He is fighting demons, too.

So, he and I are laying in bed having pillow talk. An advertisement for that new movie "Something New" comes on. The one where Sanaa Lathan ends up dating her white gardener.

"Nope" he says while shaking his head. "Can't get with that."

"Huh?" I say? "What are you talking about?"

I knew what he meant. I just wanted him to say it.

I was so shocked that I must have been looking at him like he was crazy.
He said something about her "being with a white dude" and then said something about his dislike for Wesley Snipes "because of his refusal to date black women"...

"Ummmm. I don't think I understand...???"
He must have forgotten where he was and who he was talking to.
He just looked at me.
I think he became aware at that exact moment that I am white.
And he is black.
And he is doing everything that he hates.
I don't believe that he has ever been with a white woman before me.
I think that his emotions have him caught up, and he is unable to justify it to himself.
I think that he never saw himself in this position; his heart and his head battling.
He has no idea what hit him!
His ego vs. his libido. (Closet Owner 01/2006)

That explains alot. It really does.

It explains his anger at himself for falling into this (self-created) trap everytime.
It explains his lack of affection towards me after spending the night.
It must shock him to wake up in the bed of a white woman a few nights a week.

Maybe this means nothing, and maybe it means everything.
Only time will tell.
This has no affect on how I feel about him.

Those are his demons. That is his fight.
He needs to figure it all out.
And he will. I won't trip.

I will love him just the same.