I'm sorry to say..you've been cut from the team!

Why do so many men look so confused and hurt when they hear these words:

"You've been cut from the team"

Come'on now ..are ya really that shocked? I mean let's see...

You don't show up for practice.
You play on other teams.
Your game is weak.
You forget the rules ALL THE TIME.

These guys just can't keep up with the terms of their contract. Sorry to see you go, you were a good player for a minute there...game over.

Listen to your heart...

Why doesn't your heart always do what your head tells it to?

I kind of have a rule. It's the ..once we're done, we're done.. rule. This rule comes very easy to me in most cases, because I can ride out a relationship 'till the end. I can hang around until I am so bitter, that I find it difficult to breathe the same air.

I just wait for the turning point to come..and it DOES come. It's just always too late.

So, here is this man, all apologizing and shit. Trying to do everything right, trying to make me see how much he loves me and how he cares about our relationship.

While this is going on, my head is saying..Yes, this is what I have been waiting for, and my heart is saying..Sorry, too late.

So I ask myself the question, why doesn't your heart listen?

I guess because at the beginning of a relationship, your head controls things..

But at the end of a relationship, your heart will tell the truth. Your heart feels the pain. In your head, you want this to work, you want this to be good..but your heart knows better. Your heart is not nearly as trusting.

Some say that you should follow your head..But your head plays too many games.

I say follow your heart, it may sometimes lead you in the wrong direction, but it knows when it's had enough.

What's with all the No's?

How many times do I have to hear the word "NO".

I have discovered something about myself today. I hate the word NO. As in:

Me to sexy man: Do you want to go have a drink with me?

Sexy Man: NO

LOL!

Actually it wasn't nearly that blunt, but the final answer was still "NO"

So I tell this sexy man.."I hate always hearing "NO". I don't mind a "NO here and there..but a consistent "NO"..I don't like that". He laughed. He laughs at me a lot. It wasn't a making fun of me laugh..just a kind of..do you know what you just said out loud to me.. laugh. "Oh really?" he asks. REALLY.

This is how I entered the self-discovery mode of my complete dislike for the word no.

Perhaps I am being a Drama Princess, but sometimes I think people say NO to things that they really DO want to do. They say it just for the satisfaction of hearing it come out of their mouth. I think that telling someone NO to certain things is just a power move. It basically says that I can tell you no whenever I want, and you just have to deal with it. It creates a sense of control. The word no, is so final. It's almost like once someone says no, the negotiations have ended. There is no hope for turning that no into a yes.

Maybe this is not really about just hearing no, Maybe it's more about who is saying the no, So just how many more no's am I gonna put myself through? Probably not many. I can only take so much punishment. (it's a slow jog, I swear..I am just not ready yet!)


So... to myself.. I guess, I shouldn't ask a question unless I am ready to hear NO as the answer.

And to sexy man..make sure the next time you say no, you really mean it. That no may be your last.

Can we COMMIT here?

Are the men that I meet unwilling to commit to a relationship? Or are they just unwilling to commit to a relationship with me?

I sometimes have to ask myself, Brenda..what the fuck are you doing? I usually can't give myself an honest answer. Why is it that I come across so many men that are unwilling or unable to be in a committed relationship? I can't (or don't want to) admit that the problem lies with me. I wonder sometimes if I really want and are even able to deal with a relationship. Have I accepted the harsh reality that I will remain forever single?

I think some of the answers are easy. I don't put pressure on any of my men. I let them roam about however they please. I don't MAKE them do anything. I have no demands. I take these men as they come and go, in and out of my life, as if it was a revolving door..I appreciate when they take time to make me a part of their agenda, but act as if I don't care if they don't. I don't ring their phone off the hook..I only call them if I have something important to say. I never show up uninvited or unannounced..

I am not sure what all this means. It can mean several things...it can mean that I really don't care about any of these men..I don't view them as "my man" material..(Would I really care if I never saw any of these men again?) Or it can mean that I am afraid to make demands. I have made demands before, with not very good results.. the end result was 2 times problematic...ONE: I did not get what I plainly asked for, and TWO: I was pissed that I didn't get it.

I refuse to beg for someone's time and attention...If someone wants to give me their attention, it has to be because they want to give it to me, not because I have whined and cried about it. This just causes too many resentments. I beg for NOTHING.

Well, maybe it's time to take a different approach, seeing how the old one just isn't working for me...or is it?

The Color of My Baby's Skin

Inspired by a comment on one of my favorite blogs. I knew ya'all would come..I just knew it!

I am trying to think back and remember the last time someone said something sideways to my face about my son. This is one way to make me act a complete fucking fool. Especially when it is racially motivated. It doesn't happen often, but it has happened.

Background: My son is 9. He is in 4th grade. He has a sense of humor like his momma. He is funny as hell, and he will come out the mouth with some crack-up shit. He also is very sensitive. He is just as adorable as he could be. Looks like a lighter version of his dad. His dad: Black. Me: White.

His father and I are not together. That's another story.

I hate to define anyone by the color of their skin. That is just not me. So, why do people of all races have to hate on my choices. I know this is going to get some people in a fucking uproar. Why do people judge so harshly..I am sure that there are many answers to this. From many perspectives.


Last winter, my son and I go to the grocery store. We are coming in the store, and it's cold outside. Not snowing, but cold. My son left his coat in the car. It was not a big deal.

Older white lady to her friend: "That child doesn't have a coat on..is THAT his mother??"
her white Friend: "that's how THEY are"

Just who the fuck is "they" ?? I swear to god, I almost went the fuck off. Sometimes I have to refrain from acting an ass in front of my son,...this clearly was one of those times. I knew this was going to turn into a racial thing. It was inevitable. So, I just went about my business. Grrrrrr.


Maybe I am not aware some things that I need to be aware of being a white mother raising a bi-racial child in a cruel world. While reading one of my favorite blogs, someone commented that white mothers tend to teach their mixed children that they are something "other than black".

That got me thinking...

Do I need to teach my son that he is black? Is that my responsibility as a white mother? Is he that different that it needs to be pointed out? Why do people think that it's impossible for a white mother to PROPERLY raise a bi-racial child? Yes, there are some obstacles. But for the people that don't know me..you just don't know. For someone to judge my parenting skills because I am white and my son is not...oh, you just don't know. You really don't. You don't know where I have been, and what I have been through and how I live my life. Trust me. You have no idea.

So for all you haters out there..peep this: I am not raising him to be white or black. HEAR ME: I AM NOT DOIN' IT!! I am raising him to be honest, caring, polite, and a good person. I am teaching him right from wrong. I am teaching him that life is not always fair. People are not always nice. There is good and bad in everyone. There are assholes out there. You can't change people. There are bitches and ho's out there. Watch out for them. People will use you if they can. That some people lie, cheat, and steal.

All of these things are out there..no matter if you are white or black. Period.

So..for anyone who feels the need to question my choices...as a parent and as a person...
Get the fuck over yourself.
Please.

My Motor Vehicle Administration DRAMA!

I have all my CAR mail sent to my mothers address..this has turned out to be an issue because I get my mail from there once every 3 months. It is given to me, or sent via my brother/his wife in a plastic grocery bag. The last mail drop was 2 weeks ago. In my plastic bag was 3 important mailings from the Motor Vehicle Administration (going forward known as MVA) that have been collecting dust at my mothers house for 3 months.

(1) A notice stating that my tags are suspended.
(2) A notice stating that my tags need to be renewed by the end of the month.
(3) A notice stating that I need to renew my drivers license.

This my friends is my MVA DRAMA!

It is the last day of the month. And a Monday. What else should I have expected??

I get there at 10:00. I get in the line for "Drivers License Information" I tell the clerk that I need to renew my drivers license. They give me a number. Number 124. I look at the number counter thingy. They are on number 4. Jesus!

Next, I go to the "Registration Information" line. There are like 10 crillion people ahead of me. I am like..there are a lot of people in the information line...well, guess what? I was in the wrong line..for like 15 minutes. Once I realized this, I get into the right line, with a good 40 people ahead of me.

I get to the clerk and I say..."I have an insurance violation..." (translation: I didn't pay my insurance, and they cancelled it, and they wouldn't reinstate it, so I had to go to another insurance company, and there was a period of 7 days that I was uninsured) ..."and I need to renew my tags." Well, after the clerk looked at me like I was the biggest piece of uninsured motorist shit in the world, she gave me a number to go to the "document review" station. My number..34. The number they were on? 12. So..after waiting to see the clerk, only to be informed that I am short on my paperwork, and I need to call my current insurance company and have them fax the proper documents to the clerk, OR..I can't renew my tags. SO. I spend $1.50 to call 411 from my cell phone, and I talk to them and they will fax the correct paper over. (This was not my fault, they sent me insufficient information the first time)

I go back over to the license station. They are on number 90 something. SO I WAIT, and WAIT, and WAIT. I notice this man staring at me. Like HARD. And I HATE THAT! So, he finally comes over and asks me if he can use my pen. He has a thick accent..and you know me...I give him that..whatever the fuck...look..like, you need a pen motherfucker? Right.
I give stalker guy my pen, and he never writes anything. so I say..give me back my pen..and he does. So I am sitting there, and they call my number. I go up, and I tell them proudly, that I have grown 2 inches since I was 15 years and 9 months old..which is when I got my learners. That puts me at 5'6 thank you very much. I mumble..everything else is the same... She said your address is the same? YES, I say. (even though I haven't lived there in 15 or more years..my moms address still) Eye test: Ahhhhh..I told you bitches I have perfect vision..LOL!..(previous post: "my "friends" and my men")
So, after forking over 30 bucks..I have a new license. My picture is fucking fabulous. I look like a mommacita with an afro. Whatever.

I turn around and bump into stalker guy. I think ...What the fuck..I may have even said it out loud. He was asking me something..and I am thinking..I am at MVA. This is not the time for this shit. Finally, I say in true Brenda sarcasm,... "what exactly do you want again?" LOL! He didn't get it. I didn't think he would. I kept walking, I was on an MVA mission.

I go back to the clerk to take care of my insurance violation..."mmm.mm.mmm." she says with attitude. This can't be good, I think. "$150.00, is your fine.." she says ..Okay, I think..I know this is only for 1 car..I slid under the radar for the other one ..I smile. I finally got over on fucking MVA! ..."per car.." she announces. SO..GET THIS..SHE GETS OUT A CALCULATOR. to add $150 x 2..oh boy, this is our tax dollars hard at work! SO, I get in line to pay my fine. I take a deep breath and write out my check. I feel a stalker lurking. I look over my shoulder, and there is stalker guy. He smiles at me. Christ. I roll my eyes at him. I ask him.."Don't you have anywhere to be?" He looks confused, but he leaves. Thank god.


I head over to tag renewal. This line is like 10 miles long. by this time, it is approaching 1:30. I feel like leaving at this point. But do I feel like doing this again anytime soon? My tags expire at midnight. I think..fuck it, I will just do this shit. So, I wait. in line. and then there is a break thru. There is an announcement that says, I can go to the managers office to renew my tags. I look for the managers office. There is no one in line. I go over there. They take my paperwork and disappear. I pay $128.00 for tag renewal. The lady comes back and tells me that she is done. That they will mail my stickers to me...to the address provided...my mothers. GREAT, I think.

I finally leave MVA at 2:15. Mission accomplished. Total amount spent: the better part of 450 goddamn dollars..but the good news?? I am no longer a MVA violation..I can feel free to speed about without any worries.