Free Web Counter
Free Hit Counter

Friday, July 29, 2005

His Confessions

I walk in the door from being out with my friend Marvin having a drink.
He is sitting on my couch, with the boy and the babysitter. Chillin.
I start to laugh. How in the hell did he manage that? The boy apparently let him in. Not a problem, at all. I was just surprised to see him. Apparently he has been here for a while.
He told me that he was gonna pay the babysitter, and send her home, but was unsure how much to give her.

I put the boy to bed.

He is watching me from the doorway. We go into my room, and I lay on the bed. He continues to watch me, as if he has something on his mind.

"What?"

And this man looks me in my face and says the following words:

"I shudda never started fucking with your ass."

He doesn't say it with hate. Not at all.
He says it with confusion. I think he was confessing.
His feelings are caught up, and he wants to see where I'm at.

What is that supposed to mean? I ask him.
He proceeds to explain that we don't have a commitment.
But he is unable to hook up with other women.
That he thinks about me. And as much as he tries to forget, he can't.
And it's not supposed to be this way.
That he is a dog. That he doesn't want me to feel like he is using me.
He is not.
That it's not fair to me. That this whole thing that he is doing..
I shouldn't be caught up in this mess.
He has never met anyone like me...

So, I think for a minute and offer up my theory.

He is confused, not because of how I act, but because of how I am.
He does not understand that we are both doing this, to each other.
He can't figure out why I don't act a fool. He does not understand how I can remain so calm, why I never curse at him. Why I never ring his phone off the hook. Why I never complain.
I am convinced that he is just waiting for the real me to emerge. The bitch.

This is the real me, I tell him.

He looks at me as if he wants to speak again, but says nothing.

I have always kept my feelings for him in check. Because I don't want to be hurt.
I love him. But I don't think I am ready to share my life with him any more than I already do.

Maybe he's right. He shudda never started fucking with me.

2 Comments:

Blogger AMES said...

Yeah, I think men are usually fearful that the woman will present a new personality right when they've let themselves feel secure.

But I can't blame them too much because I'm (formerly)guilty of switching quick fast and in a hurry.

July 30, 2005 2:23 AM  
Blogger Bullet Proof Diva said...

sounds like he got "boomeranged"

damn

July 30, 2005 4:34 PM  

Post a Comment

<< Home