and he just shook his damn head at me.

I don’t know where I was, or who I was talking to, or how long I was gone, but I went back out to the area where he was, he was packed up and ready to leave. He was looking for me to tell me he was leaving. Our conversation went like this:

Him: I am leaving, baby..I gotta go!

Drunk me: You’re gonna have to take me home.

Him: When?

Drunk me: Now.

Him: I got somewhere to be.

Drunk me: OK, well, drop me off…and keep my car..I don’t care…

Him: Baby, I told you before… I have somewhere to be…

He started walking backwards towards the exit, watching me the entire time.

I slowly put my hands up..it looked like a sad, hurt version of what the fuck? I know my face was frowned. It was non-verbal ‘what should I do?’ And this asshole waved his hand at me. As if to say ‘bye’...
"I'll call you..." he said and he turned his back and went out the door.

I immediately got my purse, and jacket. I picked up my cell phone and called his number. He didn’t answer. I laughed in spite of that. Mostly because I was just too drunk to do anything else. I dialed him again. He didn’t answer. I started walking to the door myself.
I too, was leaving.

I am walking thru the parking garage, and I stopped to take my boots off (??)
Some dude starts to holla at me. My drunk ass stops to listen to him spit game at me.
He's a doctor..he is here for an interview..He has a room at the hotel and suggests that I come up because I was too drunk to drive. For a split second, it sounded like a good idea. I may have even agreed to it. I can’t exactly remember. I don’t remember his name, but he was nice..EVEN HE knew I shouldn’t be driving.

About 5 minutes later, sexy man called my cell. He wanted to know where I was.
In my car, I tell him. He seriously didn’t understand. He wanted to know why I didn’t stay inside. “GO BACK INSIDE” he said. “Go to the bar in the hotel. Get some coffee. Stay there for a while. Then drive home. You know everyone will be going to the bar…”

And he was probably right. But AGAIN..I WAS DRUNK! And I wasn’t thinking.
The dude, went to get something from his car..and I drove the fuck off. That was a drunk ass move on my part. LOL! I did not want to be in that position. I did not know this fucker..he could be on some killer type shit or something. I was not even gonna go there. Any sense that I did have, told me to just go home. AND I DID.

I called sexy man on my way home, I don’t know what for, but he didn’t answer his phone. I don’t understand him…

I called him when I got home, this time from my home phone. I wanted him to know that I was home. He didn’t answer. I left him a message. I have never left him a message before..I tell him, I only leave messages if I have something important to say. I guess this was important.

“Hey. I AM HOME! Yep, I made it home. I am alive. Your.girl.is.ALIVE! Since you were so concerned about my safety, I wanted to let you know I made it. I love you! And I am going to sleep.” I hung up.

I have not heard from him all day today.

Not until today do I realize the magnatude of what happened.
Not until today do I realize that this motherfucker don't care about me.

I am pissed. I am hurt. I don’t know how I feel about him after last night.

How do you do that to SOMEONE? ANYONE?
But especially someone that you care about?

How do you refuse to take a drunk person home—10 minutes—not even out of your way—ON YOUR WAY??

Was he confused about what I was doing or is that just me making excuses for him?
Was that my punishment?

I see it as a big FUCK YOU from sexy man. How is anything that he had to do, more important than my life? MY LIFE?

It is clear to me that I should not have driven home, and I had too much to drink. I take full responsibility for that. But shit happens. And you depend on other people to help you thru shit like this.

I called 5 of my friends. I called Marvin. I KNEW I needed a ride. I ASKED a person, THE ONE PERSON in this world that I would do damn near anything for, to do me 1 fucking favor. To make sure that I get home safe. And he flat out told me NO? He turned his back on me, and I would never, ever do that to him.

That’s some fucked up shit. That’s REAL fucked up.
And I don’t know if I can get past it.

I might have been fucked up--but what he did was more fucked up.

I cried at work

2005-12-05T13:59:00.000-05:00

I hate to cry.

My face gets all streaked, my make-up runs, and my eyes turn green. Yes, green--instead of people asking me "what's wrong?" they say.."why do your eyes look that way?"~ LOL~
I get tired, and just drained.

I don't cry often, because my feelings can't be ever hurt more than they have by baby daddy--nothing compares to that, and I guess I am sort of de-sensitized to emotional pain.
But let me get mad, or frustrated
--with no outlet for those emotions--
and the tears will start spilling.
I am a silent crier. A sniffle here or there--but that's about it.

So Friday, at work--I had enough.
Enough bullshit. Enough stress. Enough complaining. Enough hard work.

As I sat at my desk, my cheeks burned from the hot tears that fell--onto my desk and papers--and I couldn't make them stop.

There was no specific reason for this but there were many reasons.. It was embarrassing--and I was out of control. When they finally stopped, as soon as someone spoke to me, they started again..And again..I think I cried all damn day. It made my head pound more than it already was.

I was fine again--until--
Sexy man calls--"Everything alright?" he wants to know...

"Yeah--fine" my voice starts to crack. I can even talk to him...
"lemme call you back" I tell him.

I get myself together and call him back.
I could barely hear myself speak I was talking so quietly.

I told him that I was having a bad day and left it at that--I appreciate that he knows that I don't play them stupid ass games--that I really didn't want to talk about it. And I didn't. And he knew it.
So he let me be.

I can't do this crying thing ever again..It's just way too much drama.
Especially while I am at work.

Refreshed!

2005-11-21T16:20:00.000-05:00

Ok, so after my rant on Saturday, I relaxed all day yesterday. I started thinking how lucky I am that I was able to take a vacation. A vacation where I didn't have to do SHIT if I didn't want to.

When the boy decided that he was hungry, I pointed him in the direction of the food!
He basically had the run of the ship. Coming and going when and where he pleased. He surprised me, because he was quite the independent traveler by day, and every night he crawled into bed with me and told me how much fun he was having.

He has no idea how lucky he is. He has no idea how much I struggle and sacrifice to take a cruise every year. But one day, he will understand the magnitude of our travels. And he will appreciate it. I know he will.

I decided that I am taking a cruise every year, for the rest of my life. I need it. I need a vacation where I don't have to provide entertainment for him. Where I don't have to worry about driving here or there. Or cooking or even going out to eat.
It was wonderful, and I am ready to cruise to my next destination.

I missed my sexy man..And he missed me too, but I am refreshed.
I feel it, and I look it..and I act it.

I am so glad for vacations.

I hate traveling because...

2005-11-19T23:33:00.000-05:00

I am convinced that people suck. As human beings. I have never encountered so many fucking rude inconsiderate Americans in my life.

On the cruise~Can you act like there are one-thousand-nine-hundred-and-ninety-nine OTHER PEOPLE on the ship besides your ass? You are not the ONLY ONE that wants a drink/a seat/to get by. You are not the only one in this jam packed gift shop. You are not the only person that wants coffee. You are not the only one that wants to get off the boat.
Cigarette smoke bothers you? They why the fuck are you sitting at the smoking bar? Don't wave my smoke and look at me in disgust with your face all twisted up..there are 10 million square feet of non-smoking space on this ship. Go.find.it.

You creep up on me in the dark, scare the shit out of me, kick my fucking drink over, then want to sit beside me and tell me all your problems about your cheating husband, alcoholic and drug abusing children, then wanna pull my fucking card when you see my son? You wanna tell me that "hopefully for his sake, he can pass as Puerto Rican" Well, Fuck you. Why don't you worry about your hair piece wearing, cheating-ass husband? Why don't you worry about your crack-whore daughter? And your 5 time DWI convicted, unemployed, homeless son?
Don't worry about me and mine, honey..you already got your hands full--
I was about 2 seconds from catching an International Charge because of your ass.

On the plane~Why should I have to hear a screaming 3 year old for an entire hour of a 2 hour flight? I am talking about bone chilling screeches. Give the child what the fuck she is crying about. Give her the damn headphones. Give her the fucking pretzels. Let her look at the book. Just shut her the fuck up. There are one-hundred-and- nineteen OTHER people on this small ass plane. There is no reason to start pulling rank and playing discipline games now. This is not the time to have a battle of wills. And with TWO fucking parents right there?
I'll be damned.

At the Airport~Ok, bitch. I am standing in the baggage area. You come up and stand behind me. And then wanna get all gully when I pick my~ big ass ~ heavy ass ~bag off the conveyor belt and wanna put it on the floor. Why you gotta be a smart ass, talking about "EX. CUZZZZZE. ME!"??? because you missed your bag going by?
No. Fuck you. Don't fucking enunciate your frustrated words at me..you are mad at me..be-ca-use...what?
We are here for the same reason. TO GET OUR FUCKING LUGGAGE!
So..is yours more important than mine? OK..MAYBE TO YOU IT IS..then why the fuck are you standing behind me? GO the fuck where there is room for your ass to be in the front! Dumbass.

AND..it is cold as a mother in Maryland...brrrrrrr. I wonder how long it will take me to get acclimated to the coldness after being in Florida and the Caribbean? Not long, I hope. I all the sudden hate cold weather.

Ok. Now that I got that out of the way...cruise details coming soon.

The Boy and I...

2005-11-11T20:00:00.000-05:00

are headed out!

We are leaving tonight, flying to Orlando and staying the night there. We are then cruising to Nassau Bahamas, St. Thomas USVI and St. Maarten in the Netherlands.

I hope everyone stays safe..I will catch up when I get back!

Ms. Tee! Sexy man is taking me to the airport ~grin~
I will email you when I get back..
BEHAVE while I am gone..and blog your ass off, so I have some good reading when I get back.

Holla at your girl!

Afraid of Craig

2005-11-10T12:21:00.000-05:00

I was outside smoking a 'port the other night, and a car pulls up infront of my apartment building. I was standing in the breezeway with my ass leaning against my door. It was sometime after 11pm. The car sits there for a minute, and the door opens. A white guy gets out and starts walking towards my building. Towards me.

I can spot the po-po a mile away. I wondered what the fuck I done did this time. Since this is not the first time they have been to my apartment, I did a quick inventory. The first thing I thought of was the boy. He was asleep, so it probably didn't have anything to do with him. Before I could finish thinking, he was standing in front of me. The bling around his neck confirmed he was, in fact, the po-po. A Detective, to be more specific. He had some papers in his hand.

"Good Evening, Ma'am" he says, as I am about to hit my smoke.
My attitude automatically defaults to thug mode.

"Wassup" I said. read: what the fuck do you want?
I was surprised at how ghetto and defensive I sounded.

"Do you live here?" was his first question.

"mmmm hmmmm." I said.

"Well, does this person live here?" he was showing me a picture. It looked like a print screen of a web page. The picture was a mug-shot. Of a dude. He looked like a fucking criminal.

I looked at the picture. "No" I said.

He looked at me as if I was not telling the truth. I looked back at him, as if to say whut?
"Do you know him?" was his next question

"What did he do?" I wanna know.

It seems that "Craig" is a sex offender. A violent one. He has been convicted of second degree rape. He informed the sex offender registry unit that he recently moved.
Into my motherfucking building. Fuck that.

Well, guess what? Craig ain't staying here. Craig got.ta.go. Craig ain't gonna be creeping up on me at night. Craig ain't even gonna look twice at my child. And bettanot never say shit to him.
I will kill motherfucking Craig. I got no love for a rapist. Fuck Craig.

I told the officer basically the same thing...as he was walking away I sarcastically said..
"Don't be surprised if you nevah find his ass.."
He knew what I was implying.

I lit another smoke and leaned against my door. What the fuck? There are so many hard-working single mothers in my neighborhood. How does this happen? What are we going to do? This is not fair to us, or our children.
I am scared. Again.

I don't want to live in the same neighborhood as a criminal. As a rapist.
I know what is ass looks like. His face is etched in my brain.
He is scary. And I am afraid of him.--and Craig ain't stayin' here.

PLAY LOTTO, bitch. Don't play ME!

2005-11-07T18:11:00.000-05:00

"The Other One" and I are done. D.O.N.E-done.

This is some shit--

Friday evening, 'The Other' calls. He wants to know what I am doing, and if I have plans to go out.
I tell him no and that I dont really want any company so in true 'Other' form he decides to come hang out.
I had a long, busy week. I was really not up for any company. I was tired and cranky and not feeling all that great. He knew this, but decided to try his luck anyway. Big Mistake.

There are 2 times when fucking with me are not a good choice. The first, being when I am in the middle of a crisis..(LOL!) the second, when I don't feel well. But that is another post for another time.

So, he comes over and decides that it would be a great idea to "smoke" --yes-- as in blaze-- in my motherfuckin bathroom...that shit had me heated. The boy was at his friends house--but I don't give a FUCK. Don't be smokin weed in my motherfuckin crib. I told him about himself QUICK. He almost got put out then. But I'm a sucka sometimes!

The boy comes home and falls asleep. I am laying in bed watching TV..'the other' is also laying in my bed--I guess I fell asleep--because I woke up because I heard voices--a woman voice. I realized quickly that it was one of my girlfriends...she always pops over--almost every night..we talk, smoke and drink coffee. I heard her talking, and I smelled something cooking.

'The Other' is a pretty good cook--he be cooking shit all night sometimes--so I figured that he was in the kitchen cooking something..and he would bring me some when he was done.
It musta been around 10:30 ish.

So. IMAGE MY SURPRISE when I open my eyes, and I see my girlfriend laying down next to me, and 'other one' giving her a massage. As in back rub. As in he was fucking touching her.
While I was right.the.fuck.there.--sleeping.

Imagine me sitting up in bed and looking at them like they were fucking crazy. Or better yet, imagine me looking at them like I was crazy.
My girlfriend immediately started to flip the script. "Why are you touching me?" She yells
"Don't touch me, ---you know I don't like to be touched..." Yeah.right.

She has been telling us this bullshit line for years..she does not like to be touched. She says it every day. But apparenly that is not the case. Clearly, she likes to be touched..by someone that is fucking one of her friends.

I just looked at them both. LOL! I don't know why I didn't flip the fuck out. Something in me just wouldn't let me. I think it's because I knew at that moment, that I was done with both of them. I had no words for either of them. I laid back down and said nothing. Sometimes I think that is more effective than acting a fool.
She left shortly after that, and this other motherfucker decides he is gonna get undressed and get in bed with me. I turn my back to him and he touches my arm.

"Don't fucking touch me" I snarl at him.
Has this bitch lost his mind?

Okay. And he comes out of his mouth that I am "jealous".
That's your theory, motherfucker? That I am jealous? okay.

Now, this takes me back to what I have been telling this fucker for the last few months.
That this girl has fucking issues. That she thinks (apparently with good reason) that 'the other' wants to get with her. Although I don't believe that this is (was) true, she is one of those bitches that will test a sista. Don't fucking test me bitch.

And not only that, that motherfucker and cruddy bitch cooked STEAKS out of my freezer.
Fuckers.

I don't understand him.

2005-11-07T10:34:00.000-05:00

I don’t understand people. I don’t understand men. I don’t understand him.

He, a long time ago, was supposed to go to Las Vegas. For a softball tournament.
He had an issue with one of the people that he was supposed to go with, and decided that he was not going.

Fuck it, I remember him saying. . I agreed with him...
This was 3 months ago

“Don’t go..” I said. Not for any other reason than being supportive of his decision, and based on the reasons that he gave, and the potential for drama.
I don’t care what he does. He would go no matter what I said anyway. I thought for a minute that he would change his mind. But then again, knowing him, mind changing is not usually an option.

So tell me why..WHY does an “acquaintance” of ours and I mean acquaintance – come to my desk and tell me how she loved the pictures from his Vegas trip the he emailed her..

HUH? WHAT?? What VEGAS TRIP!?!

I smile and play it off..I don’t want her to know that I have no idea what the fuck she is talking about. So, I start thinking about when this trip could have been…

He didn’t really have too many words for me the week prior…He left early on Thursday, and didn’t come in Friday. I knew nothing of these days off…which usually, I know when he won’t be at work, and where he will be. But he called me Friday night..he told me he was headed down the strip to get something to eat. (Did he mean the VEGAS STRIP? LOL!!) He never mentioned that he was out of town.

I talked to him a few times on Saturday. I asked him if he was home, and he said no. But he never said he was in fucking VEGAS either. Me not being one that asks a lot of questions, I just kept it moving. I talked to him Sunday, and he told me that he would not be at work Monday...I swear, I thought nothing of all this..just a stressed out man trying to get some R&R and perhaps take care of some personal shit. It is not even that serious.
BUT WHY LIE BY OMISSION??

Yeah, Yeah, Not really any of my business…I know that…but when I asked him why he didn’t send me pictures of his “trip” he got pissed off…

I don’t think I will ever understand him. Never.

How Can I Ease the Pain?

2005-11-04T14:41:00.000-05:00

All alone
on my knees I pray
For the strength
to stay away
In and out,
out and in you go
I feel your fire,
then I lose my self control
How can I ease the pain
When I know you're comin' back again
How can I ease the pain in my heart
~Lisa Fischer

This basically says it all.

So, I am leaving for my trip next Friday. Just me. and the boy.

I ask him to take us to the airport. He said he will. He will keep my car while I am gone.
While on the phone with him, I am just a giggling. I feel our connection once again. I don't always. Sometimes it's missing. It can't be found. I hate days like that. Sometimes it lasts for weeks. But today it is here, and I feel good about it. I talk to him for about a half-hour.
I am funny as hell. So is he. We both know this.

This evening, I heard him on the phone. He was talking to a friend of his. I heard him mention that he was going somewhere..something about her family-something. Her being another woman. He said her name. I have heard about her before. I don't think he knows that I know her name. But I do. I thought it was over with them. Okay. For no real reason, other than I wanted it to be over with them. He never mentioned her before I found out about her (back in April) so I wanted to believe that the absence of him talking about her now meant that she didn't exist.

Clearly she does.

"Am I in trouble?"

2005-11-03T13:10:00.000-05:00

The boy. Jesus. How can you be mad at someone that acts just like you?

The boy and his friends were outside playing. When I got home from work, I decided to take a power nap. Usually, I do this on the couch, but somehow ended up in my bed. I like to stay on the couch so I can hear who is coming in and out of my front door. Well, I was knocked the fuck out, because I missed the drama. The boy's drama. ~SMDH~ He get it from his mama!

My phone rang, and woke me up. It was only about 6:30. It was my girlfriend (who watches some of the neighborhood kids after school, until their parents get home. She has the boy, her son (the boys best friend) and 2 other kids. Alexis and Brandon. The boy and his friend are 10. Alexis and Brandon are 7..but you would never know it. The boy and his friend are small for their age. The other 2 are the same size as them, so it's hard to remember they are only 7 in the mind. I think the boy and his little friend forget that sometimes, too.

Anyway, My girlfriend wants to know what is going on...that Brandon came to her house crying hysterically saying that the boy did something to him.
I hear the boy in his room. I ask him who was with him, and he told me he was alone.

I hang up with her and tell the boy to come here so that I can find out what went down.

Here is how he explained it to me:

"I was outside, and we were all playing football. Brandon told me that I sucked at football. When I threw the ball, he wouldn't throw it back. He told me that I suck at catching and I can't throw. I was like...whatever, and I came in the house by myself. "

He editorializes: I don't need him to tell me that I am bad at football. I am better than him..so I figured since he is so good at football, he can play by himself. That's why I came inside.

He continues: "I was in my room playing my game (video game) and Brandon knocked at the door and asked if he could come in. I let him in, and he started running his mouth again. I told him to stop being so nasty, and he said he didn't have to. He said he can say whatever he wants. I told him to GET OUT OF MY HOUSE. Brandon said .."You can't make me"...(the boy gave me the look..the i-can't-believe-that-you-just-said-that-look...the one I give him sometimes....)
so I pushed him out of my room, and to the front door. I opened the front door and pushed him out and I locked the door behind him..."

He editorializes again: How is someone gonna talk nasty to you in your own house? I.DON'T.THINK.SO...

*he pauses* ..."Am I in trouble?"

Ya know.. I just can't be mad at that.

Just where I want to be

2005-11-02T10:28:00.000-05:00

Last night, I fell asleep early. Before 10pm.
This Daylight Savings Time crap got a sista messed up!

I heard the unfamiliar ring of my cell. I just recently changed some of my ringers and when the phone rang, along with me being half asleep, I was like.. what the fuck is that?
Oh. Once I realized what it was. I knew.
I knew it was him.

I answered. He could tell I was sleeping. I told him to come over. He told me he would call me later. I figured that he wouldn't. (He does that sometimes).
But he did. And he came over. I made him a drink while he took a shower. I think we said all of 10 words to each other. And I am okay with that. I asked him if he wanted lotion.
mmmhmmm. He said.

But he never reached to take it from me.
That's okay. I got this.

I lotioned his chest. His arms. His back. Him.
Just watching my hands moving over his chocolate body made me moan out loud.

Laying next to his naked body.
Legs wrapped all around him.
My head in the nook of where his arm meets his body.
His arm around me and his hand resting on my ass.
Him smelling so, so good.
His methodical breathing.
Him. almost asleep.
I sigh.
This is just where I want to be.

Keep it Movin....

2005-10-28T18:58:00.000-04:00

Last week, I called one of my ex-menfriends.
He had been instant messaging me for a week.
He had no other way of contacting me. I was curious, so I called him.
Now all the sudden he wants to get married.
Ummmmm.
to me.

It's crazy. 5 years ago, I wudda married him in a minute. In fact, I had visions of our wedding.
Of us. Of a family with him.
But things went terribly wrong. I took a step back and looked at my situation with him.
It was not what I wanted. I loved him hard and fast. I fell out of love the same way.

Many denials. His.
Many nasty words. Mine.
Many tears. Mine.
When all was said and done, I hated him.
As much, if not more than I ever loved him.

I don't understand what makes him think that I could ever feel the same way about him...
why would he think that is a possibility. I don't even think I like him as a person. And if he got to know me...the real me... he would not like me either. I am trying to make him see that. I am trying to help him understand that I am not the same person that he dated. The person that he dated was not even me. I changed my thought process when we were together.
I changed who I was.

We started dating right after baby daddy.
He was a breath of fresh air for me.

Because...
I was tired of fighting.
Tired of everything being an issue.
Tired of being by myself.

So I became this person...
This person that would do anything for him.
This person that never complained.
This person that would put up with anything.

I stopped smoking. I stopped drinking.
I stopped cursing. I stopped acting a fool.
All the things that make me who I am.

When we spoke, he mentioned getting together..
I told him that he would never like or accept the person that I am.
What I do is everything that he hates. Who I am is everything that he despises.

I do smoke. I do drink. I do curse. I do act a fool.
And I fuck. And that's just what I do.

He is not ready for the person that I am. That I will always be.
He could never love me. Not ever like I would need him to.
Not then. Not now. Not ever.

I hate how I feel about him

2005-10-25T12:59:00.000-04:00

I have a big attitude problem today.

And I got it from him.

I am starting to react to the way that he treats me sometimes.
He ignores my calls. He ignores me. He just don't seem to like me.
That hurts me.

And I hate the way that I feel about him.
I hate that I love him, but I hate even more that I hate him sometimes.

The specifics of his moody-ass are unimportant. The fact is..he is moody.
That is really just him. And I know this. It's just his character defect.

Fuck it. Atleast I dont have to buy a new bed.

Now. I just have to get over him. For good.

It's all about the bed

2005-10-24T11:25:00.000-04:00

I was walking out of work the other night. My cell rings...

"Hey..where you at?..." he asks.

"Just leaving work...where you at?..." I reply.

"Just leaving work..." he says.

"What are your plans for tonight?..." I want to know.

"Going home..then I gotta go make a run..." he says, Not being secretive at all.
I know where he is going.

"...and then to my house?..." I chuckle.
He does too.

"ummmmm. maybe. It depends on what time I get back on this end..
it might be late...and I'm tired!"

"That's okay..you can go to sleep when you get to my house..." I laugh out loud at my self, knowing that's just bullshit.

He also laughs.
Then he says the part that hurts my feelings. Kind of.

"I don't get any sleep at your house, baby...."

Me: "Huh?" "Why not?"

I half laugh. because I don't get any sleep when he is at my house. I sleep all up on and under him. He moves a lot. A LOT! Constantly. Everytime he moves, I wake up, too. I usually rub his body and he falls back asleep, and so do I. But in the morning, I feel like I didn't sleep at all.
So, I know what he is talking about.

"First off..you be waking a brutha up at 4 in the morning...that's the first thing.."
We both laugh.

"And your bed. That waterbed. It's uncomfortable. I toss and turn all night..I hate it!"
"...but that's another story, for another time, I guess..."

This is not the first time that I have heard this. Someone talking shit about my bed. Some people have a hard time with it. I love my bed. It's warm, and comfy. Not the best for sex..but it's something that you get used to. I have had various waterbeds, and for the last 20 or so years, that's all I've ever owned. I have the aquired taste needed. Not everyone does.

But damn..is it that serious? I have never been in that position, not being comfortable in someone else's bed. Is that something that would make someone not want to come sleep with me a few nights a week?

The Waterbed.
Is my bed the reason that I don't have a man? LOL! Maybe. But "the other one" never complains. He is in my bed a lot! and never once has he talked shit about it.
I know that you gotta have a flava for a waterbed. They are not for everyone. And maybe I am ready to move on from that. I have been looking for a new bed. I think I have found what I want. It's right here!
I hope he's ready for it! No excuses after that.

My feelings are still hurt. Damn.

Is she black?

2005-10-14T21:49:00.000-04:00

Ok.

My writing style cracks me up. When I write, it tends to sound exactly how I talk.
In the situation that I am in. At that time.
Which most of the time is me acting a fool. I use a lot of slang..A LOT of it!
I am not confused. Really.

So tell me why. Why. Why I was looking at the "who links to me" links today, someone nominated me for an award. I cracked the fuck up.
A Black Weblog Award. ~~Go see..I am there~ in black and white!

Did I miss something? LOL!
Fill me in, if I did.

~I love ya'all!~

Ya ain't gotta go home.....

2005-10-11T15:13:00.000-04:00

I played softball with my friend Marvin last night. Sexy man was there, playing on another field. After our game, I walked over to where Sexy Man was playing. He walked over to where I was standing. As hard as it was, I barely looked up. I pretended to be interested in the game. I shot him a quick sideways glance, never turning my head to look at him. I looked back at the field.

I'm a bitch.

This is kind of the way things have been going lately, with us. Well, not really...mostly because I have not really seen much of him. He has a lot of crap going on at work, and it is really stressing him out. He is grumpy. Most of the time. Almost All of the time. Even to me. I try not to take it personally. It's hard. I have nothing to do with his work issues. I try to understand.

He pisses me off.

So after his game was over, me, him, and the boy are walking to our cars. The boy gets in the car and starts playing his game. He knows I will be a minute.
Sexy man and I are talking about the game. He is telling me about work. No wonder he is so stressed. And nasty. He has a lot of responsibility. He is held responsible for things that are not his fault. It's frustrating.

Fuck that.

He strips in the parking lot. Only I can see him. I raise my eyebrow. He changes into basketball shorts. It's 9 pm and he tells me he is playing a game of basketball. I hand him the rest of my Gatorade. He just takes it. I laugh. It trips me out how we communicate. Body language, and facial expressions. He tells me he has to go. I tell him to call me when he is done...he knows what I mean.. I mean "come over when you are done" He hugs up on me.
He rolls out.

Damn. I can't stay mad at him.

When I get home, I get in the shower. Marvin and the other guys on the team roughed up your girl. I am in pain. My legs hurt. Maybe my back too. Or is it my neck. They worked me over.
And they laugh about it. They think that shit is funny. Marvin especially. He plays short stop or third. I play first base. I tell him not to treat me like a punk. I can play some softball. And it took him a minute to realize that. But damn.

My body aches.

I take a long, hot shower. The boy is watching cartoons. In the shower I hear the phone ringing..again and again. And Again. Jesus Christ..What the fuck? WHO DOES THIS? Who rings someone's phone like that? I feel like getting out of the shower just to act a fool.
The boy never answers the phone. He doesn't give a damn about who is calling.
He wants no part of the drama on the other end.

The boy is hilarious.

When I get out of the shower, I look at the caller ID. No big surprise. It's the other one. And I assume that he wants to come over. I think for a minute. And I decide that I would rather sleep alone than with him tonight. "The other one" is too much work. Too much drama sometimes. I was tired, and I wanted someone that understands my need to chill..
And besides..in my craziness, I feel like my sexy man is coming over. I just have that feeling. It gives me a chill. He smells so good. Not cologne good. Not soap good. Just good. I love sleeping with him-- he lets me do whatever I want. He lets me lay all over him, all underneath him. He don't care.

And I love it!

I get out of the shower and get dressed. Sweats and a t-shirt.
I lay across my bed and call sexy man. Voice mail. Shit. I guess he is still playing basketball.
It's only 10..so..yeah, probably still playing ball.
My girlfriend comes over, and makes some coffee.
I hear a knock at the door. Who the HELL?
I open the door. There stands "the other one" ...
"Oh, you can't answer your phone"...I ignore him. Whatever motherfucker.
He rode his motorcycle over. He wants to take my girlfriend for a ride..He is all up in her grill.
I guess he wanted me to act a fool. But we all know that's not an option.

Idiot.

So, he is hanging out and talking to my girlfriend. This bitch is grinnin all up in his face. Whatever. I didn't invite his ass over anyway. Sexy man calls. He says he wants to come by. He said he is tired. He said that he has been in a bad mood. (no shit!) But he is pretty sure that if he comes over, I can make him feel better. He should be 'round my way in 15 minutes.

Ummm. did anyone forget that "the other one" is still here?

"Ok..ya'all gotta get the fuck out!" I said to him and my girlfriend pointing to the door.
"Ya ain't gotta go home, but ya gotta get the fuck up outta here!"

LMAO! I am such a bitch.

Paralyzed By Fear-and-my 6th Sense again--

2005-09-28T11:32:00.000-04:00

So, I had other crap to talk about~~ but something happened last night that scared the hell outta me.

Several of us (and the kids, too) went to Marvin's and Sexy man's softball game last night..The game lasted until 10ish and we got home @ 10:30. We all went to my place for coffee, and a smoke.

One of my girlfriends, KJ, remembered that she had somewhere to be early in the morning, and forgot the paperwork to know where to go. She is in the Army, and stationed at the base nearby, so she went home, changed into her jammies, and rode up to the base.

My other girlfriend and I went outside to smoke. We saw KJ ride by a few minutes later.
Well, sexy man was gonna come by, so I went inside to get the boy situated and in bed.
About 10 minutes later, my other friend, MK called. She told me that she had the boy's backpack at her house, and there was important stuff in his folder. School pictures were being taken (the next day) and that she would "meet me half-way"...if I wanted to come get it.

"No"..I said quickly..So quickly, It made us both laugh.

"Why???" she wondered..

"I dunno...." I said. "I feel creeped out..." "I don't wanna be outside..." "I'll get it tomorrow..."
She chuckled and said.."You're Weird!"

I.SWEAR.TO.GOD. not 10 minutes later, While talking to MK on the phone, I hear someone pounding on her door like a MAD PERSON.

It was our friend KJ. She was crying, screaming, and trying to talk all at the same time. I heard her say something about a GUN. MK told me she would call me back.

I went and locked all my doors, and made sure the windows were closed and locked. I checked the patio door. I went in my room. Got my .38, went to the kitchen, counted out 6 bullets. and loaded that bitch up. I called Marvin and told him I was afraid. That I didn't know what was going on, but I was scared. He told me he would come over. I told him no. That I was scared for him too.

MK called me back and told me that KJ had been robbed at gunpoint. They put a fucking gun to my girl's head. They told her to drop her purse or they would blow her fucking head off. She did. And they didnt hurt her. They were young. They had on masks. They had a gun. They were scary. They called each other "Dawg". They laughed.
She had 2 dollars. TWO FUCKING DOLLARS.

I called sexy man and told him not to come around..I don't want anything happening to him. STAY HOME, I told him.

So, I need a smoke, but afraid to go near the door or windows. I sat on my couch, with the boy. He was asleep. I was scared. Paralyzed. I couldn't think. What if...

What if they shoot out my patio door?
What if they kick my door in?
What if they....

I sat on the couch, loaded gun in hand. I was on "watch"....no punk ass thieving ass motherfucker is coming up in here...

I think I fell asleep around 3 am. I woke up this morning, not so scared. But I will be scared all over tonight, and the next night, and the next.

On my way to work, I started thinking..what if that had been me? I wudda dropped my purse in a heartbeat, too. Fuck that. Take the shit. But what if I had the boy with me..and something like that happened? What would he do?

Should he run, and possibly get shot, shot at, or chased and hurt?
Should he stay by my side? And endure what I have to?
Should he listen to the people trying to rob or hurt us? Or should he listen to his mother?

He probably wouldn't do anything, unless I told him to.
He too, would be afraid.
We can't live that way.
My friend is okay, thank God. But this will affect her for the rest of her life.
Untrusting. Afraid. Paralyzed.
By Fear.

The Drama that Wasn't

2005-09-22T11:53:00.000-04:00

I knew it would happen sooner or later. The dog that I am. It was inevitable.

I just wish it was later than sooner. It was unexpected, and I was unprepared.

My two men. crossing paths. Fuck.

There have been instances where there was a small possibility that it would happen. But it never did. And lucky for me, it didn't happen last night. But ALMOST. And jeez..I was a mess.

You think I would have taken it easy after I was almost exposed on Monday. Of all places, at my friend Marvin's. I have mentioned before that Marvin and "the other one" are "boys".
I met "the other one" thru Marvin.

Sexy man..and Marvin..well, not really "boys" in that sense, I introduced them and they have had their male bonding...they are straight...

Sexy man..well, you know what's going on after the whole hit in the head thing..He has been hanging out on the regular. (LOL)

So, Marvin is a Dallas fan. We are basically in Redskin territory. Well technically Redskin/Raven territory..but whatever. So Marvin has a "party" at his place on Monday, for the game. And I invited Sexy Man. I told Marvin that I was inviting him..and he was like..a'ight.
It was a small gathering..just the crew from the hood.

I am sitting on the couch watching the game, and I hear the door open and shut.
*Silence* everyone that was talking..just stopped. I looked up, and there was "the other one"
coming to hang out and watch the game. Marvin and I looked at each other like WTF? "the other one" went in the other room and everyone just stared at me. It was the whole "what the fuck are you gonna do" scene. I just shrugged my shoulders. What could I do? Marvin asked me if sexy man was coming, and at that point, I didn't know. He ended up not coming..tired from his trip and flight.

So last night..Sexy man and I had definitive plans for a sleepover. He had to work late and run some errands..I was expecting him late..but I was expecting him. Around 11:15pm.."the other one" started calling. and calling. and calling. This fool even called my cell, which he never does..he didn't leave a message, he just kept ringing the fucking phone over and over. It made me uncomfortable, and edgy. And pissed. I was certain, that his ass would just show up. All my common sense left my brain, because I couldn't think..I had no idea what to do. I felt like a prisoner in my own damn crib. *smdh*

About 15 minutes pass, and he starts calling again. and again. and again. He finally leaves a cryptic message, saying that he needs to "talk to me about something..it's important. CALL ME BACK." Okay player. damn. Bullshit. but okay. I call him. He wants to come over. Fuck.
"Nah, baby. Not tonight." I tell him. He tells me he is coming anyway. He hangs up the phone.

SHIT! He WILL come. I started to panic. I can't have this crap! I think for a few minutes..and then work it only like I can.

FukkIT! let'em come! Let'em both come. Let both of them get their feelings hurt. Let them fight about it. Let them figure it out. I can not control what others do. I can't.

So, I get up, unlock the door. And wait. I wait to see who the first one thru the door is. LOL! What else can I do? I ain't no motherfuckin' punk. It has to work itself out on it's own.
Don't get it twisted--this is MY shit! It has my name all over it. But there is nothing that I can do with a hard-headed CAUGHT UP fool.

I laid on my bed. And closed my eyes. And crossed my fingers. And waited.

"Baby.." I hear him say.

I feel a chill run down to my toes.
I sigh.
It's my sexy man.
Thank God.
Oh, did I mention...that I love him?

Broken Soul?

2005-09-19T22:50:00.000-04:00

Damn. I guess this explains it. Who wudda ever known?
Your soul is broken.
You are living through a lot of pain everyday
that you have to deal with, which is making you
sorrowful. No one ever stays by your side when
you truly need them and no one ever will.
Everything is hopeless and tragic and you keep
yearning for the day you will be free from
pain. Love is unlikely to happen to you because
you isolate yourself and are suspicious of
peoples motives. You stand in the shadows of
the world, watching what you can never have.
The bruises you carry never seems to heal, your
mind is dark and no one seems to understand or
wants to help. As always, you will be alone in
the world, fighting your dark thoughts by
yourself.

How is your soul?

I hope it is better than mine. How very sad this is.
To think..my soul is broken. I guess I'm not really
all that shocked.

A softer side to my sexy man?

2005-09-17T00:20:00.000-04:00

Sheeeeeeeeeeeessss Baaaaaaaaaaa ack!

Labor Day Weekend..Sexy man was away playing in a softball tournament. In another state. After the long weekend, and him being away, I looked forward to see his smiling grill on Tuesday.

But it didn't quite work out that way..instead..I didn't see him at all.

I called him on his cell..no sexy man. I peeked my head in where his office is..door shut. light off. no sexy man to be found. What the fuck? Sexy man never takes the day off..not without telling me.

I went to my friend Marvin's softball game Tuesday night. I didn't take my cell phone with me, so that I could watch the game in peace. I love watching sweaty men play ball..it's just so damn sexy! When I get home, sexy man had called..not once, but 3 times. What the hell? Damn. I guess he needs to talk about something. I lay across the couch and get ready to call him. I can't dial fast enough, I guess..because I hear that familiar ring.."baby turn around and let me see that sexy body go bump. bump. bump." LOL! I answer.

"What are you doing.." he says, more like a statement than a question.

"Laying on the couch", I say.."what are YOU doing?"

"Laying on the couch" he says. We both laugh.

"Are you sick.." I say. also more like a statement than a question.

"Noooooooo" he says

"Are you hurt"? I say..and chuckle. Thinking that he's not.

Silence.

"ARE YOU?" I ask with concern..I sit up on the couch.

"WHAT HAPPENED?" I say. because I know the answer already. He is hurt.

It seems that sexy man got hit by a speeding softball. right. in. his. face.

He tells me that he is okay. Alive. In pain. Jacked up.
I want him to come get in bed with me. I want to make him feel better.

He won't come, he says, because his face is fucked up.
I tell him that I don't care about his face.

"You don't?" he says...and I really don't.
And at that moment, things changed.

He didn't come over. But I saw him the next day. and later that night.

He is different.
Different towards me.
He seems to have a "thing" for me.
He is not so edgy.
Not so rough when he talks to me.
But that is him.
That edginess and roughness is who he is.
I love that about him.
But I also am glad that I have seen the softer more gentler sexy man.

If I knew that alls he needed was to be bashed in the head to act right, I would have done it long ago.

Can you say Punk Rock Concert?

2005-08-31T12:17:00.000-04:00

Lord, the things we do for our children.

Yesterday. In intermittent rain showers, I found myself sitting..or should I say STANDING for 4 damn hours at a Punk Rock concert. With the boy.

My mother (on my advice) got the boy tickets to the "Green Day" concert that was coming to our local music venue. If you have never heard of them, they won several awards at the VMA's this past weekend. Did I mention that they were Punk Rock? LOL!
Actually, I was quite amused at the concert. I even found the singer quite sexy!
I caught a drift of the smell of refer (is that a DC term? if it is..then I am talking about weed)
every now and then.

Sexy Man tells me that I should be ashamed, taking the boy to such an event, but there were more kids there than adults. It really was a good show.

The boy..well, he was amazed. This was his first concert, and he had a great time. He musta kissed me like 20 times. Between songs.

The concert was outdoors. There are no seats. My feet hurt. My neck hurts. My body aches.
I couldn't wait to get home and get in bed. I think I fell asleep walking thru the front door.
I almost made a massage appointment for my lunch hour. I need it.

Never again...well, maybe for the boy.

The House of Death

2005-08-30T12:25:00.000-04:00

The House of Death strikes again, this time claiming the life of "Stuart" aka "Polo" the hamster.
I am unsure how old he was, but we only had him for about a year. I wanted to name him Stuart, after Stuart Little. The boy wanted to name him Polo--as in Ralph Lauren. He already had a hampster named Polo--We shudda named him Houdinii. He escaped several times, and almost met fate early on..but we found him each time, and finally secured his cage, so that he could not get out anymore. He walked on his squeaky wheel every night for hours.
He drove me insane.

The boy cried like a baby. He was so upset. He cried like 5 different times.
But said nothing. He is just like his mama, I swear.

So, I told him, that I didn't think we were getting any more hamsters, exotic birds, or anything for that matter. The only other living thing we have is "Courage" the cowardly African Dwarf Frog...He is cute enough..but I'm sure he won't be around much longer either. Animals just do not survive under my care. My girlfriends now call my apartment, The House of Death.

The other animals that have met their untimely demise?

Judas--the cocka(something) bird. Cockatoo? Cockatiel? Whatever kind of bird he was, he was mean and nasty --hence the name, Judas--I think they typically live to be 60 something. I think Judas was probably 2 or 3 years old. Tragic! The boy cried for like 2 weeks when Judas died. I told him..Your crying over a bird that used to bite the shit out of you..but he didn't care.
Actually, I think Judas might have died from a cocaine overdose. It's a long story, and although I never told anyone that..I'm glad there was no autopsy. Your girl would be in the 'clink' doing hard time for..I dunno what charge..but something drug and death related.

Courage--This was the 'first' Courage. We had him for about 2 years. He got sick..What do you do? He cost like 3 bucks. The boy cried over him , too. But I just went to the pet store and got another one. The boy is so original. He named the new one Courage as well. Whatever. Courage received a proper toilet flush burial.

Courage II is hanging on for now..

Howl At the Moon

2005-08-29T14:30:00.000-04:00

Ummm. yeah.

I know..I know..I KNOW that I am gonna hear some shit behind this.

I know who is calling, but I answer anyway.
He is at work today, and wants to come by.
Without even thinking, I said "no"
I know what will happen to me.
I know what will go down.
I know how I will feel.
My body won't be the only thing twisted up. My mind will be, too.
We talked a while. I miss him. I miss a lot of things about him
He is bad for me. I know this. He knows this.
He lets me explain my feelings. He understands.
He does not want to hear what I am saying, but he listens anyway.
Before I know it, I am telling him to come over.
I can't stand it anymore. I need him in my presence.
I need him in my bed. I need to feel like only he can make me feel.

It's The Big Bad Wolf

Need I say more?
I'm sorry.
I let myself feed straight into the temptation that I know so well.

He is still sexy. He still smells wonderful.
He still kisses me everywhere. And licks my toes.
He still makes me crazy.
He still knows what to say. He still sings to me.
And Wolf can still make a sista howl at the moon.

Damn them fucking camp counselors--when are they gonna learn?

2005-08-26T13:19:00.000-04:00

So..I take the boys (THE BOY and his L'il FRIEND)
to the gas station the other night to get some snacks.

I say..SO..How is camp going.

And the boy says...

Mom. I hate this camp. One of the counselors pulled me across the basketball court by.my.hair.

I take a deep breath. Ok..so let me get this straight. One of the counselors decided that it was okay to pull you by your hair?

Ummm. yeah.

Aw.hell.no.

So I get up yesterday morning, and do what any mother should do when some punk ass motherfucking camp counselor pulls their childs hair.
I wait till camp starts, and I go up there and I tell the boy to point out the counselor so I can fuck him up.

The boy points the "boy" out. LMAO. Did I mention this was basketball camp? The "boy" was about 17 years old and about 7 foot 12. That's aight. I will still fuck you up.

I get the camp director..who BTW was sexy as hell! And the 4 of us go to the corner of the gym.

I then say: At WHAT point did you THINK it was OKAY to pull the BOY by his HAIR?

And the counselor said and I swear, I couldn't make this shit up if I tried..he SAID:
Well, HE didn't SAY that it HURT!

I just looked at him like...WWwwhut? What the fuck did you just say?

He must have realized how stupid what he just said sounded. He then said:

I apologize.

I told him, that he needed to tell that to the boy.

And he apologized to the boy. He was very respectful, actually. suprisingly. for his sake.

I think he was really sorry. I don't know if he really didn't mean to hurt the boy's tender head..or if he realized that he embarrassed the boy, or he was afraid I was gonna bitch slap him.

As I was leaving, I said: Don't make me come up this bitch again..cuz next time it ain't gonna be like this..
he looked at me like I was crazy.

Maybe I am.

The "Pimp" Package has been delivered!

2005-08-24T11:39:00.000-04:00

LMAO!! The "PIMP" Package is complete. Thanks for your suggestions... I didn't have access to all the things..but added some dumb shit anyway!

I ended up adding:

A mini Magic 8 ball--with instructions that said.."Do not make any major decisions without consulting first"

A Little Debbie Oatmeal Pie

A Quiznos Coupon--valid only in Maryland

A list of tattoo shops in Florida

A list of bail bondsmen in Miami

A picture of the boy and his l'il friend
in the Scooby Doo Mystery Machine (taken at Kings Dominion)

A list of gay clubs in Miami

one of my hair clips--cuz he always takes them out of my hair and throws them

and Some Mardi Gras Beads..

And he is still in Maryland...I think his flight was cancelled due to Miami weather.

But he should be pimpin' by Sunday. We shall see.

Is 8 hours of pleasure worth 2 days of pain?

2005-08-24T11:12:00.000-04:00

I'm not really sure.

So, last night--I had a overnight visitor. MmmmmHmmmm.

He left this morning--I guess we have upgraded to all-nighters.

Needless to say, I am tired. And I am sure he is too.

But why the evil glares first thing in the morning?
Perhaps--this is my imagination--Am I just looking at this from the
wrong perspective? Am I seeing something that is not really there?

Or does this man want to reach out and choke the shit out of me like his
face tells me he does.

It is like this each and everytime he comes to my house. Not when we hang out--let's say,
at a bar, but when it is just me.and.him. It takes him about 2 days to start being himself.
He is not nasty--it's almost like he's just embarrased. And that everyone will see right thru him.
I never think as I snuggle up to him all night what the next day will bring.

A Care Package for Sexy Man!

2005-08-22T23:27:00.000-04:00

Okay, so..since sexy man is heading out to Miami this Thursday, I thought it would be cute to make him a care package. I don't want to make it too elaborate, cuz he won't take it with him..

Just a few things to make him laugh, and be safe on his trip.

I have a few things..but I need some help! I want things to be self-explanatory and needed..not for him to look at something and wonder..what the hell did she send this for? LOL

It's not that I am encouraging him to get into trouble, or misbehave--I am just letting him know--have fun--do whatcha gotta do--but come back safe!

Here is what I have so far..

4 shorty bottles of likka
chapstick
advil and tylenol
3 packs of gum
tums
tic tacs
hershey kisses
post-it's and a pen
condoms

Anything else?

Don't mess with the boy...PLEASE don't.

2005-08-22T11:41:00.000-04:00

I was blog hopping the other day, and I read a post by someone that said:
"I will fight a child"..she went on to say that one of the kids at camp were messin with her daughter, etc. I thought..oh no, this chick is singin' my song!

I have had many occasions where I was ready to fight a child..A nasty, disrespecting, no home trainin' child. Of course, I never actually DID it, but the thought was there..and I am starting to think that I am crazy for wanting to choke the life out of someone's young offspring. I am not talking teenagers. I am talking children under the age of 10.

First, I must wonder..what the hell am I thinking? But when someone hurts the boy, I mean physically hurts him on purpose, for no reason..the anger is unleashed..and it is a fucking vicious sight.

The boy mostly keeps to himself. He hangs with his l'il friend, and minds his own business. He does not start shit. He keeps his hands to himself. He might talk a little shit here and there, but nothing that would give any child the right to put their hands on him. Oh, he has a temper like his mama, but it takes him a minute to get there.

One of my girlfriends described me last week..she said that I was like a Chiuaua. A damn dog.
The cute little chiuaua. Looks cute. Is well behaved. Minds it's own business.
Until you fuck with it. It don't even growl. It just tries to bite your fucking hand off.
No warning whatsoever.

Thats me.

So, we are at this neighborhood party, and I saw some little girl pointing towards the boy. She was telling her older sister this dramatic story, and pointed at the boy several times.

I watch him walk around like he's on a mission.
He's looking for me. He sees me, and as soon as he makes eye-contact, his eyes turned sad.

What the fuck these girls done did to the boy? I think.

He comes over to me and tells me that the little girl that was pointing at him slapped him in the face. There is a huge red handprint on his little brown face.

Ya know, the details of what happened don't even matter. I don't even wanna hear the excuse of why some bad ass kid thought it would be okay to slap the boy in his face.
I am ready to fight.
A child.

I go over there and tell her that she needs to keep her little hands to herself.
She came back with lotsa mouth, some head bobbin and and finger waggin.
I tell her that she is a child--and that she needs to act like one.
She was SCREAMING in my face.
I wanted to knock her the fuck out.

She tells me she is going to get her sister..(as if that was supposed to scare me)
GO GET HER! I say. AND GET YOUR MAMA TOO!
I wudda knocked both of them the fuck out, as well. (LOL!)
I musta been mean-muggin her where she stood cuz she finally
comes over and apologizes for her bad ass, disrespectful, no home training sister.
Fuck an apology. That little girl needs a straight up ass-whippin.
And she almost got one.

Her mother was nowhere to be found. As usual.
I just don't understand how parents can let their bad ass kids roam the neighborhood,
with no adult supervision, then wanna get all pissed off when you tell their bad ass kids about themselves.--or tell them their kids have no home training--cuz, when your child puts their hands on the boy, I'll be quick to tell you about you and your child.

It is a damn shame all the mouth and attitude these kids have towards adults.

I guess it's a good thing that I got some damn sense.
Cuz, I think I would have won that fight.

I did it for my friend

2005-08-20T14:38:00.000-04:00

I got up this morning. Dreading the day ahead. I put a pot of coffee on.
My head is pounding. Not just your normal headache. My shit is thumping.
I get in the shower. I just want to get back into bed.
I don't have the energy to go through this.
I think I will be uncomfortable.
Not knowing what to say.
Wondering how I will feel when I get there.
I don't want to do this. Not today.

I go to the closet. And ponder over what to wear.
I decide on a black pair of slacks, and a white top.
Slowly, methodically, I get dressed.
I put some make-up on, not too much.
I dig out a pair of shoes from the back of the closet floor.
I usually only wear these shoes in the winter.
But I don't want to be walking around today in cute sandals.
I want to be as un-noticed as possible.
I hope that I will blend with the crowd.
Did I mention that I don't want to do this today?

I tell the boy that he is going to his friends house.
He is not going with me.
He asks me where I am going.
I tell him.
He asked if he could come along.
I tell him no.
He asks why.
I tell him because.
He says okay.
I hug him, and give him a kiss. "I love you Ty," I tell him.
He starts to walk away.
He comes back and gives me one last hug. "Hurry back, mom." He says.
I get in my car, and drive off.
Did I mention that I don't want to do this today?

Damn it's hot. I light a Newport. And listen to the radio in silence.
I'm late. As always.
I park the car and go inside. Damn, there are a lot of people here.
I feel uncomfortable, as I knew I would.
I don't really know anyone.
I see her son. I hug him.
I look around.
There is her husband. I hug him and ask if he is okay.
He thanks me for coming.
I go in the room.
I see her parents. They remember me from the wedding.
Her dad's eyes fill with tears. So do mine.
Did I mention that I don't want to do this today?

I see her other son. The youngest.
We look at each other from across the room, but say nothing.
I take a deep breath.
I walk over to where she is.
She looks okay. She looks like I remember her.
I stood there for a minute. My mind was blank.
I smiled at her and turned and walked away.
I was ready to go.
I didn't want to do this today, but I did.
And that's what friends do.

Rest In Peace, my friend.

Embrace Jealousy-It can be good for your soul

2005-08-19T10:50:00.000-04:00

Jealousy. I'm not talking about being jealous of things. Like big screens and cars..
I'm talking about jealousy in your heart.

Why do so many people deny their feelings of jealousy? I know that I do. I look at it as a sign of insecurity and weakness, when in actuality, there is nothing wrong with being a little jealous. I even find it somewhat endearing.

I have had many jealous men. Unbearably jealous. Ridiculous jealous. On the flip side of that I have been with men that tell me that they aren't the "jealous type". This only holds true if they have nothing to be jealous about at that moment. But once something jealous-worthy happens, it's all over and these dudes act like fucking fools.

I have dated men that tell me that they aren't jealous. At all. Ever. Well, to me, if it's true, I think that tells me something about them. It tells me that they don't give a shit about me.

This is how I have come up with this theory:
I have noticed, is that when you first start dating someone, anything goes. If they wanna go out with friends..go! If they want to go out with another girl..go! If they have friends that are girls..good! They talk about their ex-girlfriends..so what!

But once you start catching feelings..all that shit gotta STOP!
With the quickness.

So, this brings me to the main reason this jealousy shit was even on my mind.
I am jealous that one of my men is going on a trip. I mean, we have no spoken anything. I just know he is Sexy as hell, and that he is gonna get himself into some shit. I was talking to him the other day about his trip, and he started talking about Miami, and how much fun he is gonna have. It took me a minute to realize what I was feeling. Six months ago, I would have genuinely not given a fuck..but while listening to him talk, my little heart was going thru some drama! I was not acting a fool, but my heart was talking to me, and saying that it didn't like what it was hearing.

But that's okay..I will get over it, but I'm glad that I feel some jealousy.
If that makes me weak--so be it. If that makes me insecure--so what.
I am embracing it.
It tells me that I care.
I think it's good for my soul.

Choosing Temptation

2005-08-18T11:45:00.000-04:00

And lead us not into temptation...

Why is temptation such a motherfucker?

Why do we want so badly the things that we know are bad for us, or the things that we can't completely have.

Why can't I see past what I want?
Why am I chasing this ghost?
Why can't I open my googly-ass-eyes?

I guess it's all about choices. And I choose to do everything that I do..
good and bad.
Reap the benefits, or suffer the consequences.

If you're wondering, I am having some inner conflicts about some things.
Some of the choices that I make.
And I wonder, what makes me do the things that I do?

I wonder how I get myself into this shit.

We all have choices. And I guess I choose to chase a ghost, and to keep my googly-ass-eyes focused on what I want.

I can't see shit else.

~Sigh~

Mental note to self: MAKE WISER CHOICES

This rant is officially over.

The Power of Friendships

2005-08-17T12:25:00.000-04:00

One of my friends died.

And I am not sure how I feel about it. I mean, yeah..I feel bad.
But that's not what I mean. I mean how I really feel about our friendship, or lack thereof.

I blogged about her a few months ago. I called her a shit-starter. I do not take that back..she was a shit-starter. I actually stopped talking to her because of this. She caused me some drama with people that I had been friends with before her. I really feel that she did this on purpose. With hate. Not for me, but for my other girls. I almost fed right into what she was telling me.

I was friends with a guy named Russell. He was a bouncer at a club that I used to frequent.
We talked on the phone regularly..and hung out on occasion. but I saw him every weekend while shaking my booty with random guys on the dance floor. He laughed at me, and all the drama I got myself into at the club with the guys, but he always looked out for me..I guess he couldn't miss me..I was the only white girl..actually the only white person..in the place.

He met her through a mutual friend of theirs. She immediately told him that he was not allowed to be friends with me anymore. But after she met me, she changed her mind. Her and I became friends, and hung out every Friday at the club, while Russell worked. They soon got engaged, and she asked me to be her Maid of Honor..which I was.

She stopped hanging out as much, she really hated the club scene..Her jealousy was obvious. She couldn't stand the girls smiling at Russell, much less talking to him. Whenever someone hugged him, She shot fire in their direction.
And as an added bonus, the little spot that we went to just got way out of control..just way too much random violence for me. So, we all stopped going there, and Russell quit the bouncer gig.

Russell became friends with my man at the time..Andrew. Andrew was a Trinni--and oh..I loved me some him. He, because of his culture, was naturally possessive and jealous. He was also a champion kick boxer. He could fuck people up and was always willing to buck up on anyone at the club that even looked at me. As much as I loved him, I couldn't stay with him when he was always on the verge of cracking some random brutha's jaw just for looking in my direction. I stopped seeing him, and he was not happy about it. He still talked to Russell, so when my girlfriend went to get my stuff from his apartment for me, shit-starter jumped right on it and said they were fucking. She said that Andrew told Russell that he fucked my friend. And she also said that she saw them together. Which was untrue.

I just stopped talking to her. I did not want to get caught up in the drama that she needed to make her life exciting. I had not talked her in about a year.

She called me last November, and told me that she had cancer. She said the doctors gave her a few years at best..

I talked to her a few times over the last 9 months or so. She sent email updates to let everyone know how she was doing and what treatments she was getting.

Russell called me a last night. He said that she probably would not make it thru the week..this was shocking to me..and I immediately started to feel guilt. I thought about how I am as a friend..and I feel bad for ending our friendship the way that I did. I feel like I failed her as a friend, and that she regretted me being the Maid of Honor in her wedding. I thought I failed her just as my son's chosen God-Mother..my best friend for years..had failed him. She never calls him. Ever.
And I think that's shitty. I think I was shitty.

Yesterday, after talking to Russell..I was contemplating going to see her today. Should I? It was a tough call. I hate when people get sick, then folks come out the woodwork and try to be the person that they should have always been. In other words, phoney. Guilty.
but it didn't matter. He called me at 1am and told me that she died.

I plan on attending her funeral. She was my friend, and I want to pay my respects. I just hope I can get over myself for not being the friend that I should of been. That's the biggest tragedy.

A Date with "Dude"

2005-08-15T16:49:00.000-04:00

Why can't ex menfriends leave me the fuck alone?

I am sitting at work today, minding my own fucking business, and "Dude" calls.

Him: Hey! I am at a class in your neighborhood THIS WHOLE WEEK, and I was wondering..er..uh..if we could..we..uh..get together for lunch..or er maybe coffee?

Me: Ummm. I dunno..maybe. (Thinking: What the fuck for?) (and further thinking..What the fuck? What DO YOU WANT? Why are you calling?..ARE you fucking kidding me?)

Him: Well, I was really hoping to see you this week..

Me: Right..yeah..ummm. I don't really know what would be good for me this week...
(thinking: NEVER is good, motherfucker. in fact, NEVER would be perfect)

So, he tells me he will call me later..and I just assume he means later this week. Nope. This fool means later as in a few hours later.

Him: Hey..where are you?

Me: ..(thinking..I'm at the motherfucking club!... I am bent over my motherfucking desk!...and then thinking..none of your fucking business..) but I say..."I am at the mall" (which I was)

Him: Oh..how long are you gonna be there?

Me: (thinking..WHY? Why does it MATTER? but I say..) Not long..just getting the boy some shoes...

Him: Silence.

Me: Oh, you forgot about the boy?

Him: No.

And then I remember why I hate this motherfucker. I remember why we are NOT together.

Me: Lemme call you later, m'kay?

before he answers, I slam my phone closed.

As I am walking thru the mall, I start to think about our relationship. If you want to call it that.

I met "dude" in a club. He got that nickname from jump, cuz one of my homegirls couldn't remember his name for shit. So she just called him "dude" Which stuck. He hated his little nickname, but I thought it was hilarious.

He was in the Air Force. Stationed at Andrews Air Force Base. He lived...well, I can't say that I knew where he lived. That was one of our problems. He also had a daughter and an ex-wife. That was one of our other problems.

It seemed that he NEVER wanted us two to cross paths. Which, I am not that concerned about. I never wanted to meet her, anyway. I had nothing to say to her...I was never around her daughter, so, it's not like she had to check me out or anything.

But all of that aside..those reasons where not why we aren't together. And..it has nothing to do with the sex.

He did not like the boy. Oh, He pretended like he did..but he didn't. And because of that..he had to go. I don't know if it was the boy that he didn't like, or the way that I did things regarding the boy. We had many "discussions" that ended up with me not talking to him for days. The boy was not crazy about him either, and he was not afraid to show it. He was not disrespectful, he just made it known in his 7 year old way, that Dude was not running shit at our house..that he had clearly overstepped his boundaries when tryna make it seem as if he had some sort of authority..the boy knew better. We don't roll like that.

I guess one of the reasons I thought about this today, was because I wanted to put into perspective that I did not allow this man to change the way I interact with my son. Whenever the boy would say something that could possibly be misunderstood by dude, or anyone for that matter, dude would always look at me..like.."oh, you need to correct THAT" or he would say..if MY DAUGHTER EVER did that/said that/thought that or whatever the case, she would get that ass beat! Okay, then.

I just don't understand how he thought that he was able to do some of the shit that he did. I never gave him the power..only angry glares, and strong arguments, and a this is not your place attitude.

So, in true diva fashion, I just stopped calling him, and he never called me. He was silly like that...he knew that if I didn't call, I was having an issue. The last time I saw or talked to him was last November.

So, do I want to have "lunch"date or "coffee"date with dude?
No. But do I want to see him, so he can see my being fucked on the regular smirk, and realize that he could have had that if he had just kept his opinions to himself.
Yeah. I'm a bitch like that.

No-Show-No-Excuse-No-Nothin'

2005-08-13T23:01:00.000-04:00

Ok. So, I was pretty pissed about baby daddy rollin up here, and droppin a "yard" on the boy. Thanks for the hundred bucks daddy-o.

And I was pretty pissed that he didn't even call the boy on his birthday.

But this mother-fucker had the nerve. the fucking nerve.to.not.come.to.the.boys.party.
Yep. A mother fucking no show. His own damn father.

How do you explain why you didn't bother to show up at your own child's party.
There is no good explanation. In fact, there is NOTHING that you can say to me.

This is the shit that I am talking about. **SMDH**

Ya wanna know what is worse than not coming to your child's party?
Your child not wondering why you aren't there.

Instead of explaining why you didn't show up, explain why your child don't even care that you didn't show up.

Damn them fucking asshole counselors at that fucking camp.

2005-08-12T12:47:00.000-04:00

So, I'm driving the boys to camp today, and The Boy tells me that they want to come to work with me today. "PLeeeASEeee..We'll be good! We won't bother you..."

What the hell? WHY?

The boy starts explaining that the camp counselors are not nice to them..they generally are just shitty to them, they call him by the wrong name, and when he corrects them, they say 'whatever' and that one of the camp counselors told him to "Shut up!"

Huh? What the fuck?

The boy told her that he was gonna tell the camp director, and the counselor said
"Go ahead, I don't care"

Oh, really TRIXIE!?

So, I tell the boy.."She might not care if you tell the director, BUT SHE'S GONNA CARE THAT YOU TOLD ME"

The boy and his l'il friend look at each other like "UT OH!"

I have said before, these kids KNOW I DON'T PLAY.
Don't fuck with my child.
And think it's fucking cute.

So, we are walking up to the camp..and I ask the boy if the counselor that told him to shut up is there in the morning, at aftercare? or does she come when camp starts?

He said he wasn't sure.

I tell him and his l'il friend.."Ya'all better pray to god that this bitch ain't here when I walk in the door.."

The boy says: I'm not praying for her..I hope she IS there.

As her luck would be, she was not there.

But I talked to the director (LOL..one of the morning care people saw that I was not playing..and he called her on her cell phone..)

MISTAKE NUMBER 1: She tells me that the this is the last week of camp and the counselors are tired! They have been dealing with kids all summer....

**Hold the fuck up**

Me: While I appreciate your 'excuses' you are talking to the wrong mom. I don't wannna hear that shit. I don't give a fuck how tired they are..they are not gonna talk to my child any kind of way...this shit is unacceptable...

(Yeah, your girl is OFF THE HOOK when I am mad...)

MISTAKE NUMBER 2: She asked me if I wanted to talk to the counselor that "allegedly" told the boy to shut up.

**Hold the fuck up**

Me: There is NO ALLEGEDLY. If he said she told him to shut up, then she did. AND no.I.don't.want.to.talk.her.
She ain't ready for it. She really ain't.

I basically went off on her for 20 minutes. I let her know, in no uncertain terms, that the boy is not to be fucked with. I let her know, that her counselors don't have to like the boy. But they ain't gonna talk to him any kind of way, and they surely ain't gonna tell him to shut up.

She tells me she will talk to the boy and call me back.

She does call me back, and explains that they have had a meeting with all the counselors, and
the boy and his l'il friend should be fine. And I believe her..cuz she felt the wrath that is me, today.

Todays lesson:
Don't fuck with the boy. I will be sure to make your life miserable.

I don't want a PIMP in my life

2005-08-11T11:29:00.000-04:00

One of my men had the nerve to tell me that he was a 'pimp'.

Huh? Oh, you a pimp. Oh, okay. Well, since you are rolling that way, I think you are about to be cut the fuck off. mmmmhmmmm. I ain't got no love for a man that wants to call himself a pimp.

So, let me put it into context. I mean, maybe he was as misunderstood as I am...?

Him: I am going to Miami on the 26th.

Me: Oh..you are?

Him: Yep, can you call your girl and see where the hot spots are?

Me: No, don't ask her..her hot spots prolly aint your hot spots..but I know someone that can hook a brutha up with some hot spots..let me shoot my girl Ms. Tee an email and she'll let me know where to go..she's fly like that..she won't hem a brutha up.

Him: Okay, cool..tell her I want to go where the fine women are...

Me: Okay..you know, If you're a dude, you gotta pay to get into them places..that shit aint cheep..and the drinks..

Him: Oh, hell naw..I'll pay to get in, but I ain't payin for nothing else..

Me looking at him like he's fucking crazy.

Him: CUZ..I'M A MUHFUCKIN PIMP!

I don't think I like this..are you tryna tell me that you are playin' me? Nah, of course you don't mean me..

Do you?

Nah..you ain't talkin' about all the stuff I do for you, makes you a pimp, and makes me..what?
A ho?

Is that what you think? Oh, I'm sorry. I wasn't aware.

I'll be somebody's ho--all night long--but I don't need no pimp. period.

Have fun in MIAMI, pimp.

He get it from his mama?

2005-08-10T11:25:00.000-04:00

Omigod.
Just when I thought I was a good parent, the boy comes out with some shit that makes me wonder.

Last Thursday, the boy had a camp sleep-over that he went to. He took his cell phone with him, and when he brought all his stuff home, I just assumed it was still in his backpack.

Umm. no.

Yesterday, I switch the laundry over, and I hear this thumping in the dryer. WTF? I go investigate. Nothing. I turn it on again, and the same thumping. I investigate again, and find nothing. Fuck it. I think as I close the dryer door and turn it back on. For the next 30 minutes, I listen to this thumping in my dryer. Too stubborn to go check it out again.

Finally, I give up. I open the dryer and start taking the still damp clothes out 1 by 1. Sure nuff. There is the boys cell phone. Damn.

I try it to see if it works. Of course not. That would be way too easy.
The shit is bro-ken.
So, I decide that I will go pick him up a new one..Well, as my luck would have it, I never make it to the store. I got caught up at work, and needed to get home.

I got home, and the boy was at my girlfriend's house. I was about to call there and instead he called me. I tell him that they didn't have the cell phone. I knew he would be a little pissed, but I assured him that I would go get him one tomorrow. This child, the boy, actually started to interrogate me about the damn cell phone.

I finally tell him that he is making me mad. He says, "Okay, then."
And this child. hangs.up.the.phone. --yep, he hung the fuck up on me.

I guess this is the shit that I inadvertently teach the boy. You don't like what someone says to you, hang up the phone. Not a bad concept, but not for a 10 year old to use on his own mother.

I was all over his ass when he got home. I am pretty sure it will never happen again.
But damn. We know where he git it...

1 hour and 100 dollars does not make you a good father

2005-08-09T10:36:00.000-04:00

I hear the phone ringing early Saturday morning. I look at the clock. 6:45am. Damn.

It ain't nobody but baby daddy. I know his ass thinks he's about to miss out on the boy's Birthday Party, but it's not until next week.

I listen to the phone ring a few more times, and I decide to drag myself out of bed and answer.

"What's up?" I answer slightly irritated.

"Um..er..umm. I want to see the boy..I have a birthday gift for him.
I want to come to his party"

Just to be the bitch that I am expected to be I say.."What the fuck makes you think I have money for a party?"

Silence.

"Umm. Hello?".."I guess you think that you can just fuck around all year, but you want to prove how good of a father you are by showing up at the boys party?"

Silence.

"I have a gift for him...Can I come over later?"

I am thinking NO, but I say "I gu-ess.. but make sure you call first..don't just be creepin up to my crib unannounced." and I hang up the phone.

I think that baby daddy really thinks he deserves a break. He thinks he deserves some sort of respect from me because he thinks that he is doing the right thing. He thinks that I am supposed to somehow be thankful that he is calling and offering up a birthday gift for the boy.
But I am not impressed. Fuck that. Fuck him. I am tired of letting him decide when he wants to be a father.

Around 7:55 that evening, one of my girlfriends calls. "Yo baby daddy outside." ~LOL~

Around 8:00 he comes in the house with the boy. He purposely didn't call. I am watching TV in my room. He comes in my room and lays across my bed. What the fuck?

"Get the fuck outta my bed.." I tell him. "Don't noboby want your ass all up in the bed." And this motherfucker gets up, walks out of my room and slams the door. Slams it so hard, he rattles my pictures on the wall. What the fuck?

Oh.no.bitch.

I open the door. He turns around and looks at me with all the hate he has in his 6 foot 3 body.
I don't yell..the boy is in his room. I clench my teeth together and narrow my eyes.

"You don't pay for a motherfucking thing here..and until you do..you don't slam doors in my motherfucking house.."

And I am thinking to myself...Why can't I stand the sight of him? Why does he get on my nerves in less than 5 minutes. Why can't I stand to be around him? Why does he come to my house and act a fool? Why does he not understand when he gets put the hell out?

I go back in my room. 10 minutes later, the boy comes in and tells me that his father is asleep in his room. What the fuck? How do you come over to see the boy and fall the fuck asleep in less than a half hour?

I go in the boys room, wake up baby daddy, and tell him that this is not a hotel..
He gets up, hands the boy $100 dollars and tells him to go buy himself something.
What the fuck?

I guess it doesn't matter what he does. It will never be good enough for me.

Happy Birthday to the Boy!

2005-08-08T11:08:00.000-04:00

Today is the boy's Birthday. The big 1-0.

It's hard to believe that little boy has been around for 10 years!

I was late for work this morning because he wanted Krispy Kreme doughnuts..my boss frowned his face at me when I walked in 30 minutes late with a box of half-eaten doughnuts.

~LOL~

Waking up the BITCH in me

2005-08-05T11:12:00.000-04:00

Why do bitches try to test me all the damn time.

I try to have patience with people. I try to have tolerance for others shortcomings.
I try to keep the peace. I try to accept people and situations for what they are.
I try not to let my ignorant behavior get out of check.

I put up with a lot. I try not to keep score. I try to let people express themselves.
But it seems as of late that some people no longer know their roles. They are out of
character. They are acting a fool.
And every time I let this slide, their egos get bigger and bigger.

They are forgetting who they are dealing with. They forget that I have a bitch
in me like no other. The bitch in me sleeps. But everyone that knows me has seen it.
But maybe they need to feel it to understand the magnitude of what it really is.

Maybe they need to feel the fire of my words to be a believer. Once the bitch is unleashed, it is ovah. ya hear me? o-v-a-h. done. There is no turning back. And I think that's why I try to keep it under control. To save friendships, that sometimes are not worth saving. To spare others the wrath that is me. To have them never feel what it is like to be truly cussed the fuck out.

I have ended friendships for less than what these bitches are talking about. I know that once I go there, it is no coming back. We. are.done. I make sure that it is on point, so that I have no regrets. I know exactly what I am doing. I make no excuses. Make sure you get everything out that you need to say as I am cussing you because I will never have the need to speak to you again. For nothing. I will never in life need you again. For anything.
You will always need me, before I need you. I make sure of that.

While ending friendships is not what I like to do, it is not out of the question. Don't keep fucking with me, and fucking with me, and fucking with me and think nothing will never happen. Something WILL happen, and it will be nasty.

So everyone beware. The bitch in me is sleeping.
You can nudge her every now and again, but please don't wake her.
Unless you are ready to deal with her.
She's evil.

Blockin' Ass Bitches

2005-08-04T11:35:00.000-04:00

"Come home with me" I whisper in his ear as I walk up behind him.
He is watching baseball on the TV at the bar.
I have to stand on my tip toes to reach him..

"Ok" he says.

I am excited at the thought of him. I plan it all out in my head.
Get home.
get the boy in bed.
get nekked.
and fuck until the dawn.

It seems that my "friends" have other plans.

We get to my house, and one of "the girls" that was not invited out with us, is waiting for us in the parking lot. She wants to confront us on how unfair we have treated her and her son.

HUH? Whhut? At 11:00 pm. Especially when I have a manfriend in tow?
Aw, hell no. Hell ass no.

I blame this entire confrontation on her. She almost got her fuckin ass beat. Twice.
Once by my sistafriend..See this story about that part of it...and the other by me.
for blocking. Don't block a sista from getting her swirl on!
What the fuck is wrong with bitches?
Everyone of my friends knows how much I adore him,
and how pissed off I would be if he left behind this bullshit.

But, he stayed through all the drama.
The entire night.

I finally broke the little party up. And sent everyone home.
And got my nekkedness on.

I woke up this morning with a headache like no other. I don't know if it was from the likka, the blockers, or my head banging against the headboard all night. (lmao!)

I am not a fighter. But I swear, I will beat a bitch down for being a blockin'ass hater.

That's what I get

2005-08-03T15:23:00.000-04:00

So, I get out of work early on the Friday before Independence Day.
I am on my way home @3 ish.
I need some 'ports for the weekend.
(LOL..I need to quit smoking..stoppin for Ports has caused more problems in my life *sigh*)

I pull into the gas station. I go in. There is this dude at the counter, paying for his smokes. He checks me out. Eh, he's ok. Barely.

I get my 'ports and am walking to my car..damn it's hot. Dude is just kind of hanging out by his car. Like he's waiting for someone.
As I start getting closer to my car, he also starts heading towards my car.

Damn. Why men always gotta be crackin' at the gas station. Jesus. I am so over that.
~rolls eyes~--I mean dayum..men want to holla at the gas station while I am pumpin my own fucking gas. Damn mayne..atleast offer to do it..or pay for it, or sumthin.

So..dude wants to talk. He tells me his name. He tells me where he lives--he tells me his age.
He asks for my number. I give him my cell number. He says he'll call.
I say okay.

I am no sooner pulling out the fucking parking lot, and my cell rings.

Me: Hello?

Him: Oh, I was just making sure you gave me the right number.
Whhuut?..It took him the time to say those words out his mouth for me to figure out something about him. psycho.

At this point I was done.

Me: um. ok.
He laughs, and I hang up on his ass.

Over the last month..this man has called me every.damn.day.

EVERY.DAMN.DAY.

I have answered the phone exactly 2 times.
Until yesterday.

I am chillin at the crib. My cell rings. I answer not because I think it's him, but because I didn't know it was him.

Me: Hello?

Him: BRENda. (silence)

Me realizing it was him: Oh, hey..what's up?

Him: I DUNNO-YOU.TELL.ME!
this motherfucker has the nerve to have attitude. He starts to say something about me not ever answering his calls. Sorry son, I don't want to hear you! (laughing, not believing that I just thought "son" when I hate hearing people say it)
And I hang the fucking phone up. Just like that.

This man proceeds to ring my phone atleast 5 times. back.to.back.to.back.

Me: (finally) WHAT?

Him: Why are you doing me like that, I thought we had something?

Me: Huh? What the fuck are you talking about?
Ya ever been so frustrated, that alls you can do is hang up the phone?
Well, that was me.

What the fuck? Can't you just leave.me.alone?
Jeez. That's what I get for passing out my number like m&m's.
*shaking my damn head and laughing at the shit I get myself into*

The Boy

2005-08-02T19:36:00.000-04:00

Feeling somewhat uninspired today..so I thought I'd post a picture of the boy.

Lying Eyes

2005-08-01T11:49:00.000-04:00

3:45 am.

He calls. He wants to come over. He has been drinking. He is upset.
He gets to my place. He talks forever. He keeps repeating himself.
He was in an argument, that almost turned into a fight. With someone
he knows. This someone has been tryna hook up with me, but is
married. This someone knows that he comes over. I have been questioned
about him. Like a fuckin police investigation. I refuse to tell his business.
He tells me he can't to this anymore. He tells me that he can't be in a
relationship. He tells me that this is wrong. That he is wrong.
That my heart is too good. That I am too good.
He tells me goodbye.
This will be the last time he comes over.
I don't believe him.
So I look at him. He can't hide behind his eyes.
His lying eyes. They always tell his truth.

I need 4 advil and a drink

2005-07-31T03:31:00.000-04:00

I have been on the net all morning tryna plan a trip. Me and the boy are venturing out in November..and man, is this shit stressful.

From airfare. to car rental. to the skatepark. to the hotel. to the cruise ship. to airfare again.
Each one needing to be a precise time, as to not miss the boat..or plane!

Wondering..should I reserve everything NOW, or wait till September. or October?
should I skip the car rental and take a cab?
Should we stay the night in Orlando, or Tampa?
How will I get to the port after dropping the rental car off?
Will we be late?

I can not fathom sitting in an airport for 7 hours waiting for our return flight..especially with the boy and a bunch of luggage. He (or me for that matter) is just not that patient. That's a long ass time to be sittin in the airport.

I am not a traveler. Travel=stress.

Any suggestions?

His Confessions

2005-07-29T18:39:00.000-04:00

I walk in the door from being out with my friend Marvin having a drink.
He is sitting on my couch, with the boy and the babysitter. Chillin.
I start to laugh. How in the hell did he manage that? The boy apparently let him in. Not a problem, at all. I was just surprised to see him. Apparently he has been here for a while.
He told me that he was gonna pay the babysitter, and send her home, but was unsure how much to give her.

I put the boy to bed.

He is watching me from the doorway. We go into my room, and I lay on the bed. He continues to watch me, as if he has something on his mind.

"What?"

And this man looks me in my face and says the following words:

"I shudda never started fucking with your ass."

He doesn't say it with hate. Not at all.
He says it with confusion. I think he was confessing.
His feelings are caught up, and he wants to see where I'm at.

What is that supposed to mean? I ask him.
He proceeds to explain that we don't have a commitment.
But he is unable to hook up with other women.
That he thinks about me. And as much as he tries to forget, he can't.
And it's not supposed to be this way.
That he is a dog. That he doesn't want me to feel like he is using me.
He is not.
That it's not fair to me. That this whole thing that he is doing..
I shouldn't be caught up in this mess.
He has never met anyone like me...

So, I think for a minute and offer up my theory.

He is confused, not because of how I act, but because of how I am.
He does not understand that we are both doing this, to each other.
He can't figure out why I don't act a fool. He does not understand how I can remain so calm, why I never curse at him. Why I never ring his phone off the hook. Why I never complain.
I am convinced that he is just waiting for the real me to emerge. The bitch.

This is the real me, I tell him.

He looks at me as if he wants to speak again, but says nothing.

I have always kept my feelings for him in check. Because I don't want to be hurt.
I love him. But I don't think I am ready to share my life with him any more than I already do.

Maybe he's right. He shudda never started fucking with me.

A Lesson for the boy~LIFE IS NOT FAIR!~trust me on this!

2005-07-28T18:37:00.000-04:00

We had really bad storms last night. So..
My first day to work this week, and we have no power. After much debate, we are allowed to leave early. The boy (and his friend) are at camp. Due to the not-so-broken arm, he was allowed to go back to camp today. I take them in the morning, The boy's little friend's mother who is also my friend (MK) picks both boys up after camp every day and watches the boy till I get home.

The boy is usually in aftercare, but MK convinced me to not enroll him this summer so that her son has someone to play with after camp. This, of coarse, was not the way it was presented to me…she went the financial route! (Which is cool..aftercare is expensive as h.e.l.l.)....but NEVER.AGAIN.

She must have seen my car coming in, because she called me (at home) to tell me that the boys are having a cookout at camp tomorrow, and that I need to get chips. Thank god the boy knows better than to volunteer me for 50 cupcakes the night before the cookout!

About 10 minutes later, I am chillin watching a Lifetime movie, and the boy walks in. I had just gotten up to get something to drink, and was standing in the kitchen.
He looks at me strange. "What?" I say..

“Ummm. I thought you were asleep”!?!?..he says confused.

"Who told you that?"
..I am kinda pissed, because I already knew who told him that. MK. And I knew exactly what she was doing. She told the boy that I was asleep so that he wouldn’t come home. So that he would stay and play with her son. She knew that once he was aware that I was home, that he knew he could do what he wanted. That he no longer would have to hang out at her house and essentially leave her son with nothing to do.

So, yeah. I am pissed about this. Don’t be keeping my child from me—crazy ass bitch.

So he asks me if he could have something to eat. I make the boy a ham and mayonnaise sammich. He sits on the couch and tries to catch up on the movie, which is over in 10 minutes.
He watched the rest of the movie while he ate.

Right after the movie was over, the phone rings. MK. “Where’s the boy”? she asks. “Right here” I say. The boy starts shaking his head..like don’t tell her I’m here. I look at him, like What the hell?? I tell her that the boy will be out soon. We hang up. I ask the boy what was THAT all about and he says ..

“I didn’t want her to know that I was eating…she will be mad, and I will get in trouble”

WHAT THE FUCK???

So the boy proceeds to explain to me (much of which I already knew) that she makes sure everything is fair. The boy can not have somthing (that is HIS) while in her care, if her son doesn't get it as well. Like, snacks, or soda left over from his lunch. Or ice cream from the ice cream truck if the boy has his own money. Dumb shit.

But for him to be afraid to come in his own damn house and eat a fucking ham sammich because he thinks he is gonna get yelled at by someone else’s parent..was too much for my ears. The boy and I need to have a talk, NOW.

I knew that this was a big issue with her. I knew that it’s almost an obsession with her. Share, and share alike. She never wants the boy to get more than her son. If they go to the mall, and the boy has money, he is not allowed to spend HIS money, because her son has no money to spend. The examples are endless. Sometimes the boy is with her out of necessity, and she has different rules. I expect him to understand that, and follow her rules when I am not there. Sometimes she oversteps her boundaries, when I am there. And I have to tell her about herself.

It’s too crazy to explain, so I won’t try. But the boy and I…yeah, we had a talk. It went something like this:

Me: Please understand that I AM YOUR MOTHER.
MK is NOT YOUR MOTHER.

MK does not decide what and when you can eat WHEN I AM HOME.

MK does not make decisions about what you can and can’t do WHEN I AM HOME.

MK does not have the right to get mad at you for coming home, for not wanting to go somewhere with her, or not wanting to share your apple, your soda, your money, your scooter, your bike or skateboard WHEN I AM HOME.

If MK has a problem with something that I SAY THAT YOU CAN DO, when I AM HOME, then you need to come tell me.

SHE IS NOT YOUR MOTHER!

Oh, and one more thing..LIFE IS NOT FUCKING FAIR--EVER. So don't let anyone tell you that it is.

With that, he kissed me and went out the door.

I hope I didn't leave anything out....