News on the J-O

Okay, so last night I was unable to sleep. At all.

After this ass waking up at 6am yesterday, going thru all the new J-O drama,
and being unable to decide if I want to quit or not I was one tired chick!!

I laid in bed until after 2am tryin to decide what I was gonna do.
Was quitting this job something that I should have on my mind?
A sister needs to work! Tax refunds only carry you for so long, right?

I thought about how I missed Jamie Foxx reruns on Monday.
I love me some him. He reminds me of Sexy Man so much! Whew!
They have the same sarcastic humor, and sometimes when I am watching
the show, I catch myself just cheesin, thinking about him.
~LOL~

Anyway, so I get OUT OF BED at 2:30 something AM and send this chick an email.
I figured that it would be better to get this shit over with and not have to get up early in the morning to do it. I was really afraid that I would oversleep. Then they wouldn't get shit!
It was short, sweet and to the point.

I am sending you this email to let you know that I will not be returning to work.

While I appreciate the opportunity, I do not believe that this is the right job for me, for many reasons.

I apologize for any inconvenience.

Regards,

I sent this to the Human Resources department.
I purposely kept it brief.
It ain't like I been there 6 years. I worked there 1 gahdamn day.
Please. They are lucky they got that.
I know what the fuck I am doing.
Work hours are 8-5. Why at 8:30 do you think my phone started ringing with these psycho fuckers on the other end.

They wanted to "talk" to me.

And that's fine. If I were someone else.
But I don't play that game.
Did I say that I quit? Then that's what I did.
There is no need for discussion.
All decisions here are final.
Always.

I was on the phone with a chick that I used to work with while they were ringing my fucking phone off the hook..just when I thought they were calling for the 5th time in 5 minutes, I looked at the caller ID and it was my girlfriend Michelle.

There is never a reason for her to call me that early in the morning..something must be up.
I end my other call and switch over to talk to her.

"BRENDA..your job has been calling my cell phone..I thought you were sending them an email?" she was irritated.

"I did!...it said I QUIT!!"
I yelled the I QUIT part into the phone.

We both started cracking up.

"You're dumb!" she tells me.

"Well, they are calling me. I didn't know who it was but when I called the number back, I realized it was them. I hung up." she said.

"I can't believe they even called you, what the fuck did they expect you to tell them??
I guess they will be calling sexy man next..I put you two down as emergency contacts.
That's all I need..I wonder what he'll say?"

We both started cracking up again. Sexy man is a straight mess.
He is so funny, and sarcastic.
Neither one of us see that call going well.

"Fukkit" I told her. "He ain't gonna tell them shit..
he will say..ummmm? have you discussed this with HER???

"Ummm. She is bent over my desk right now, but when I'm done banging that ass I'll ask her why she didn't come to work today." she joked.

We laughed at all the things that we thought he might say.
And things that we wished he would say.
And all the things that he probably did say.
We are two funny chicks.

In the middle of our laughter, she says..
"That's them again!!"

"Answer it" I say.

"And tell them what?" she wanted to know.

"Tell them that I QUIT!!!" we both laughed.

She is gone for like 3 or 4 minutes. She finally comes back and
breathes irritation in the phone.

"Brenda" she says. "I have done a lot of things, for a lot of people..
but I ain't NEVER quit a job for someone. Now, that's love"

Yes it is.

I QUIT this bitch!!

I woke up this morning at 6am to start a new job.
This ass ain't seen 6am in a minute!!

So, I started the job.
Sort of.

Well, not really sort of, I really did start a new job.

And I quit.

I think.

Yeah, I am pretty sure I quit.

I think.

So, I get at the new job, and they have me fill out some tax forms, and some other stuff.

They give me this big long ass contract to sign, which basically is a non-compete agreement.
It states that I will not share any company business with any person that works for their competitor. If I violate that agreement, they will issue an injunction and gag order against me.

My sexy man works for their competitor, so when I talked to him at lunch time today, I informed him that he is not allowed to ask me any questions about my job. I told him that if they issue a gag order, I would not be able to open my mouth in his presence and that would probably make him unhappy. ~wink~

They proceed to tell me that I will be training with this girl for the next 2 weeks.
She starts showing me all this stuff, everything that she does. It looks nothing like the position I was hired to do. After about 3 hours of paying close attention, and taking vigorous notes, I ask her if this is the job that I will be doing.
She tells me "no" that she was just showing me so that I would have an idea what she does there, and that since this is a new position that they created for me and my skills there is really no one to train me on my job just yet.

They tell me that they have no desk for me to put my belongings.
"There are no open cubicles right now." and then this bitch giggles "He-He"

He-He MY ASS. Ya'all need to find a sister a damn desk. So they lead me back to the cut.
Yes. THE CUT.

"Here is where you'll be sitting for the next 4 months or so..."

Oh HELL no. Not the kid. I ain't fuckin' sitting back here in this dusty ass area.

The lady that hired me explained in my interview that I would be answering the overflow of calls that come thru the Automated Attendant.

I figure that everyone does this..they are all about the teamwork, right.

So tell me WHY she tells that after the 4 months, when I am well trained for my detail oriented position, will I then move to the Receptionist Desk to answer phones and do my other work.

They did not hire me to be a fucking Receptionist.
I did not apply to be a Receptionist.
I do not want to be a Receptionist.
I will not be a Receptionist.

Don't get me wrong..there is nothing wrong with being a Receptionist.
I just am not going to be one.
Not in the smoke and mirror kinda way.
Don't trick me into being your gahdamn Receptionist.

I am not that good with people.
I swear.

People piss me off. Quick.
The temper is short. No time for that bullshit.
No can do.

I quit.

So, I am discussing my options with sexy man this evening.

He is laughing his ass off at me. He tells me I should sleep on it, and decide in the morning.

Does he not know me at all??

Me..the girl who would rationalizes that I don't need to take a shower before work, so I can sleep for 10 more minutes. I also rationalize that I don't need to wear make up, or wash my hair. Or even get dressed for that matter. I have actually talked myself into sleeping 20 more minutes by telling myself that I can just wear my jammies to work.
Yeah. Me.
Yeah RIGHT!!!

Nope..no decision making like that in the morning..
Sleep will always win.
Trust me.

So..I have not yet decided what I am going to do..but more than likely..
I quit.
And that's just the way it is.

The smell of manliness

Can anyone tell me why the boy just came into my room smelling like he just took a bath in cologne. He has so much cologne on, it gave me an instant headache.

"What the hell is that smell?" I wanted to know.

"That's the smell of manliness, mother!"

Did the boy just say "MAN-LI-NESS?"
He did.

*shaking my head*

ok..if you say so.

She's a clever bitch!

"What a fucking idiot"

That's the only thing that I can think of to describe what I did today.

I met with the lady on Tuesday about this new job. I am not sure that I exactly want this one, but it could be okay, a stepping stone, perhaps. Just to get into something I really want without having to do a lot of explaining about my last job.

The circumstances of which I was let go, are shady at best. Basically, it's my refusal to bow down to the man. I guess he didn't appreciate my blunt honesty. He hated a bitch with an opinion. I have maintained that position from the beginning.

Anyway, the lady at the new spot tells me that she is having problems verifying my dates of employment. She wants me to help her out.

I email one of the supervisors the following email:

Hey..

I was wondering how I can get my dates of employment verified.

I don't want them to talk to anyone that feels compelled to put my business out there to them.--I did not tell them the circumstances of which I left under, and frankly, I don't want them to know, or get the opportunity to ask.

Let me know what you know.

Okay..follow me here.

This email went thru 2 people and back to me with my employment dates.

I spent the day with my sexy man, and was all out of sorts when I got back to the crib.
So tell me what I did? I fucking FORWARDED this email to the lady AT THE JOB.

Yes. I sure fucking did. yeah.

I immediately went into damage control mode. But we can't undo this one. That email is gone!
I got an email right back, auto-reply, stating that chick was out of the office today.
I got in touch with AOL. No can retrieve. I tell them "Bullshit..ya'all are AOL!!"

They bullshit me not.

My thinking automatically defaults to thug-criminal. There has got to be a way to fix this.
I call baby daddy. Yes. BABY DADDY. I will tell you this about him..
He is and always will be my partner in crime.
We were like Bonnie and Clyde.
He embraces my clever mind. He knows what I am capable of.

Seriously.

He does not answer his phone. But that's okay. I have a plan.
I take off the bottom part, that says the dumb shit, and I send this chick the email again.
And again.
And again.
And again.

Can anyone tell me if this will work or not??
You must use your creativity to figure it out why I did this.
I think it will work!!

I laugh about it now..but it is SO not funny.
If my plan doesn't work, then it wasn't meant to work.

If it works..I am one clever bitch!!

Nameless and Faceless

I held my breath as I typed in her last name, then her first.
My heart pounded. I was up to no good and probably bout to get my feelings hurt.

I don't know, exactly what was looking for..but I was afraid of what I might find.

The matching names came up on the screen. There were so many!
Which one was her?
My heart still pounding, and my stomach started to hurt.

Why was I doing this again?

I scrolled down thru the names, and before I knew it, I was nodding my head.
Yes..I think that might be her?!? Ummm. maybe not. I don't really know.

What was I going to do with this information?

Exactly.
Nothing.

I let out a breath and clicked the 'X' at the top of the screen.
This was craziness, and I really wanted no parts of it.

I still don't understand what compels females to go looking for shit.
It's hard to know what to do with information that you have no business trying to gather in the first place.

I was not going to call her or send her a letter! I was not going to her house.
She is his EX girlfriend. The operative word being EX. And there is nothing that I need to know about her. I prefer that all 'EX's' remain nameless and faceless..but that is not always the case.

There is nothing that I am going to find that will make me feel better about anything.
I am certain, I will only feel worse. I am certain of it, so the self-torture is over.

I will not ever type this girls name again.
I don't (and shouldn't) care to know anything about her.

The computer will never tell me how much he loved her and if he still thinks about her.
I guess that's a good thing.
Right?

What will happen, will happen

I went on another interview. It was last Thursday, and it went well.
It is a job that I can do without fucking up too much stuff.
That's important.

The lady explained that there are a few pre-employment things that need to be done.
A drug test.
A background check.
And a credit check.

This shit freaks me out. I feel like people are diggin into my business. This will, in no way, stop me from going postal if the situation arises, and I feel like that's what I need to do. I am sure that people everywhere go thru these kinds of checks, and still steal, do drugs and file bankruptcy.

I was pretty confident that I would be offered the job.
And I was. I guess, I passed the background and credit check. The only thing left?
A fuckin drug test.

I do not use drugs. I have probably blazed 1 or 2 times in the last year.
No time recently, though.

On Saturday, I felt that familiar stomach issue about to take a sister down. I have ulcers, and other tummy issues..and when that shit comes up, I am no good for about 5 hours.
And it is painful.

I went to my trusty supply of Vicodin. And I took one. And like clockwork, the pain was gone in about a half hour. Then I started worrying about this job thing. What if I get offered this job and have to go take a drug test. I do not have a prescription for this..and I will come back dirty. I want this job. I need this job. And they will think I am a damn drug addict. I have looked all over the internet trying to find out something...I didn't find any clear answers. I read somewhere that this drug stays in your system for about a week.

They want me to start Monday. But I am not sure how this drug thing is gonna work out.
Damn.

It's so funny how living a thug life for so long makes you think. I contemplated every drug test beating thing under the sun. These are not even things that I had to look up, they are things I know from hanging out with the crowd that I used to hang with.

Put bleach or drano or salt even, in your urine sample.
Drink lots of water and flush the drugs out of your system.
Use someone elses pee.
Dilute it with water, either from the tap, or the toilet.

~LOL~ the list goes on.

But in the end, I decided that fate will have it's way. It this job was really meant to be, I would get it, right? I have always believed that everything happens for a reason, and what will be, will be. If my dirt comes back on me, than so be it. I will just continue to do what I do and hope for the best.

What more can I do.

Where the hell is my duct tape?

I am in a funk.
A fucked up, don't bother me, don't call me, don't come near me funk.
It will work itself out, but still.

Him? Leave me alone.
The other one? Leave me alone.
Baby daddy? You don't stand a chance.

As for the boy. He is safe. He is always safe from the wrath that is me.
But the little- no home training 8 year old ghetto life livin, smart mouth, bout to get beat down like she's an adult--because she decided to punch the boy in his mouth?
She bout to get it.

This is the same little girl that is always messin with the boy. This is not the first time that she has hit him..back in the summer, she slapped him in the face. Yeah. her.

So, I do-what any calm, tax paying, not trying to go to jail mom would do.
I go talk to her mother.
Okay. Why was that a mistake. I see where her daughter gets her out of control attitude from
She get it FROM HER MAMA.

I go knock on her door. I tell her that the boy was playing football and told her daughter that she could not play. And ya know why she can't play? Because I told the boy to stay away from her. And that if she tries to play anything that he is doing he has 1 of 2 choices.

He can either tell her NO--or he can bring his ass in the house. I guess he got tired of having to come in, so this time he told her that she couldn't play.

I tell her that her daughter then grabbed the boy by his hoodie, and punched him in the mouth.

When I knocked on her door, I just wanted it to be known that I don't appreciate her daughter putting her hands on the boy. The boy don't mess with people. He just does his thing..and he did what I told him to do.
She followed me out to the parking lot and called her daughter over. She asked her daughter if she hit the boy and she immediately went the hell off. This child went off on her mother. She called the boy a liar, and her mother told her to go inside. She said "Jesus Christ..I SAID I didn't DO ANYTHING TO THAT PUNK."

What? Huh? That's how you talk to your mother? Apparently so.

I mentioned that I have spoken to her daughter before, about her and the boy not getting along. I simply told her that if she don't like him, then stay away from him.

And do you know this ghetto fabulous bitch had the nerve to look at me, and say this:

"First of all, YOU ARE WRONG for you telling your child not to play with my daughter.
I am not putting up with this bullshit you coming and knocking on my door with this. You need to tell your child that he needs to FUCK HER UP. Don't teach your child to be a coward, and run. I teach my children not to run from anyone--stand there and fight. He needs to stand up for himself and fight her. Maybe after him giving her a good beat down, she will learn and not mess with him anymore. I don't get into kid shit. He needs to FUCK HER UP. And that's what I expect to happen. And DON'T be talking to my daughter. You will force her to act like an adult and then not understand why she is disrespecting you. If you have a problem, don't talk to her. Don't ever say shit to her--I will handle her. I am her mother. Not you. Not anyone else. YOU need to act like an adult in this situation, and not expect her to. SHE IS A CHILD..you are AN ADULT."

Did she just tell me to let the boy fuck her child up? She did.
And I don't understand this kind of mentality.

I told her that I was not going to teach the boy to fight, and this was an
unacceptable resolution to an obvious problem.
This is just ridiculous, and I really have nothing else to say.

So, when ya'all see on the NEWS, about how a crazed mother snatched up an innocent little girl, who was sweet and never did anything to anyone, you will understand the real story.

I gotta go look for my duct tape.

Come strong...or don't come at all

Sunday night, there was a knock at the door. It was one of my friends. She was not happy. I could tell as soon as I opened the door that she had something on her mind.

I knew why she was here.

She wanted to know when the phone calls started, and more importantly, why I didn't feel the need to tell her. She wanted to know when he called me and what was said, and how he really got my number. She was a little confrontational, but new that she bett'not cross my imaginary boundary. Cuz, if she did, she knew that she would leave here just as frustrated, if not more than when she knocked on my door.

She was also afraid that I would keep it real; that type of business is hard to discuss.

The only reason that she even got this far, is because she is not some random bitch off the street commin at me demanding to know what, if anything, I am doing with her man, but the funny thing is that she never asked me if I fucked him, she never asked if I entertained dating him.

I don't know if this is because she was sure that I didn't..or if she was sure that I did.

This is the same man that I posted about at the beginning of January. This fool was "hanging out" with one of my friends. He actually waited until she was asleep to go through her cell phone to get ALL of my numbers. I mean all of them. He called the boy's cell phone. I told him in no uncertain terms that I was not interested. But that didn't stop him from calling every once in a while to see if I had changed my mind.

I told one of my other girlfriends, and she suggested that I snitch him out. Only there were a few problems with that:

1) This fool is straight thuggin. I can't deal with no convicted criminal bringing drama to my door.
2) My friend said that there was nothing between them. She said this not once, not twice, but too many times to count.
3) I have no interest in him..if she is not with him, as SHE said she wasn't, then what is there to tell?

Exactly.

Well, it seems that one of my friends ran into him in a club. The friend stupid and drunk enough to call him out. And she did just that. She's lucky he didn't fuck her up right there. This is one of those chicks that got drunk courage. She gets a few drinks in here and thinks she can whoop anyone's ass. Yeah. It was none of her business. She was out of line. She was disrespectful.
AND..
She almost got fucked up.

The drama between her and I because of all this?
That's another story for another time.
But let's just say..her bullshit did not go without mention. ~evil grin~

So of course, he denied everything. That's what I expected. But the twist that I didn't expect?
He said that I was coming on to him, and that he is coming over here to "fuck me up" for startin shit.
Yep.
That's what he said.

So, basically, I am minding my own business. This asshole jacks my numbers from my friends phone. He calls me and I have no interest. And now I am getting fucked up. Ummm. How does that make any sense?
And..um..yeah..I'm afraid.

But just like I told her, and like I'll tell him...

Come strong, ghetto thug.
Cuz' you have no idea what I got over here waiting for you
and I got no problem handling my business.

Dude had me..

He walked into the room. His eyes were on me. He started to dance around a little.
A strip tease.

He took his shirt off and threw it on the floor. He fell to his knees and crawled over to me.
He was looking into my eyes.

He licked his lips.

He moved closer to me and did the "come here" finger wag.
I stood up and moved closer to him.

He grabbed me by the back of my hair. He wrapped my long hair around his hand.
He licked me across my face, and put his mouth and tongue near my ear.
He whispered "lay down."
I gave him my 'I KNOW you're not talking to me like that.. look'
He tugged hard on my hair. "I SAID. LAY.DOWN!"


I laid down face first.~damn, he wasn't playin~
He crawled under me and put his "stuff" right in my face...he pumped up and down a few times.
He crawled over top of me, and rested his body on my back.
He pulled my shirt up and licked all down my back until he got to my jeans.


He crawled backwards up my back.
He was once again in my face.
He smiled, winked, licked me across my face again
and then went about his business.
I gave him a dollar for his troubles. ~wink~

Damn. I love me some male strippers. And dude...was tight! ~DAMN~

The Interview

I had a job interview yesterday. It was ghetto.

I was a little nervous, I hate interviews. I am a clown. ~rolls eyes~
And it's hard to hide my smart-ass-edness sometimes.
Especially when the girl interviewing you is..well..ghetto.

It was apparent to me that this chick had no interviewing skills.
She was so unprofessional. She cursed, smacked her gum, and talked to other people in the middle of our interview--Completely and CLEARLY not work related.
It was annoying. She had all her questions written on a piece of paper,
and was reading them off like a damn check list. She wrote down my answers.
I hope she wrote down what I actually said, and not some bullshit.
I had to really search for those answers.

"Why did you apply for this job?"
"Why should I hire you?"
"IF hired, Name some things that would make you quit?"

What the fuck kind of questions are these? Have I missed something?
I laughed, because all the answers that came to me FIRST, were just too entertaining to say.
I had to think hard, because the obvious answers were not good ones.
Atleast they wouldn't be to her.

After she went down her list of about 20 questions, all stupid as hell, she said that she wanted to show me around the office. She said that she is looking for someone that is able to fit in with the other girls; she doesn't want to hire someone that can't get along with the group.

She starts taking me around. All sistas. Not one white chick in the building.
Damn--I laughed to myself. I am gonna be the token white chick up in here!!
The thought of that just cracked me up.

I am sure that not everyone there would be appreciative that I do 'black love' ~smirk~
I wonder if they could tell?
She introduced me to all the workers. They all seemed cool, but I felt like I was on auction at muhfuckin E.B.A.Y. All the girls were checkin me out. I guess tryna figure if I was
white-white ~LOL~ or what the hell my story was.

I don't know if I am ready for this..I guess we will see!

You are...perfect.

I almost fell the hell out when I heard those words come out of his mouth.
The shock of hearing baby daddy say those words to me today left me speechless.

Did he forget who he was talking to? ~LOL~
It's me..baby mama!

He didn't call me a bitch.
He didn't call me an asshole.
He didn't say I was selfish.
He said I was perfect.

I think if any other man said those words to me, I would be headed to get a marriage license.
So, what did baby daddy want, this time? Did he want me to call off the Sheriff from serving his ass child support papers? Did he want me to shut the fuck up about giving me money?
Actually. no.
He wants to get back together with me.

And He told me I was perfect.

I called him late this evening, because I was surfing on the internet, and I came across this site that had some of his personal information on it. Baby daddy is a very private person, and he would never put his business out there like that. I wanted to let him know of my findings.

We started talking, like two civilized people. There was no cursing, no carrying on, no name calling and no blaming. We started talking about our relationship, and what really went wrong.

He went on to say, he never imagined his life without me, and he figured that I would always be there. He said that he wished that he listened to what I was really saying. He said that at the time, he had no idea how unhappy I was.

The whole time that baby daddy is talking, saying how he wants us to get back together, I had only 1 thought in my head.
Him. Him, as in my sexy man. Am I ready to give him up? I have been up in his grill for almost a year. I have written about all the drama, love, excitement, and sexiness that surrounds us. And not to mention his little secret that has recently come to light ~rolls eyes~

But baby daddy told me I was perfect.

While talking to him, I was actually doing some math in my head.
I could do this, I thought.
Why was I thinking this way? All the pain that this man caused me is enough for a lifetime.
Nobody can ever hurt me like he did. Nobody. Never.
He stripped me of a lot of things that he had no right to take from me.
I allowed it, but had no idea what was happening to me in the process. That was sad.
When he was finished with me, I was not the same person.
He had stolen my spirit right from underneath me.
Tragic.

I wondered to myself if I could tolerate being with him. I know he would be good to me. I just know it. But I am not the same person that I was when we were together. I don't think he can handle 2006 Brenda--I mean damn.

We could make babies. He could help support and care for his son.
He could pay some rent around this bitch-he makes good money.
He could love me like I want and need--he knows me better than anyone--still, to this day.

Maybe I need to stop looking at him as the enemy, and some clarity will come my way.
He said I was perfect, but I can not say the same about him.
Deep down, I hate him. With more passion than I ever loved him.
How would we ever be able to grow as a couple when I have hate in my heart?
We can't. And I know that.

I am not perfect. And I don't want to be.

Beyond his skin, into his heart

Recently, I ran into an old school friend.

He was stressed the hell out, chasing 8 children around at a Carnival. I never said anything to him, he was with a female, his wife or baby mama, I would guess.
We walked right past each other and smiled.
It was him, and I knew it—he hadn’t changed a bit. My eyes followed him and I turned around to watch him walk. He turned around and quickly glanced at me, trying not to get caught by his female companion.
He turned back around and continued walking.
He never looked back again.
He soon disappeared into the crowd.

For the second time in my life, I could not take my eyes off of him.

He was the first black man that I ever loved.

In High School, I was just one of those girls that everyone liked. I had not officially converged on the interracial scene, and I was pretty much open to dating anyone, I had not yet acquired the flava of a brutha.
Until I met him.

I was in the 10th grade. He was my biology partner, and he was beautiful.
He was beautiful from head to toe. I looked forward to seeing him every day.

I will never forget how we used to accidentally touch each other while working on a project. The first time, I pulled my hand away like I had touched fire. He looked at me with those sexy eyes. He shook his head and frowned at me. I had disappointed him.

He kept things strictly business for a while after that.
What did he want from me??
Neither one of us wanted any drama.

The more we worked together, the more I grew to like him. The more I liked him, the sexier he became. He was funny, and extremely bright. I started to love him. It scared me and excited me at the same time. I was caught up, and I knew it.

The distinct difference of our skin color was just so sexy to me. He always used to catch me starting at his hand resting near mine. I could feel him looking at me, and I would follow his arm, up to his face. He always looked at me with such intensity. Like I was a puzzle that he was trying to figure out where the next piece went. I was not afraid of him, or my feelings for him. I was not afraid to meet his intensity with mine. We were just time e'nuf for each other.

As it turned out, we were better at being friends than lovers. Yeah, it bugged me when I saw him with other girls, none of them ever white, which I found strange. Ultimately, we stopped talking altogether. I rarely ever saw him, but when I did, we would always exchange “we have a secret” glances. It never occurred to me to try to keep in contact with him. And I didn’t.
It's been a long time.

Seeing him made me remember the intensity of which I loved him, despite everything that I had to lose; It was against everything that my family wanted for me, and everything that my friends believed in. Everyone somehow thought that my life was ruined. I think they talked about me behind my back but I didn't care what people thought of me. We were intimate, and I cared about him.

He made me reach beyond the color of his skin and into his heart.
And I have nothin’ but love for the man that made me do that.