Facing The Truth

It's amazing how someone's mood can go from chillin' to chokin' someone in the matter of an hour.

I had a good last night. I had a sleep-over guest. I fell asleep all up under him, with his lips on my face. *sigh*

This afternoon, however, I had a demon to fight. The Office of Child Support. Had to go there to sign a petition. That place, I swear, is the most depressing, humbling place there is. I hate going there. Everyone looks at you, and their eyes scream all different things. Of course, no one ever speaks. They weren't very crowded, but there was a lady in there screaming (in her cell phone) about how she was asked to take a drug test. I dunno. *shrug*

Anyway. I go back to the interview room with my social worker lady. She starts going over the petition. blah.blah.blah. been there. done that. in October of last year. It seems that they were unable to serve baby daddy. Despite the fact that I told them where to find him. Work and home. Of course, by February when they got around to my case, baby daddy's unstable ass was long gone. (I understand that our Human Service workers go thru daily shit..I read a blog that occasionally tells me this, but gahdamn..) So, the case was dismissed. huh? what? dismissed? Is that how it works? I gotta continually take time off work, to try to get money that I'll never get and this idiot is pimpin around in Ralph Lauren and Hilfiger and making babies all up in the Metropolitan Area. Go figure.

ok, back to what I was saying. So, I am talking to my social worker lady and I ask her about other cases that baby daddy might have, and how it will affect my case. I ask about custody and visitation. She proceeds to look some stuff up on her 'puter.

**I start thinking about the reason that baby daddy and I are no longer together. Not the general reason: liar, cheater, thief, but the specific reason: I found nekked pictures of some chick. Taken with my camera. On the same film as the boys first day of school. WTF?
Baby daddy was carrying them around in his brief case. mmm.hmmm. The day that I found them was the day that he was put out. Oh, sure..there were other signs. letters, that he claims were not to him. Random clothing, that he claims musta gotten mixed in with his stuff at the laundry mat. (We had a washer and dryer dumbass) . Cell phones, that I was unaware of. The list goes on and on. But the pictures did it for me. They told a story that made me open my eyes to the truth. In one of the letters that I found from his biaatch on the side, it stated something about a baby. Their baby.
Right after he moved out, the boy went for a day visit. He was 4. I told baby daddy to watch what he says and does in front of the boy. The boy is a trip and will put your business in the street. As soon as I get there, the boy starts telling me all this random shit. "my daddy told me that that's my brother in that girls tummy" he said pointing to said girl. Well, it turns out that said girl is the girl. The one that he cheated on me with for a year. The one that he impregnated while we were living together. The one that had his child. The one that later, after their demise, filed a child support case against him. The child that he denied paternity of. The child that he requested a paternity test for. The child that has his last name. And the first name (that I picked out) that would have been 'the boy's' name if I hadn't named him 'the boy'. The child that he tells me that he was found not be the father of. The child that he tells me he is not paying child support for. The child that he never sees. The child that he has no interest in. That is not his child. Period. I always thought that there is a chance that this is true. But we all know better, right? **

So.
I tell her that there was a case, but baby daddy told me they had the wrong man. Baby daddy told me that he had a paternity test and was not the father. That he was NOT that child's
father. That the case was dismissed. So social worker lady taps on her keyboard. She clicks her mouse. And then her face told me before her lips did. That baby daddy IS in fact baby daddy to this child, too, and that baby daddy is everything that I always knew he was. Liar, Cheater, Thief.

I guess it's one thing to think something is true. But it's a whole 'nother thing to hear the truth. The real truth. I just sat there. and stared in amazement at this woman. She mustave figured that she just sprung some shit on me, because she quickly told me that she can't give me any more details. This woman had just changed my whole thought process. They say the truth shall set you free. Only at that moment, I didn't feel so free. I finished my business and headed back to work.

On the way back to work, I was smokin' cigarettes like a house on fire. I had to take in my new found truth. I had so many thoughts. This is a lot for me. It took everything in me not to dial baby daddy's cell number and give him the ghetto cuss-out. I was doing some equasions in my head.. only to confirm what I have known for the past 5 years.

I talk to sexy man. I swear, this man puts things into perspective like no other. He says "Brenda, why do you even care?" I thought about it. I don't know why I care ..I just do. And he is right. Why do I care? I guess because the truth hurts sometimes, but sometimes you have to look truth square in the face and say fuck you.