Paralyzed By Fear-and-my 6th Sense again--

So, I had other crap to talk about~~ but something happened last night that scared the hell outta me.

Several of us (and the kids, too) went to Marvin's and Sexy man's softball game last night..The game lasted until 10ish and we got home @ 10:30. We all went to my place for coffee, and a smoke.

One of my girlfriends, KJ, remembered that she had somewhere to be early in the morning, and forgot the paperwork to know where to go. She is in the Army, and stationed at the base nearby, so she went home, changed into her jammies, and rode up to the base.

My other girlfriend and I went outside to smoke. We saw KJ ride by a few minutes later.
Well, sexy man was gonna come by, so I went inside to get the boy situated and in bed.
About 10 minutes later, my other friend, MK called. She told me that she had the boy's backpack at her house, and there was important stuff in his folder. School pictures were being taken (the next day) and that she would "meet me half-way"...if I wanted to come get it.

"No"..I said quickly..So quickly, It made us both laugh.

"Why???" she wondered..

"I dunno...." I said. "I feel creeped out..." "I don't wanna be outside..." "I'll get it tomorrow..."
She chuckled and said.."You're Weird!"

I.SWEAR.TO.GOD. not 10 minutes later, While talking to MK on the phone, I hear someone pounding on her door like a MAD PERSON.

It was our friend KJ. She was crying, screaming, and trying to talk all at the same time. I heard her say something about a GUN. MK told me she would call me back.

I went and locked all my doors, and made sure the windows were closed and locked. I checked the patio door. I went in my room. Got my .38, went to the kitchen, counted out 6 bullets. and loaded that bitch up. I called Marvin and told him I was afraid. That I didn't know what was going on, but I was scared. He told me he would come over. I told him no. That I was scared for him too.

MK called me back and told me that KJ had been robbed at gunpoint. They put a fucking gun to my girl's head. They told her to drop her purse or they would blow her fucking head off. She did. And they didnt hurt her. They were young. They had on masks. They had a gun. They were scary. They called each other "Dawg". They laughed.
She had 2 dollars. TWO FUCKING DOLLARS.

I called sexy man and told him not to come around..I don't want anything happening to him. STAY HOME, I told him.

So, I need a smoke, but afraid to go near the door or windows. I sat on my couch, with the boy. He was asleep. I was scared. Paralyzed. I couldn't think. What if...

What if they shoot out my patio door?
What if they kick my door in?
What if they....

I sat on the couch, loaded gun in hand. I was on "watch"....no punk ass thieving ass motherfucker is coming up in here...

I think I fell asleep around 3 am. I woke up this morning, not so scared. But I will be scared all over tonight, and the next night, and the next.

On my way to work, I started thinking..what if that had been me? I wudda dropped my purse in a heartbeat, too. Fuck that. Take the shit. But what if I had the boy with me..and something like that happened? What would he do?

Should he run, and possibly get shot, shot at, or chased and hurt?
Should he stay by my side? And endure what I have to?
Should he listen to the people trying to rob or hurt us? Or should he listen to his mother?

He probably wouldn't do anything, unless I told him to.
He too, would be afraid.
We can't live that way.
My friend is okay, thank God. But this will affect her for the rest of her life.
Untrusting. Afraid. Paralyzed.
By Fear.

The Drama that Wasn't

I knew it would happen sooner or later. The dog that I am. It was inevitable.

I just wish it was later than sooner. It was unexpected, and I was unprepared.

My two men. crossing paths. Fuck.

There have been instances where there was a small possibility that it would happen. But it never did. And lucky for me, it didn't happen last night. But ALMOST. And jeez..I was a mess.

You think I would have taken it easy after I was almost exposed on Monday. Of all places, at my friend Marvin's. I have mentioned before that Marvin and "the other one" are "boys".
I met "the other one" thru Marvin.

Sexy man..and Marvin..well, not really "boys" in that sense, I introduced them and they have had their male bonding...they are straight...

Sexy man..well, you know what's going on after the whole hit in the head thing..He has been hanging out on the regular. (LOL)

So, Marvin is a Dallas fan. We are basically in Redskin territory. Well technically Redskin/Raven territory..but whatever. So Marvin has a "party" at his place on Monday, for the game. And I invited Sexy Man. I told Marvin that I was inviting him..and he was like..a'ight.
It was a small gathering..just the crew from the hood.

I am sitting on the couch watching the game, and I hear the door open and shut.
*Silence* everyone that was talking..just stopped. I looked up, and there was "the other one"
coming to hang out and watch the game. Marvin and I looked at each other like WTF? "the other one" went in the other room and everyone just stared at me. It was the whole "what the fuck are you gonna do" scene. I just shrugged my shoulders. What could I do? Marvin asked me if sexy man was coming, and at that point, I didn't know. He ended up not coming..tired from his trip and flight.

So last night..Sexy man and I had definitive plans for a sleepover. He had to work late and run some errands..I was expecting him late..but I was expecting him. Around 11:15pm.."the other one" started calling. and calling. and calling. This fool even called my cell, which he never does..he didn't leave a message, he just kept ringing the fucking phone over and over. It made me uncomfortable, and edgy. And pissed. I was certain, that his ass would just show up. All my common sense left my brain, because I couldn't think..I had no idea what to do. I felt like a prisoner in my own damn crib. *smdh*

About 15 minutes pass, and he starts calling again. and again. and again. He finally leaves a cryptic message, saying that he needs to "talk to me about something..it's important. CALL ME BACK." Okay player. damn. Bullshit. but okay. I call him. He wants to come over. Fuck.
"Nah, baby. Not tonight." I tell him. He tells me he is coming anyway. He hangs up the phone.

SHIT! He WILL come. I started to panic. I can't have this crap! I think for a few minutes..and then work it only like I can.

FukkIT! let'em come! Let'em both come. Let both of them get their feelings hurt. Let them fight about it. Let them figure it out. I can not control what others do. I can't.

So, I get up, unlock the door. And wait. I wait to see who the first one thru the door is. LOL! What else can I do? I ain't no motherfuckin' punk. It has to work itself out on it's own.
Don't get it twisted--this is MY shit! It has my name all over it. But there is nothing that I can do with a hard-headed CAUGHT UP fool.

I laid on my bed. And closed my eyes. And crossed my fingers. And waited.

"Baby.." I hear him say.

I feel a chill run down to my toes.
I sigh.
It's my sexy man.
Thank God.
Oh, did I mention...that I love him?

Broken Soul?

Damn. I guess this explains it. Who wudda ever known?
Your soul is broken.
You are living through a lot of pain everyday
that you have to deal with, which is making you
sorrowful. No one ever stays by your side when
you truly need them and no one ever will.
Everything is hopeless and tragic and you keep
yearning for the day you will be free from
pain. Love is unlikely to happen to you because
you isolate yourself and are suspicious of
peoples motives. You stand in the shadows of
the world, watching what you can never have.
The bruises you carry never seems to heal, your
mind is dark and no one seems to understand or
wants to help. As always, you will be alone in
the world, fighting your dark thoughts by
yourself.

How is your soul?

I hope it is better than mine. How very sad this is.
To think..my soul is broken. I guess I'm not really
all that shocked.

A softer side to my sexy man?

Sheeeeeeeeeeeessss Baaaaaaaaaaa ack!

Labor Day Weekend..Sexy man was away playing in a softball tournament. In another state. After the long weekend, and him being away, I looked forward to see his smiling grill on Tuesday.

But it didn't quite work out that way..instead..I didn't see him at all.

I called him on his cell..no sexy man. I peeked my head in where his office is..door shut. light off. no sexy man to be found. What the fuck? Sexy man never takes the day off..not without telling me.

I went to my friend Marvin's softball game Tuesday night. I didn't take my cell phone with me, so that I could watch the game in peace. I love watching sweaty men play ball..it's just so damn sexy! When I get home, sexy man had called..not once, but 3 times. What the hell? Damn. I guess he needs to talk about something. I lay across the couch and get ready to call him. I can't dial fast enough, I guess..because I hear that familiar ring.."baby turn around and let me see that sexy body go bump. bump. bump." LOL! I answer.

"What are you doing.." he says, more like a statement than a question.

"Laying on the couch", I say.."what are YOU doing?"

"Laying on the couch" he says. We both laugh.

"Are you sick.." I say. also more like a statement than a question.

"Noooooooo" he says

"Are you hurt"? I say..and chuckle. Thinking that he's not.

Silence.

"ARE YOU?" I ask with concern..I sit up on the couch.

"WHAT HAPPENED?" I say. because I know the answer already. He is hurt.

It seems that sexy man got hit by a speeding softball. right. in. his. face.

He tells me that he is okay. Alive. In pain. Jacked up.
I want him to come get in bed with me. I want to make him feel better.

He won't come, he says, because his face is fucked up.
I tell him that I don't care about his face.

"You don't?" he says...and I really don't.
And at that moment, things changed.

He didn't come over. But I saw him the next day. and later that night.

He is different.
Different towards me.
He seems to have a "thing" for me.
He is not so edgy.
Not so rough when he talks to me.
But that is him.
That edginess and roughness is who he is.
I love that about him.
But I also am glad that I have seen the softer more gentler sexy man.

If I knew that alls he needed was to be bashed in the head to act right, I would have done it long ago.