Random shit that prevented me from sleeping last night.

Last night I was up until 2:15 AM. I had so much shit on my mind, I couldn't fall asleep. I usually use the time right after I get in bed to reflect, plot and plan. I also use this time for my dreams that I want to make a reality.

So, here are the things that are going on in my head.

(1) Yesterday, I believe that sexy man bumped his muhfukkin head 40 times.
He talked to me like I was an idiot.
That is one thing that I will call someone out in a minute for. Don't fuckin talk to me like Imma stupid ass--when you know damn well I'm not. Ok, some people don't know yet, but HE KNOWS and that shit is unacceptable. I think he felt bad, because I reacted immediately. I narrowed my eyes and turned and walked away. He tired to back peddle so fast, but it was too late. I kept walking and put my "shut the fuck up" hand up.

(2) Shopping for the boy has proved to be...let's just say...a challenge. He had like $1500.00 worth of snowboarding shit on his list. Um. NO. Not Happening, little one. So, last night he gives me a "revised" list. Jesus. How the fuck am I supposed to get all this shit before Christmas? Damn. He did ask for a video camera. Yes, a video camera, like he's grown. I left that for Daddy-O. I hope that he comes thru for the boy. I hate to leave such an important task up to BabyDaddy, but damn. He has to do something.

(3) I finally answered the phone. "The Other One" has been calling for a month. I have not answered any of his calls, because he be talking that bullshit, and I am pissed off for that shady shit he did. (See post: Play lotto, don't play me)
He completely missed the point why I was mad. He called me "caught up" and "jealous" and I was like, Um. Muhfukka, I did not answer your calls for a month. Does that sound "caught up" to you. Um.NO. He came over and fell asleep on my couch. He called the next day and told me he was "done with me" then called back 2 minutes later and wanted to come over. I said, DID YOU DIAL THE WRONG NUMBER?
~LOL~ He is a mess.

(4) The boy get his skilz from his mama. Tell me why the boy walked down to the deli across the street from our complex with 4 dollars. I told him to get a loaf of bread, and that he could have the change. This boy comes back with: bread, a soda, chips, a pack of gum, a candy bar, and a Redskins skully. Come'on Man.
He tells me that the lady at the deli said that he could pay her next time. WTF?
I was like "BOY" Don't do that shit, The next time I go to the deli and have to pay thirty dollars for a gallon of milk, I'm gonna be pissed. Don't be shopping at the deli on credit." He just giggled and kept it moving. God, I love him.

(5) I had a sleep over the other night. At 4am, I hear the boy LOUDLY question:
"Why are you sleeping with HIM??" ~LOL~ It seems that the boy woke up and wanted to get into bed with me, but sexy man was occupying his spot. When I realized that the boy was mostly still sleeping, I moved over and made room for him. He fell right back to sleep, and stayed there till morning. Sexy man never commented on it, so I guess he wasn't too freaked out. The boy remembers nothing. Thank god for the sandman.

Diversity

On Tuesday of last week, I was informed by the powers that be at my job, that I was scheduled for a "diversity class" on Friday. What the fuck is that all about? I just had to wonder. Does anyone at this job know me at all? I am just about one of the diverse people that I know.

Friday morning, I arrive at the class. There was about 30 people there. I was one of the first..LOL..I am usually 5 minutes late for work every day, and my boss told me to please PLEASE be on time. So, I figured that if I was late, someone would probably throw me under the bus, so I got there early. They were serving breakfast so we all went into another area to eat. All the girls kinda sat together.

When I get in the class, I go sit near the front. I usually have a lot to say, so I like to be near the front so that I can be seen and heard. There was a group of sista's that I know pretty well that were there, and they ended up sitting in the back. After everyone found a seat, the guy teaching the class came in. He was a tall black guy, but I could tell he was not American. He had a slight hint of an accent, and I was trying to figure out in my head where he was from. I guessed he was a Trinni. And I later found out, I was indeed correct.

When he came into the room, he had a look of disappointment on his face. When I looked around at our self appointed seating arrangement, I understood why.
All the whites were sitting together, and all the blacks were together.
So much for diversity, I thought.
I could have sat with anyone..it wouldn't have mattered to me, it just so happened that the white guys (that I also am friendly with) happened to sit at my table. Some people knew each other, others didn't. I knew every person in the room. I get around like that!

So, the instructor started moving everyone around. People started laughing when I was asked to go sit in the back with the sistas. One of them said.."excuse me, but you aren't doin' nothin' by movin' her back here!" Everyone chuckled. I even laughed, because it was true. I am comfortable around everyone. It was not a big deal.

The class was interesting. And at times BRUTAL. There was a movie that we watched, called "The Eye of the Storm" You can watch it HERE. It was way, WAY back in the day. I believe it was the day after The Reverand Dr. Martin Luther King, Jr. was murdered. It was filmed in Iowa, and it was a VERY interesting film. A white teacher decided to show her white 3rd grade students what it felt like to be discriminated against. She was later fired for this.

We then were asked to leave the room. When we came back, there were "titles" written across the board. They were African-American, White Female, White Male, Hispanic, etc.
We were then asked to write specific stereotypes about each of these groups of people. After we were done, we then had to find "group" and stand under our stereotypes and read what society as a whole thinks about us. That was the brutal part.
It was horrible.
It was sad.
It made me upset.

We told some personal stories, where we felt discriminated against. I almost told my story about that bitch from the cruise that I was about to catch a charge for, but changed my mind. That is too personal, and I didn't want to stir up any shit.

After the class, I was approached by the instructor. It seems that he is interested in having me teach some diversity classes at my company. I have to be trained first, but I think I can handle it...Only problem, I am afraid to talk infront of people. It scares the shit out of me, and takes my breath away. I don't know anyone that does public speaking....except...THIS CHICK!!...
She is the only person that reads my blog anyway.

So, Tee...Holla at your girl and send a sista some speaking tips or I swear,
I will choke on my words.

I guess, that we all have something to learn about diversity. I am by no means perfect. But I am getting there, and I am willing to teach others how to get there too. And that's not so bad.

He Just Don't Care About Me.

I wonder how many times I have to say this before I start to believe it.
I mean really believe it. It makes me sad, to have such a revelation.
It's horrible, when you realize that the person that you like so much and
would do anything for just don't give a shit about you.

They talk a good game. But that shit isn't enough.
Do something.
Do something for me, that benefits you IN NO WAY.
Keep it real. Show me something.

He just don't care about me.

So I will keep telling myself this, until I believe it in my heart..
And then.

I will be gone.

Fucked Up. In more ways than one.

I am not sure how I feel about this, because of how I feel about him.

I should be pissed and done with him. But it takes me a lot to get to that with someone.
I have lots of patience with men that treat me badly.

So, it went down like this…

Last night was my work Holiday Party. I am on the Employee Activity Committee so I was responsible for certain aspects of the party planning.
I decided to get a photographer to take prom like pictures. It was kind of/sort of a joke...but the committee thought it was a great idea.

Last year, my sexy man date took pictures all through the Holiday Party. He is a contracted employee for my company but his role there makes him a very visible and well known person. Everyone was shocked that we were there together, and even more shocked that my drunk ass said “we have a room here!” (The party was at a hotel)
Anyway. He sent the pictures out to everyone the following Monday. He is also a photographer, and a very good one. He does weddings, sporting events, and private sittings.

Everyone on the committee wanted to know if he was going to be my date again this year, because they wanted free photograpgy and I told them no. Last years party is when all our work/are we dating/are we fucking drama started. As I knew it would. The committee decided to get me to ask sexy man if we could pay him to take the photographs this year. I told them that he would do it and told him later that he was doing it. It was decided that he would stay from 7:30 till 9:30. He was okay with it, because I think he really wanted to come to the party with me, but didn’t want the drama. He knew that I would be there, and probably near him the entire night. He told me that he had somewhere else to go afterward and that he would not be staying the entire night. I wanted to get a room, because last year I got pretty drunk and figured that even though I live 10 minutes from the hotel, I wouldn’t have to worry about getting home if I drank too much. But because we didn't want anyone to see us leaving in the morning together, we decided not to get a room. --and besides--he told me he had somewhere to go after the party.

He got there late, because he got stuck at work, and by the time he arrived, I had already had 3 drinks. I AM NOT A DRINKER. I drink on occasion…But I can throw ‘em back. And I was.
He needed me to help him set up a little, which I did. I was well on my way to drunked-ness. I got him a drink whenever I got myself one. He said they weren’t very strong, so I started ordering us doubles. He probably had 3 drinks. And then, there was me…It was open bar and I was taking advantage of that! He was taking pictures in the mingling/bar area..the people I work with are HILARIOUS! Some of those pictures…
I had a few taken of me and the girls that I work with. I think I was in damn near every picture.
I was starting to feel the likka.
I am a funny ass drunk. I giggle a lot.
I got jokes. I am a sexual mess.
No, make that a sexual train wreck.
I have no damn discretion what I say, or to who.
I think I even told one of my co-workers that he had a nice ass. ~LOL~

The party was to end at 11pm. By 10, I was done. Or should have been. I got another drink. Sexy man and I were checking on each other all night..everyone assumes that we are together, and I am tired of defending that. I just let them think what they want. I understand why the do, and I would think the same thing if it were another chick and him behaving the way we do..

I walked up to him and started giggling. He asked me if I was alright. I just laughed. He knew I was drunk. He said…”Why don’t you stop DRINKING and SMOKING and SIT THE FUCK DOWN somewhere!” ~~LOL~~

“OK” I tell him. So..I go to the bar, get a drink, walk past him, hold it up to show him and head for the door to go have a smoke. ~LOL~ He knows how much of a smart ass I am and he just shook his damn head at me.

I don’t know where I was, or who I was talking to, or how long I was gone, but I went back out to the area where he was, he was packed up and ready to leave. He was looking for me to tell me he was leaving. Our conversation went like this:

Him: I am leaving, baby..I gotta go!

Drunk me: You’re gonna have to take me home.

Him: When?

Drunk me: Now.

Him: I got somewhere to be.

Drunk me: OK, well, drop me off…and keep my car..I don’t care…

Him: Baby, I told you before… I have somewhere to be…

He started walking backwards towards the exit, watching me the entire time.

I slowly put my hands up..it looked like a sad, hurt version of what the fuck? I know my face was frowned. It was non-verbal ‘what should I do?’ And this asshole waved his hand at me. As if to say ‘bye’...
"I'll call you..." he said and he turned his back and went out the door.

I immediately got my purse, and jacket. I picked up my cell phone and called his number. He didn’t answer. I laughed in spite of that. Mostly because I was just too drunk to do anything else. I dialed him again. He didn’t answer. I started walking to the door myself.
I too, was leaving.

I am walking thru the parking garage, and I stopped to take my boots off (??)
Some dude starts to holla at me. My drunk ass stops to listen to him spit game at me.
He's a doctor..he is here for an interview..He has a room at the hotel and suggests that I come up because I was too drunk to drive. For a split second, it sounded like a good idea. I may have even agreed to it. I can’t exactly remember. I don’t remember his name, but he was nice..EVEN HE knew I shouldn’t be driving.

About 5 minutes later, sexy man called my cell. He wanted to know where I was.
In my car, I tell him. He seriously didn’t understand. He wanted to know why I didn’t stay inside. “GO BACK INSIDE” he said. “Go to the bar in the hotel. Get some coffee. Stay there for a while. Then drive home. You know everyone will be going to the bar…”

And he was probably right. But AGAIN..I WAS DRUNK! And I wasn’t thinking.
The dude, went to get something from his car..and I drove the fuck off. That was a drunk ass move on my part. LOL! I did not want to be in that position. I did not know this fucker..he could be on some killer type shit or something. I was not even gonna go there. Any sense that I did have, told me to just go home. AND I DID.

I called sexy man on my way home, I don’t know what for, but he didn’t answer his phone. I don’t understand him…

I called him when I got home, this time from my home phone. I wanted him to know that I was home. He didn’t answer. I left him a message. I have never left him a message before..I tell him, I only leave messages if I have something important to say. I guess this was important.

“Hey. I AM HOME! Yep, I made it home. I am alive. Your.girl.is.ALIVE! Since you were so concerned about my safety, I wanted to let you know I made it. I love you! And I am going to sleep.” I hung up.

I have not heard from him all day today.

Not until today do I realize the magnatude of what happened.
Not until today do I realize that this motherfucker don't care about me.

I am pissed. I am hurt. I don’t know how I feel about him after last night.

How do you do that to SOMEONE? ANYONE?
But especially someone that you care about?

How do you refuse to take a drunk person home—10 minutes—not even out of your way—ON YOUR WAY??

Was he confused about what I was doing or is that just me making excuses for him?
Was that my punishment?

I see it as a big FUCK YOU from sexy man. How is anything that he had to do, more important than my life? MY LIFE?

It is clear to me that I should not have driven home, and I had too much to drink. I take full responsibility for that. But shit happens. And you depend on other people to help you thru shit like this.

I called 5 of my friends. I called Marvin. I KNEW I needed a ride. I ASKED a person, THE ONE PERSON in this world that I would do damn near anything for, to do me 1 fucking favor. To make sure that I get home safe. And he flat out told me NO? He turned his back on me, and I would never, ever do that to him.

That’s some fucked up shit. That’s REAL fucked up.
And I don’t know if I can get past it.

I might have been fucked up--but what he did was more fucked up.

I cried at work

I hate to cry.

My face gets all streaked, my make-up runs, and my eyes turn green. Yes, green--instead of people asking me "what's wrong?" they say.."why do your eyes look that way?"~ LOL~
I get tired, and just drained.

I don't cry often, because my feelings can't be ever hurt more than they have by baby daddy--nothing compares to that, and I guess I am sort of de-sensitized to emotional pain.
But let me get mad, or frustrated
--with no outlet for those emotions--
and the tears will start spilling.
I am a silent crier. A sniffle here or there--but that's about it.

So Friday, at work--I had enough.
Enough bullshit. Enough stress. Enough complaining. Enough hard work.

As I sat at my desk, my cheeks burned from the hot tears that fell--onto my desk and papers--and I couldn't make them stop.

There was no specific reason for this but there were many reasons.. It was embarrassing--and I was out of control. When they finally stopped, as soon as someone spoke to me, they started again..And again..I think I cried all damn day. It made my head pound more than it already was.

I was fine again--until--
Sexy man calls--"Everything alright?" he wants to know...

"Yeah--fine" my voice starts to crack. I can even talk to him...
"lemme call you back" I tell him.

I get myself together and call him back.
I could barely hear myself speak I was talking so quietly.

I told him that I was having a bad day and left it at that--I appreciate that he knows that I don't play them stupid ass games--that I really didn't want to talk about it. And I didn't. And he knew it.
So he let me be.

I can't do this crying thing ever again..It's just way too much drama.
Especially while I am at work.