I did it for my friend

I got up this morning. Dreading the day ahead. I put a pot of coffee on.
My head is pounding. Not just your normal headache. My shit is thumping.
I get in the shower. I just want to get back into bed.
I don't have the energy to go through this.
I think I will be uncomfortable.
Not knowing what to say.
Wondering how I will feel when I get there.
I don't want to do this. Not today.

I go to the closet. And ponder over what to wear.
I decide on a black pair of slacks, and a white top.
Slowly, methodically, I get dressed.
I put some make-up on, not too much.
I dig out a pair of shoes from the back of the closet floor.
I usually only wear these shoes in the winter.
But I don't want to be walking around today in cute sandals.
I want to be as un-noticed as possible.
I hope that I will blend with the crowd.
Did I mention that I don't want to do this today?

I tell the boy that he is going to his friends house.
He is not going with me.
He asks me where I am going.
I tell him.
He asked if he could come along.
I tell him no.
He asks why.
I tell him because.
He says okay.
I hug him, and give him a kiss. "I love you Ty," I tell him.
He starts to walk away.
He comes back and gives me one last hug. "Hurry back, mom." He says.
I get in my car, and drive off.
Did I mention that I don't want to do this today?

Damn it's hot. I light a Newport. And listen to the radio in silence.
I'm late. As always.
I park the car and go inside. Damn, there are a lot of people here.
I feel uncomfortable, as I knew I would.
I don't really know anyone.
I see her son. I hug him.
I look around.
There is her husband. I hug him and ask if he is okay.
He thanks me for coming.
I go in the room.
I see her parents. They remember me from the wedding.
Her dad's eyes fill with tears. So do mine.
Did I mention that I don't want to do this today?

I see her other son. The youngest.
We look at each other from across the room, but say nothing.
I take a deep breath.
I walk over to where she is.
She looks okay. She looks like I remember her.
I stood there for a minute. My mind was blank.
I smiled at her and turned and walked away.
I was ready to go.
I didn't want to do this today, but I did.
And that's what friends do.

Rest In Peace, my friend.