Keep it Movin....

Last week, I called one of my ex-menfriends.
He had been instant messaging me for a week.
He had no other way of contacting me. I was curious, so I called him.
Now all the sudden he wants to get married.
Ummmmm.
to me.

It's crazy. 5 years ago, I wudda married him in a minute. In fact, I had visions of our wedding.
Of us. Of a family with him.
But things went terribly wrong. I took a step back and looked at my situation with him.
It was not what I wanted. I loved him hard and fast. I fell out of love the same way.

Many denials. His.
Many nasty words. Mine.
Many tears. Mine.
When all was said and done, I hated him.
As much, if not more than I ever loved him.

I don't understand what makes him think that I could ever feel the same way about him...
why would he think that is a possibility. I don't even think I like him as a person. And if he got to know me...the real me... he would not like me either. I am trying to make him see that. I am trying to help him understand that I am not the same person that he dated. The person that he dated was not even me. I changed my thought process when we were together.
I changed who I was.

We started dating right after baby daddy.
He was a breath of fresh air for me.

Because...
I was tired of fighting.
Tired of everything being an issue.
Tired of being by myself.

So I became this person...
This person that would do anything for him.
This person that never complained.
This person that would put up with anything.

I stopped smoking. I stopped drinking.
I stopped cursing. I stopped acting a fool.
All the things that make me who I am.

When we spoke, he mentioned getting together..
I told him that he would never like or accept the person that I am.
What I do is everything that he hates. Who I am is everything that he despises.

I do smoke. I do drink. I do curse. I do act a fool.
And I fuck. And that's just what I do.

He is not ready for the person that I am. That I will always be.
He could never love me. Not ever like I would need him to.
Not then. Not now. Not ever.