Fucked Up. In more ways than one.

I am not sure how I feel about this, because of how I feel about him.

I should be pissed and done with him. But it takes me a lot to get to that with someone.
I have lots of patience with men that treat me badly.

So, it went down like this…

Last night was my work Holiday Party. I am on the Employee Activity Committee so I was responsible for certain aspects of the party planning.
I decided to get a photographer to take prom like pictures. It was kind of/sort of a joke...but the committee thought it was a great idea.

Last year, my sexy man date took pictures all through the Holiday Party. He is a contracted employee for my company but his role there makes him a very visible and well known person. Everyone was shocked that we were there together, and even more shocked that my drunk ass said “we have a room here!” (The party was at a hotel)
Anyway. He sent the pictures out to everyone the following Monday. He is also a photographer, and a very good one. He does weddings, sporting events, and private sittings.

Everyone on the committee wanted to know if he was going to be my date again this year, because they wanted free photograpgy and I told them no. Last years party is when all our work/are we dating/are we fucking drama started. As I knew it would. The committee decided to get me to ask sexy man if we could pay him to take the photographs this year. I told them that he would do it and told him later that he was doing it. It was decided that he would stay from 7:30 till 9:30. He was okay with it, because I think he really wanted to come to the party with me, but didn’t want the drama. He knew that I would be there, and probably near him the entire night. He told me that he had somewhere else to go afterward and that he would not be staying the entire night. I wanted to get a room, because last year I got pretty drunk and figured that even though I live 10 minutes from the hotel, I wouldn’t have to worry about getting home if I drank too much. But because we didn't want anyone to see us leaving in the morning together, we decided not to get a room. --and besides--he told me he had somewhere to go after the party.

He got there late, because he got stuck at work, and by the time he arrived, I had already had 3 drinks. I AM NOT A DRINKER. I drink on occasion…But I can throw ‘em back. And I was.
He needed me to help him set up a little, which I did. I was well on my way to drunked-ness. I got him a drink whenever I got myself one. He said they weren’t very strong, so I started ordering us doubles. He probably had 3 drinks. And then, there was me…It was open bar and I was taking advantage of that! He was taking pictures in the mingling/bar area..the people I work with are HILARIOUS! Some of those pictures…
I had a few taken of me and the girls that I work with. I think I was in damn near every picture.
I was starting to feel the likka.
I am a funny ass drunk. I giggle a lot.
I got jokes. I am a sexual mess.
No, make that a sexual train wreck.
I have no damn discretion what I say, or to who.
I think I even told one of my co-workers that he had a nice ass. ~LOL~

The party was to end at 11pm. By 10, I was done. Or should have been. I got another drink. Sexy man and I were checking on each other all night..everyone assumes that we are together, and I am tired of defending that. I just let them think what they want. I understand why the do, and I would think the same thing if it were another chick and him behaving the way we do..

I walked up to him and started giggling. He asked me if I was alright. I just laughed. He knew I was drunk. He said…”Why don’t you stop DRINKING and SMOKING and SIT THE FUCK DOWN somewhere!” ~~LOL~~

“OK” I tell him. So..I go to the bar, get a drink, walk past him, hold it up to show him and head for the door to go have a smoke. ~LOL~ He knows how much of a smart ass I am and he just shook his damn head at me.

I don’t know where I was, or who I was talking to, or how long I was gone, but I went back out to the area where he was, he was packed up and ready to leave. He was looking for me to tell me he was leaving. Our conversation went like this:

Him: I am leaving, baby..I gotta go!

Drunk me: You’re gonna have to take me home.

Him: When?

Drunk me: Now.

Him: I got somewhere to be.

Drunk me: OK, well, drop me off…and keep my car..I don’t care…

Him: Baby, I told you before… I have somewhere to be…

He started walking backwards towards the exit, watching me the entire time.

I slowly put my hands up..it looked like a sad, hurt version of what the fuck? I know my face was frowned. It was non-verbal ‘what should I do?’ And this asshole waved his hand at me. As if to say ‘bye’...
"I'll call you..." he said and he turned his back and went out the door.

I immediately got my purse, and jacket. I picked up my cell phone and called his number. He didn’t answer. I laughed in spite of that. Mostly because I was just too drunk to do anything else. I dialed him again. He didn’t answer. I started walking to the door myself.
I too, was leaving.

I am walking thru the parking garage, and I stopped to take my boots off (??)
Some dude starts to holla at me. My drunk ass stops to listen to him spit game at me.
He's a doctor..he is here for an interview..He has a room at the hotel and suggests that I come up because I was too drunk to drive. For a split second, it sounded like a good idea. I may have even agreed to it. I can’t exactly remember. I don’t remember his name, but he was nice..EVEN HE knew I shouldn’t be driving.

About 5 minutes later, sexy man called my cell. He wanted to know where I was.
In my car, I tell him. He seriously didn’t understand. He wanted to know why I didn’t stay inside. “GO BACK INSIDE” he said. “Go to the bar in the hotel. Get some coffee. Stay there for a while. Then drive home. You know everyone will be going to the bar…”

And he was probably right. But AGAIN..I WAS DRUNK! And I wasn’t thinking.
The dude, went to get something from his car..and I drove the fuck off. That was a drunk ass move on my part. LOL! I did not want to be in that position. I did not know this fucker..he could be on some killer type shit or something. I was not even gonna go there. Any sense that I did have, told me to just go home. AND I DID.

I called sexy man on my way home, I don’t know what for, but he didn’t answer his phone. I don’t understand him…

I called him when I got home, this time from my home phone. I wanted him to know that I was home. He didn’t answer. I left him a message. I have never left him a message before..I tell him, I only leave messages if I have something important to say. I guess this was important.

“Hey. I AM HOME! Yep, I made it home. I am alive. Your.girl.is.ALIVE! Since you were so concerned about my safety, I wanted to let you know I made it. I love you! And I am going to sleep.” I hung up.

I have not heard from him all day today.

Not until today do I realize the magnatude of what happened.
Not until today do I realize that this motherfucker don't care about me.

I am pissed. I am hurt. I don’t know how I feel about him after last night.

How do you do that to SOMEONE? ANYONE?
But especially someone that you care about?

How do you refuse to take a drunk person home—10 minutes—not even out of your way—ON YOUR WAY??

Was he confused about what I was doing or is that just me making excuses for him?
Was that my punishment?

I see it as a big FUCK YOU from sexy man. How is anything that he had to do, more important than my life? MY LIFE?

It is clear to me that I should not have driven home, and I had too much to drink. I take full responsibility for that. But shit happens. And you depend on other people to help you thru shit like this.

I called 5 of my friends. I called Marvin. I KNEW I needed a ride. I ASKED a person, THE ONE PERSON in this world that I would do damn near anything for, to do me 1 fucking favor. To make sure that I get home safe. And he flat out told me NO? He turned his back on me, and I would never, ever do that to him.

That’s some fucked up shit. That’s REAL fucked up.
And I don’t know if I can get past it.

I might have been fucked up--but what he did was more fucked up.