He is fighting demons, too.

So, he and I are laying in bed having pillow talk. An advertisement for that new movie "Something New" comes on. The one where Sanaa Lathan ends up dating her white gardener.

"Nope" he says while shaking his head. "Can't get with that."

"Huh?" I say? "What are you talking about?"

I knew what he meant. I just wanted him to say it.

I was so shocked that I must have been looking at him like he was crazy.
He said something about her "being with a white dude" and then said something about his dislike for Wesley Snipes "because of his refusal to date black women"...

"Ummmm. I don't think I understand...???"
He must have forgotten where he was and who he was talking to.
He just looked at me.
I think he became aware at that exact moment that I am white.
And he is black.
And he is doing everything that he hates.
I don't believe that he has ever been with a white woman before me.
I think that his emotions have him caught up, and he is unable to justify it to himself.
I think that he never saw himself in this position; his heart and his head battling.
He has no idea what hit him!
His ego vs. his libido. (Closet Owner 01/2006)

That explains alot. It really does.

It explains his anger at himself for falling into this (self-created) trap everytime.
It explains his lack of affection towards me after spending the night.
It must shock him to wake up in the bed of a white woman a few nights a week.

Maybe this means nothing, and maybe it means everything.
Only time will tell.
This has no affect on how I feel about him.

Those are his demons. That is his fight.
He needs to figure it all out.
And he will. I won't trip.

I will love him just the same.

Little Girl Lost

I just got done reading an amazing post. You can read it HERE! (He Got Served)

I am so proud of my girl!

It’s funny, because I don’t really have friends that do things to make me think as hard as this.

To think~wow~ that must have been a difficult thing to do.
To think yikes! I can't believe she had the courage to do that!
Most of my friends are usually doing DIRT, while all blog worthy, nothing like this.

The hate of a baby daddy. There is nothing like it. But some of us will never ever have to live our lives being afraid.
Afraid of him.
Afraid of what he may do.
Unsure just what exactly he is capable of.

She has started to fight her demons. Yeah, I fight demons too, but they are different.
She is starting to believe in herself. And not worry so much about what other people think.
She is starting to realize that she is a wonderful person. I will continue remind her every day.
She is moving forward with her life, without having fear in her heart.
I admire her so much. I wish I had the strength that she has.
She has so much. She is so talented. She's a great mom.
She is no longer "little girl lost"~she is finding her way with a vengeance.

While I have never met her, I know her thoughts, fears and dreams.
One day, she will be as great to everyone as she already is to me
I love her, and I am privileged to be able to call her my friend.

Full Circle

It amazes me how things come full circle.


It's almost as if I am being tested.
Actually I am being tested and I don't know why. If you have read my other posts: "Play Lotto" and "Fucked Up"--you will see that I was upset about some things that were done to me, by people that are supposed to care about me.

I was pissed about both incidents, and wondered if I could ever treat anyone that way.
Well.
I can.
Without hesitation.
Of course, the circumstances were somewhat different, but the final result was the same.
Sort of.

So, to start off 2006, here are the 2 tests that came my way:

Test #1 When we all left to go out on New Year's Eve, everyone in my group knew what the plan was. Yeah, when you have to deal with a bunch of chicks getting ready to have a night out, there is always some lateness involved.

But, my thing is this: We all have cars. We all know how to get where we are going.
When I am ready to leave, and you want to ride with me, you also must be ready.
And when I am ready to leave the place that we are at, you need to bring your ass on.
Simple, right?

Not.so.much.

When I was ready to leave, one of the girls --ALWAYS--needs to act like she is running shit. This would be the same bitch that was pushing up on "The Other One"--My patience with her are already limited, and she want to play games about when she is coming outside to the car.
So I pulled off without her.

Without hesitation.

She called my cell before I got out of the complex, and told me she was outside, so I circled back to pick her ass up. This bitch was not outside. She almost got left again, but I saw her ass running thru the breezeway. We drove to our spot, which is 3 minutes from where we live. We no sooner got there, and this bitch started acting like she ain't got no fuckin sense.
She looked and acted drunk. And I soon realized that she was just that.
She gets drunk by smelling likka.
She had nothing to drink at the bar.
She is one of those people that have NO BUSINESS drinking.
She is NASTY, and VIOLENT, and ANNOYING.
She wasted no time being all of the aforementioned.
She could not keep her hands to herself, falling all over the place and grabbing anyone that was in her reach.
She dug her nails into my skin.
Enough was enough.

I quickly cussed her ass out and told her that if she grabbed me again, that I would knock her the fuck out. She spent the rest of the night in the bathroom. Crying, throwing up or whatever she was doing. Not cute, and I really didn't care, it was not my job to watch her.
And I refused to.

When it came time to go, I sent one of the other girls in to get her.
"Go tell that bitch that I am ready to go, and to come the fuck on..."
She came back and said "She said she needs 20 more minutes.."
"ummmm. Nope!" and I left.
I left her at the bar.
I just thought, let her ass catch a cab.
This is not my problem, and I am not watching no grown ass woman.

Yes, wrong on so many levels.
But damn.

I found out later that this chick had 2 drinks before we left to go out.
2 fucking drinks. And was acting a complete fool.
I told her today that she will NEVER ride anywhere with me again.
and I mean that shit.

Test #2

One of the girls that went out with us, brought a manfriend along. She met him less than a month ago, and has told us many times that they are just friends. He has somewhat of a shady past, but all that aside, they kick it a few times a week. He seemed like a nice guy but very thug. Too thug.
Not at all my type, and I didn't give him a second thought.

So why on Monday afternoon, is this thug muhfukka ringing my phone?

He tells me who he is, and the purpose of his call.
He knows he's wrong.
He knows he's creeping. And he knows that shit is not cool.
He wants to "hook up" because I am more his type, and it "looks" like I can do more for him than my friend. That they "ain't like that" and it can "be just between us" and all the other bullshit that he talked.

Huh? Wwwhut? Are you fucking kidding me?

I am not saying that the thought of a new team player didn't cross my mind.
It did.
I entertained it for a few seconds.

Always fighting demons.

But in the end, I had to win that fight. I am trying my hardest to not to be cruddy.
Sometimes, I feel like it's kill or be killed.
But this should not be one of those times. There are too many men out here for this shit. Besides, he is not all that. I am not judging him, by any means, but there are some things about him that just make me uncomfortable.
This dude would have to come straight at me with a Platinum dick, and I just don’t think he rolls that way.

So, yeah..I am not going there. As for my friend?
Well, this is just one she is gonna have to figure out without my help.
She is on her own.
And that’s just the way it is.

It amazes me how things come full circle.

Lies, Secrets and Scandal

So, I mentioned this anonymous person in my Reflection post. I said there was a person that I wasn't ready to talk about, just yet.

Well, I am cleaning out my closet..so I have changed my mind.

Gimme a minute to think of a nick-name. I don't want to ruin his life. Or mine.
Let's call him The Beautiful One.

I met The Beautiful One a few years ago at a pool party. I was instantly attracted to him. He was handsome, and sexy. And he liked me. It was so obvious. Everyone noticed how we flirted with each other, but everyone just assumed that he was fucking with me. I thought so at first, because I just couldn't imagine what the hell he wanted with me. I pictured him dating beautiful women. Perfect women. And that, I was not.

We talked until the party was over. We were in a group, so the conversation remained pretty casual. Surface shit. Nothing too personal.

The next day, one of my friends mentioned something about The Beautiful One. She said that she noticed our attraction, but warned me that she was pretty sure he had a girlfriend.
"So what" I thought. That's her problem..not mine.

We ran into each other pretty regularly after that. It seems that he lived nearby, and was actually related to one of my acquaintances. Whenever The Beautiful One and I saw each other, it was on. I finally called him out about him having a girlfriend, and he said something really shitty about her...I remember telling him, that if he was my man and I ever heard that he said some shit like that, we would be done.

A few months later, I was coming home from work. The Beautiful One was visiting someone in my apartment complex. He was walking to his car. I stopped to talk. Not 5 minutes later, he dangles his hand thru my sunroof and says "Look." I looked at his hand and damn if there wasn't a shiny, gold wedding band on his finger.
Damn him.

I kinda kept him at arms length because of that. Yeah, we flirted, but I always reminded him that he had a wife at home. A year later, I would remind him that he had a wife and a baby.
One night, I saw him at a gathering of mutual friends, and reminded him of his "prior engagements"..he took his ring off in front of everyone and dropped it on the table. It tinged, tinged and tinged as it hit the table. It finally came to a rest.
"Now WHAT..?!?" he said.
I was shocked. Was that what he really wanted to say?
He had to love his wife.
Didn't he?

One night around 11pm, he stopped by my apartment. He was on his way in from having a few drinks. and he was with my friend.
My friend saw The Beautiful One head straight for my bed, and said that they were leaving. They wanted no parts of what was about to pop off. The Beautiful One laid across my bed. Clearly he was drunk. I decided, that I wanted no parts of it either. I told him to go home.
He got a little mad at me..he said that all these years, he was trying to get with me, and now was our chance, and I wanna be scared? I admitted that yes, I was scared. Not because of her..and not because of him, but because of myself.

Sometimes you hype shit up so much, that you only set yourself up to be disappointed. I felt like this was one of those times. I felt like all the shit we talk, and all the looks and everything that we do needed to stay right at that level. There was no need to take it any further.
Would I then become his Mistress? Fuck that. So really, what was the point? It was not that serious.

Situations similar to this happened a few times.
What does this man want from me? I always asked myself.
Why is he doing this?
I know. This is a test. As I always say, Everything is a test. And I was about to fail.
I was fighting demons. It became harder and harder to say no to him.
I keep telling myself, that I am not that girl.
I am not the girl that fucks someone's husband.
Not on purpose. Not knowingly. Not willingly. Not me.

On his birthday, in December, The Beautiful One went out drinking. He called me @1am saying he was on his way home from the bar. I told him (joking) to come get his birthday present. A few minutes, he was knocking on my door. Again, he came in, took his shoes off, and laid across my bed. He motioned for me to come lay beside him, and I did. After a few minutes of talking, he started trying to mack. I swear, I fought the good fight. But in the end, I lost.

I have not talked to him or seen him since. I have no need to. I don't want to.
This is just one of those secrets that I will keep to myself. I don't ever want anyone to know.
Yes, I had no business. Yes, I am fucked up. Yes, I am wrong.

I did it and I will own it in my own world. But that's it. It goes no farther than that.
I never want to see The Beautiful One again.

Reflecting

I blog-jacked this from CoolAC, who jacked it from someone else. Hey..we gotta do what we gotta do...


1) Was 2005 a good year for you?
Overall, it was pretty good. I have learned some things about myself, and I have everything that I need. And I have "the boy" the one person in this world that loves me unconditionally.


2) What was your favorite moment of the year?
Jeez, I have so many, one of them would have to be when he met my friends for the first time. He was walking in the door, and my friends were like "girl..look what just walked thru the door..Oh my, he's beautiful" and I said.."That's my man..." ~LOL~another would be my birthday. I had such a great time with my friends, although it lead to...

3) What was your least favorite moment of the year?
I would have to say when I realized that I will never have him the way that I want and need. Also, when baby daddy didn't show up to the boys birthday party.

4) Where were you when 2005 began?
I was out, bringing in the new year with my friends.

5) Who were you with?
My single girlfriends. We had a great time.

6) Where will you be when 2005 ends?
At the same spot as last new years eve.

7) Who will you be with when 2005 ends?
with the same crew..

8) Did you keep your new years resolution of 2005?
I didn't really make any resolutions, I just promised to try to do my best, with all my situations as they exist or arise.

9) Do you have a new years resolution for 2006?
No more wasting time. No matter if it be on relationships that aren't going anywhere, or not doing the things that I need to do.

10) Did you fall in love in 2005?
I think I did..but as always, it was the wrong one.

11) If yes, with who?
with him.

12) If yes, do they know?
He knows. He doesn't acknowledge it or care...but he knows.

13) Are you still in love with them?
Absolutely. And I don't care how he feels about it. It has nothing to do with him, and it's really none of his business.

14) You regret it?
Not at all. My feelings for him will remain for him. That's just the way we roll.

15) Did you breakup with anyone in 2005?
I had to cut a few people short, yeah.

16) Did you make any new friends in 2005?
I would have to say yes, there is a constant hiring process at my job. I consider most of my co-workers "friends" we always have each others back, and I can count on them. AND..I have a new friend in Miami. I don't know if she considers us "friends", but I do. I admire her and respect her opinions, and never judge her. That's what friends do, right?

17) Who are your favorite new friends?
If you are my friend, you are my friend. I don't play favorites. I do them all the same.

18) What was your favorite month of 2005?
I would have to say November. That is my vacation month!

19) Did you travel outside of the US in 2005?
Yes, on a cruise to the Bahamas with the boy.

20) How many different states have you traveled in 2005?
3--
Pennsylvania, North Carolina, and Florida.

21) Did you lose anybody close to you in 2005?
yes...and I was really bothered by the circumstances of her death.

22) Did you miss anybody in the past year?
yes...and I tired to contact him. It was a bullshit move, but I did it, and I'm over it.

23) What was your favorite movie that you saw in 2005?
Crash

24) What was your favorite song from 2005?
I like Fantasia's song "Free Yourself" ..I sing my ass off in the car!
And also Vivian Greene.."Gotta Go"

25) What was your favorite album from 2005?
I like Keysha Cole, and Jill Scott. I just listen to what I like..I guess they're new? Right?

26) How many concerts did you see in 2005?
Just 1--Greenday. With the boy. It was actually a good concert considering I don't really listen to that genre of music.

27) Did you have a favorite concert in 2005?
I guess that one, since it was the only one that I went to.

28) Did you drink a lot of alcohol in 2005?
Not too much..not really a drinker..but I can throw 'em back!

29) Did you do a lot of drugs in 2005?
I smoked a few times...the drug scene is not really my thing.

30) How many people did you sleep with in 2005?
Sleep with, or fuck? ~LOL~ Let's see. Ya'all just gonna have to read the archives for this one.. and one other, that I am not ready to talk about, just yet. ~ And these are the one's that I will admit to. So, I know that there is a sista code about what counts and what doesn't. These count. The others don't.
Damn, I just put all my shit on the street.

31) Did you do anything you are ashamed of this year?
I am never ashamed of anything I do and don't usually do things that I can't admit to.

32) What was the biggest lie you told in 2005?
I try not to lie..I would have to say that most of my lies are by omission.
And that being said, allowing my men to think they are the only one in my life.

33) What was the worst lie someone told you in 2005?
"I have no drama!~mmhmm. I am drama-free!"
This was his response to the question.."Do you have a woman?"

34) Did you treat somebody badly in 2005?
I did. And I am over it. I hope they are too.

35) Did somebody treat you badly in 2005?
Only as bad as I let them.

36) How much money did you spend in 2005?
Just take my annual salary, and add about 10K to it.
And there you have it. ~LOL, Serenity23~

37) What was your proudest moment of 2005?
When I fixed the boys bike, and he said.."Mom, as long as I got you, I don't need anybody else!"

38) What was your most embarrassing moment of 2005?
I try to stay out of embarrassing situations. But I would have to say in October when a bunch of my friends went out to lunch and he came along. They made comments that made it look like I tell them all of our business.
I was pissed, but much more embarrassed than anything.

39) If you could go back in time to any moment of 2005 what would it be?
It would be back to the first time he stood me up. Because it would have been the last.

40) What are your plans for 2006?
To stay away from men that are no good for me. To leave all the drama bitches in my life alone. To stop working so damn late every night. To go on another cruise, this time to Mexico!