I think I heard Angels sing...

I am just going to drop this post, like I have NOT been MISSING for the past half of a year.


Yep..just like that.

The first time that I saw him, I was walking to my desk. He had dealings at my job.

I wondered his nationality, he looked...ummm...Spanish, maybe? Something. Not American..
his skin was tan. He had dark hair. He was hot. Smokin. Sexy. Damn him.

He was standing on the opposite side from where I work, but he looked annoyed,
so I asked him if he needed help.

"No.." he said with his thick accent. "Someone will come..don't worry about me.."

"But I do worry about you.." I said with a smile. "That's my job!"

Well, not really. But there is nothing worse than a pissed off car dealer.

"Oh.." he said, like he was trying to flirt.."it's your job to keep me happy?"

I just gave him a smirk, and thinking to myself... I could make you happy, alright.

I saw him a few times a week, he was always at the same counter, always waiting for someone
to come help him. "Damn, these bitches!" I thought to myself.

Why is this man always waiting for someone to help him? Can't someone just..help him?

We always spoke. I always asked him if he was good. He had sexy dimples when he smiled.

One day, I was sitting at my desk. He was standing at the counter behind my desk.
"Pssssst..." he said quietly. "Can I get some help?" he whispered.
I got up and walked over to him. "Whassup sweetie?" I said. "Whatcha need?"

He just wanted to make small talk. He asked me my name, and wanted to know how long I have worked there. One of his buddies came up along side him, and they just gave each other a look.


I didn't get it.

He asked me for my number. "My cell?" I asked, confused.
"No, your number here" he said. "I don't want to call you on your cell phone, just yet" he said

"ummm...okay" I said. I wrote my work number on a piece of paper that he handed me.
"I'll call you" he said.

And he did. I didn't know what to say. I was confused as to what exactly he wanted.
I asked what I was doing later that evening.

Ahhh..I get it now..he wants to hang out!

He told me to call him later that evening and I said I would.
I didn't.

He came into work a few days later and asked me why I didn't call.
I told him that I didn't know. He said "Well, give me your cell number, I will call you!"
I rattled off my cell number. I turned away and smiled.


He called me around 5:30 that evening. He wanted to know what I was doing that night.
"Well, my son has baseball at 7." I said. "I should be done around 9:30 ish"

He said he would call me later.
He called right when the game was starting. He could hear all the kids yelling and he said that he would call me after the game. He called.
We talked for about an hour and I found out a lot about him. He is funny. He was in the US Army. He is an American Citizen. He speaks four languages. He has 2 sons that live with him. He is divorced.
His ex-wife gives him the blues. ~LOL~

I liked him. And apparently, he liked me too.

He called me the next day at work and we talked for a few minutes. He said that he would be around later that evening, if I wanted to go out. Being non-commital, as I usually am, I told him to call me and I would see.

When he called, I was laid out on the couch watching the Mets game. He wanted to come over to my place and hang out. Hmmmm..not sure if that is going to work out. I told him that my son was home, and that I just couldn't roll out like that. He said that he was coming my way, (we live about an hour apart) and that he would call when he got close.

He called and I didn't answer the phone. I couldn't. Someone was at my house.
yep. Sexy man. I was conflicted! I didn't know what to do. I called him back, and told him
some half ass story about being tired. ~whatever~ I know. I suck.

The next time he called, he got a little luckier. My son was away for the night, and he wanted me to come out. "I am already in my pajamas" I said, trying to make excuses.

"Here's what I want you to do.." he said in his sexy accent. "Get up. Get your purse. Put on some shoes, and go get in your car."

"okay.." I said. A chill ran down my legs. I did just what he asked.

We met up about 15 minutes later. When I pulled up behind his truck, he hopped out and walked to my car. He opened my door and took my hand. He shut my door and backed me up against my car. He kissed me.

And I thought I heard angels sing.

Did she say that?

Yes, I did.

I was looking thru my archives, and this is what I came up with.
Damn, I am hilarious. And I really said these things!

“He is not ready for the person that I am.
That I will always be.He could never love me.
Not ever like I would need him to.
Not then. Not now. Not ever…”

“I am just gonna roll with this. That's all I can do.
I am OK.
No tears.
No freaking out.
No "HO" been jilted behavior.
No fires. No tire slashing.
No lurking. No investigation!”

“I'm glad that I feel some jealousy.
If that makes me weak--so be it.
If that makes me insecure--so what.
I am embracing it.
It tells me that I care.
I think it's good for my soul.”

“I'll be somebody's ho--all night long--but I don't need no pimp.
period.”

“So everyone beware. The bitch in me is sleeping.
You can nudge her every now and again, but please don't wake her.
Unless you are ready to deal with her.
She's evil.”

“Did I say that I quit?
Then that's what I did.
There is no need for discussion.All decisions here are final.
Always.”

“I don't wanna work! I wanna stay in bed late, and cook and iron clothes!
And do what I want!”

“I am not that baby mama and I never will be..”

“I say that I am over it..and that I have embraced the fact that things need sun AND RAIN to grow.If there was just sun..everything would be burnt the fuck up.Rain is good.”

“It is impossible to get over someone when you open
your eyes in the morning and see them sleeping next to you.”

“We have a connection that is not that easy to walk away from.
And I am just not ready.
I'm not.”

“But right now, as much as I think I want to,I can’t forget him..
and I don’t know if I even want to try.”

"You can't be here. This is a bad idea"....
"I'm not sure what you don't understand about that.."

“Do something. Do something for me, that benefits you IN NO WAY.
Keep it real. Show me something.
He just don't care about me.”

“Give a brutha up? Nah. Not because I can't..
because I don't want to.”

That is not my job!

The boy woke me up EARLY on Christmas day. Before 7am.
"Come'on mom..GET UP! I wanna open my presents!"

I dragged myself out of bed, and went to make coffee.
Sexy man was coming for breakfast. This was the first
Christmas that we would actually be together.

He came over a little while later, and the 3 of us ate breakfast.
It was nice. After we ate, I was in the kitchen cleaning up.
"Why don't you call Papa B?" I said.
I didn't get an answer.
Sexy man was in the boys room with him.
The boy was going over his gifts, and
showing sexy man some of the video games he got.
They were in there just chatting away.

FYI..."Papa B" is the father of 'the boy'
"Papa G" is sexy man.
It's a damn shame, that even though Papa G has
only been around for a few years, that he is, in the boy's
opinion, on the same playing field as his own father.

"Ty.." I said again, "Why don't you call Papa B?"
He came out of his room and into the kitchen.
"Because I don't want to" he whispered.
"Why are you whispering?" I asked, also in a whisper.
"Because, I don't want Papa G to hear us talking about
"the father that's on my birth certificate!"

Huh?
It's like that?
Wow.

A few hours later when sexy man left, I went outside
and called baby daddy.
The phone rang, but I got his voice mail.

I left a message. "It's me...call me...bye."
I didn't hear from him the rest of the day.

The boy and I went to my Auntie's house for dinner around 4pm.
When we left at 10pm, I called baby daddy again.
This time, I didn't leave a message.
I was kinda pissed at the whole situation.
He bitches and moans constantly about not seeing the boy,
but this is the shit I get. This is always what I get.

He never called me or his child on Christmas.
Or the next day.

On the 3rd day, I woke up to the following message, left at 7am.

"Brenda. You are SO fucked up!! Lemme guess..you begged and begged
Tyler to call me on Christmas, and he refused. Why couldn't you have
MY SON call HIS FATHER on Christmas? You're such a fucking
bitch! You're so fucked up! This is bullshit. This is bullshit.
This is fucking bullshit. You KNEW I had gifts for him. Yet you
REFUSE to let me see him. On FUCKING CHRISTMAS!
You're a fucking bitch, and I will see you in court. I hope you
get to feel what it's like to not see or talk to your son.
I am filing for custody."

I take a deep breath and dial his number.

"You have a lot of nerve leaving that bullshit-ass message
on my phone." I said.

And then he started.
Basically, he said that I never called him on Christmas. At all.
Then he changed his story and said that he knew I called but,
was not answering his phone at 10pm so that I could tell
him that the boy was asleep and that he could not see him.
Then I was all kinds of bitches. Then he hung up on me.

That was yesterday, and he has not called back.
He has not made the effort to call the boy, either.
(the boy has HIS OWN cell phone, that his father is
more than welcome to call whenever he wants, it
is the boy's decision whether or not to answer)

So, as always, this is my fault.
It is my fault because I didn't MAKE the boy
call his father. (His father seems to think that "I"
should punish the boy if he refuses to make a phone call,
ummm...not happening. I choose my battles way wiser than that)

I guess it is also "my fault" that baby daddy didn't attempt
to call his own child. And for some reason, baby daddy thinks that I
should facilitate their relationship. That I should make excuses
for baby daddy whenever he lies, doesn't show up, or doesn't call.

Okay..the boy is not 3. And I used to do that shit when the boy was
small. But I decided that baby daddy needs to take responsibility for
his relationship with his child. I take care of everything.
I make sure he has a place to live.
Food.
Entertainment.
Homework done.
Gets up for school.
Eats lunch.
Is warm and safe.
Is happy.
I take care of him when he is sick.

So, now this asshole is telling me that it is ALSO my
responsibility to make sure he has a relationship with
his son? Please. That is not my job, and I won't do it.

The Vacation...the final days

We were in Key West, and I had "duty" with the boys.
Karen and Kris were going to some butterfly place.

The boys both had money, and we walked around to all the shops.
It was an interesting little place. I let the boys both buy
brass knuckles and T-shirts that said "If you see da police,
Warna Brutha" With the WB logo.

Fucking Hilarious.

I called sexy man, and we talked for about 15 minutes.
He missed me! And man, I felt a little guilty.
Okay. A lot guilty.
There was just no (good) reason for me to be doing
this shit. What the fuck? Why?
I guess only I could answer that.

Anyway, since we were only in Key West for a few hours,
the boys and I headed back to the boat after we did a little
browsing. I was tired, from the night before, and I wanted
to go to the pool and take a nap.

I saw my Farnsworth, and he told me his schedule for the
rest of the day. Damn, they just be workin a brutha to death.

We were gonna in Mexico the next day,
so we didn't make any hook-up plans.
Besides, I needed a break.

A break to get my head together.

Farnsworth worked by the pool, so I saw him all the time.
I would just watch him work, pretending to catch some rays.
Karen and Kris pretty much acted like asses when he was around,
and that of course, pissed me off. He didn't want me talking to them
about him, because he didn't want them to snitch him out.
Understandable.

We had lots of fun stuff planned in Mexico, the first day, we went
to the beach all day, and the next, we drove dune buggies all
around Mexico and then went to the beach.
We had a lot of fun and the boys loved it!
When we got back on the boat, it was time to head out to sea.
Again.

Farnsworth and I hooked-up that night. We basically kept private
things private. We didn't ask a lot of questions, but we talked
about surface shit. Daily shit. Boat shit. Work shit.

The boy woke up in the middle of the night, and was trying to
turn the light on, and we were cracking up. He turned the light
on and just stared at us, and got up and went to the bathroom, and
went back to his bed. Farnsworth smiled at me, and I poked my
finger into his dimple. He said.."I hope our kids look like him
(pointing to the boy) but have dimples like me..."

Huh?

No seriously.

What did you just say?

Lawdhammercy.

I told him, that when we get back to Baltimore, I wanted him
to get off the boat. To come live with me...to just come with me.


I was serious, but I already knew the answer..

He laughed and said that he could not do that..

Okay. You can't say that I didn't try.

The next to last night he explained that he could not come
to my room, nor could he be near my room on the last
night. Too many people running around picking up
luggage, etc.
We would have to do our final booty smacking sometime
the following afternoon..the last full day on the boat.

I saw him early that morning, when I got to the pool.
He winked and put up 1 finger and then pointed down.
1:00pm in my room.

I nodded my head.

I decided at that moment, that I was gonna ask this man
once more, to quit this fucking boat, and come home with me.
I did.
And he didn't.

We said our goodbyes. He hugged me up tight.
He said " I luvya babygurl" and I know he was telling the truth.
I didn't say anything.
I was too sad to speak.

We did not exchange numbers, or email addresses.
The last thing he said to me was "If you need to get in touch with me to
tell me the baby has my dimples...you will figure out how to, right?"

Right.

The Vacation...Scene 2

"Farnsworth Bentley" pulled out a piece of paper and a pen.
"Put your cabin number on here for me" he said in his sexy
Caribbean accent. I gave him my cabin number and drew
a big heart on it. When I handed it back to him he put his hand
to his ear and mouth saying "I'll call you"...I shrugged my shoulders
to say "when" and he put up one finger on each hand.
I guess he was saying 11 o'clock.

After we finished our drinks, we decided to get acquainted
with our new "home", afterall, we would be living here for
the next 9 days. We found the bars, the night club, and went
to visit each other's rooms. We decided to split up and then meet in
the casino in 15 minutes.

The casino is not the place I need to be. Not my unlucky ass.
But I agreed, went to my room, grabbed a few bucks and went
to wait for my friends. We lasted about 10 minutes in there.
I was not about to gamble away my vacation money. Nope.
As we were getting ready to leave, I looked at my watch.
11:15. Shit.

There was a cute little guy in the casino from
South Africa. He had a Taye Diggs look and I stopped to
talk to him. After about a minute, I saw someone out of the corner
of my eye. Farnsworth. He came to find me! ~Hilarious~
I told him I was going to my room and to call me in 10 minutes.

When I got to the room, the boy was there, in his bed watching TV.
He looked at his watch and then gave me a look, as if to say
"where have you been?" I ignored that. I laid across my bed
cuz I was sho nuff tired. A few minutes later, the phone rang.
It was my Farnsworth. "Hey ba-by gurl"
Damn. Why his voice gotta sound like that?
He asked if he could come to my room, and I said okay.
I know that this is just not allowed.
Crew members are not allowed to be in passengers rooms.
I guess it's a chance he was willing to take.

The next morning, I felt as though someone had driven a 18-wheeler
through me. My stuff hurt.
Literally. Dude turned me out.
I was up until 4am, and had to meet my friends for breakfast
at 8. When I got to the dining room I could barely sit.
Karen and Kris just laughed. I didn't have to tell them anything.
Besides, I don't talk about my sexual business. I feel like it's bad luck
and I am not a pimp. I do not want any of my friends getting too curious
about what I'm doing. Fuck fighting about some dick. I don't do that.
I would catch a fucking charge. I'd become a felon if one of my friends
tried me like that. That's just how I roll.

We basically lounged at the pool all day, I enjoyed my free drinks,
courtesy of my Farnsworth. I couldn't wait to get in bed that night.
The next day, we would be arriving at our first stop. Miami, baby!
I had never been there, and was expecting an experience.

Before I knew it, it was morning. We hung out at the pool and waited
to arrive in Miami. I was anxious to get off the boat. My Farnsworth
told me to be careful and to watch over "his son" (damn? It's like that already?)

There was transportation drama, I just wanted to shop a little and see some of
Miami. My friends, well..they have a different flavor than I do. They
wanted to pay 20.00 per person to ride some shuttle bus. Fuck that.

I called sexy man to find out what we should do. He didn't answer his phone,
but I know what he would have said anyway. We think too much alike.

I walked over to this Jamaican dude and started talking to him.
"Where should we go?..we have kids with us.." He suggested going to
Bayside to do some shopping. He also suggested that we not go to South Beach
with the boys. Although I wanted to experience that, For safety reasons,
I would rather do it without the boy. It was already dark, and I think that's just
too crazy of a scene for him. The Jamaican dude charged us 10.00 TOTAL to take
all us to Bayside in his little shuttle cab. He gave me his cell number so that I could
call him when we wanted to be picked up. When we were finished, I called him,
and he was there picking us up within 5 minutes.
That's what I'm talking about. It's good to have a personality sometimes.
Dude gave me his card.."Call me whenever you are in Miami" he said with a wink.
"Bet" I replied. We were due to leave for Key West in 2 hours. We got back on
the boat and went to deck 9 for a drink.

I ran into Farnsworth and we made plans to hook up that night.
He said that he finished work late the night before, and didn't want
to call my room that late. I told him to just call...or come...every night.
~LOL~

He was freaky, yet so passionate. I don't think there was anything that
he wouldn't do. He was all about taking care of his business. Damn.
I wanted to tell my friends SO BAD, that he was just laying it down.
That he was taking good care of their girl.
But I was not going there with them, mainly because
I know they were talking about me behind my back.
But I didn't and still don't give a damn.
Fucking Haters.

On Tuesday morning, for the second time on this trip,
my body was aching.
My stuff felt like it was on fire.
Farnsworth definitely had a thing for me.
I liked him and the things that he did to me.
He was sexy as hell with them dimples.
This was turning into a problem.

The Vacation... Scene 1

The boat was leaving at 4pm on Friday the 10th of November...
I had sexy man call me so that I could get up early and finish packing.

We were going to be gone for 9 days, and I had to
pack for me and the boy. Last year, I didn't pack
enough of the right clothes, and was pissed that I ran
out of sweats and t-shirts, so this time..I got everything covered.

Sexy man was going to drive us to the port.
It was probably a 20 minute drive,
and he wanted to leave my place by 1pm,
so he could get back to work.

I was meeting 2 of my friends once we got on the boat..
they were responsible for getting their own ride.
Sexy man, late as always, showed up around 2..
which was what I was planning on anyway....
I already had all my stuff in the car..I gave him the rundown
before we left the house..

"Shouldn't none of these bitches around here be knocking at the door...
I told them that you would be staying here,
but also let them know that I would be straight cutting bitches
when I get back." He really didn't want to be bothered with people
trying to hang out or borrow sugar, or anything else, so I let them know.

"The rent is paid..the lights, paid..the cable..paid.
Make sure you check the mail atleast
every 2 days, so Ted (the mailman) doesn't leave you any nasty notes!...
You ready to roll?"

We drove to the port, and chatted about nothing.
Man, I was going to miss him.
When we got to the port, we dropped our luggage off,
and he gave me a hug and a kiss.

"Have a safe trip, baby girl" He said with a wink.
"Have fun man" he said to the boy.

We walked to the boat. I saw my friend Kris,
and we went thru security together.
I called my friend Karen on her cell.."Where you at chick?"
"Just walking around..I'll come meet you.."

People were rude as soon as we got on the boat.
The boy and his little friend..they
were just so excited to be going on vacation,
and they wanted to see everything.
We went to get on the elevator and this old couple
made a comment about "kids jumping at them"
The boy frowned his face. "Mom..that lady told her
husband that she didn't want kids jumping at her all week"
he said and lowered his eyes
and looked in her direction. "Well maybe she wants ME to jump at her instead!"
I said loud enough for her to hear. The boy laughed.
That problem is solved, I thought.
Don't mess with me while I'm on vacation.

We went to our room. Small, just like I knew it would be,
but not a big deal.. I only sleep and shower there anyway.
I hang out when I cruise. I spend maybe
1 waking hour in the room on any given day.

After we set sail, I met my friends on deck 9.
Thats where the pool and one of the
bars were located. The 3 of us were sitting at the table,
having a smoke. One of the waiters came to our table
and asked Karen if she wanted a drink.
His accent..yeah, he had me already with that.
An Island man. Jesus.
She ordered something alcoholic and I laughed.
He turned to me and asked if I needed anything.
I thought for a minute..."Yeah, I'll take one of you"
I said it in all seriousness.
He was sexy.
He had beautiful dark skin and 2 big'ol dimples.
I checked out his name and where he was from..
St. Vincent and the Grenadines.
And his name? Well..we lovingly nick-named him
"Farnsworth Bentley"
He went to get Karen's drink.

Karen, Kris and I all gave each other the look.
We giggled.
"Goddamn, Brenda.." Karen said
"We aint even been on the boat for 4 hours
and you are already securing yourself some dick."

"Don't fucking hate!" I said.

Farnsworth brought Karen her drink. He brought one for me too..
"I got you" he wispered in my ear. "I got you this whole week"
He flashed me his dimples.
Damn. You sure the fuck do.

~More to come~

I love him..and now he knows it..

"I love you, baby" I just said softly, as I kissed him on his cheek.
His arms wrapped around me.

As soon as those words came out of my mouth, I wondered why.
I have said it to him many times..but never with so much..so much passion.
I actually meant that shit.

I had just played the big joker. No more trump cards left.
That was it. A brutha done broke this sister down.

I quickly looked up at him..he grinned and let out a laugh.
He actually looked embarassed.
But not half as embarassed as me. It just came out so freely.
Like that is what I was supposed to say at that exact moment.

I backed away from him and said "What? did I just say that?
I don't love you!--Go to work!"

I playfully pushed him out the door,
and checked him out real quick.
"Damn.." I said out loud.
He smiled at me.

He looks good today.
I bought him the tie that he was wearing and
he was rockin it like only a sexy man can!

We both laughed, but the truth is, I do love him
and if he never knew before, he knows now.