I need 4 advil and a drink

I have been on the net all morning tryna plan a trip. Me and the boy are venturing out in November..and man, is this shit stressful.

From airfare. to car rental. to the skatepark. to the hotel. to the cruise ship. to airfare again.
Each one needing to be a precise time, as to not miss the boat..or plane!

Wondering..should I reserve everything NOW, or wait till September. or October?
should I skip the car rental and take a cab?
Should we stay the night in Orlando, or Tampa?
How will I get to the port after dropping the rental car off?
Will we be late?

I can not fathom sitting in an airport for 7 hours waiting for our return flight..especially with the boy and a bunch of luggage. He (or me for that matter) is just not that patient. That's a long ass time to be sittin in the airport.

I am not a traveler. Travel=stress.

Any suggestions?

His Confessions

I walk in the door from being out with my friend Marvin having a drink.
He is sitting on my couch, with the boy and the babysitter. Chillin.
I start to laugh. How in the hell did he manage that? The boy apparently let him in. Not a problem, at all. I was just surprised to see him. Apparently he has been here for a while.
He told me that he was gonna pay the babysitter, and send her home, but was unsure how much to give her.

I put the boy to bed.

He is watching me from the doorway. We go into my room, and I lay on the bed. He continues to watch me, as if he has something on his mind.

"What?"

And this man looks me in my face and says the following words:

"I shudda never started fucking with your ass."

He doesn't say it with hate. Not at all.
He says it with confusion. I think he was confessing.
His feelings are caught up, and he wants to see where I'm at.

What is that supposed to mean? I ask him.
He proceeds to explain that we don't have a commitment.
But he is unable to hook up with other women.
That he thinks about me. And as much as he tries to forget, he can't.
And it's not supposed to be this way.
That he is a dog. That he doesn't want me to feel like he is using me.
He is not.
That it's not fair to me. That this whole thing that he is doing..
I shouldn't be caught up in this mess.
He has never met anyone like me...

So, I think for a minute and offer up my theory.

He is confused, not because of how I act, but because of how I am.
He does not understand that we are both doing this, to each other.
He can't figure out why I don't act a fool. He does not understand how I can remain so calm, why I never curse at him. Why I never ring his phone off the hook. Why I never complain.
I am convinced that he is just waiting for the real me to emerge. The bitch.

This is the real me, I tell him.

He looks at me as if he wants to speak again, but says nothing.

I have always kept my feelings for him in check. Because I don't want to be hurt.
I love him. But I don't think I am ready to share my life with him any more than I already do.

Maybe he's right. He shudda never started fucking with me.

A Lesson for the boy~LIFE IS NOT FAIR!~trust me on this!

We had really bad storms last night. So..
My first day to work this week, and we have no power. After much debate, we are allowed to leave early. The boy (and his friend) are at camp. Due to the not-so-broken arm, he was allowed to go back to camp today. I take them in the morning, The boy's little friend's mother who is also my friend (MK) picks both boys up after camp every day and watches the boy till I get home.

The boy is usually in aftercare, but MK convinced me to not enroll him this summer so that her son has someone to play with after camp. This, of coarse, was not the way it was presented to me…she went the financial route! (Which is cool..aftercare is expensive as h.e.l.l.)....but NEVER.AGAIN.

She must have seen my car coming in, because she called me (at home) to tell me that the boys are having a cookout at camp tomorrow, and that I need to get chips. Thank god the boy knows better than to volunteer me for 50 cupcakes the night before the cookout!

About 10 minutes later, I am chillin watching a Lifetime movie, and the boy walks in. I had just gotten up to get something to drink, and was standing in the kitchen.
He looks at me strange. "What?" I say..

“Ummm. I thought you were asleep”!?!?..he says confused.

"Who told you that?"
..I am kinda pissed, because I already knew who told him that. MK. And I knew exactly what she was doing. She told the boy that I was asleep so that he wouldn’t come home. So that he would stay and play with her son. She knew that once he was aware that I was home, that he knew he could do what he wanted. That he no longer would have to hang out at her house and essentially leave her son with nothing to do.

So, yeah. I am pissed about this. Don’t be keeping my child from me—crazy ass bitch.

So he asks me if he could have something to eat. I make the boy a ham and mayonnaise sammich. He sits on the couch and tries to catch up on the movie, which is over in 10 minutes.
He watched the rest of the movie while he ate.

Right after the movie was over, the phone rings. MK. “Where’s the boy”? she asks. “Right here” I say. The boy starts shaking his head..like don’t tell her I’m here. I look at him, like What the hell?? I tell her that the boy will be out soon. We hang up. I ask the boy what was THAT all about and he says ..

“I didn’t want her to know that I was eating…she will be mad, and I will get in trouble”

WHAT THE FUCK???

So the boy proceeds to explain to me (much of which I already knew) that she makes sure everything is fair. The boy can not have somthing (that is HIS) while in her care, if her son doesn't get it as well. Like, snacks, or soda left over from his lunch. Or ice cream from the ice cream truck if the boy has his own money. Dumb shit.

But for him to be afraid to come in his own damn house and eat a fucking ham sammich because he thinks he is gonna get yelled at by someone else’s parent..was too much for my ears. The boy and I need to have a talk, NOW.

I knew that this was a big issue with her. I knew that it’s almost an obsession with her. Share, and share alike. She never wants the boy to get more than her son. If they go to the mall, and the boy has money, he is not allowed to spend HIS money, because her son has no money to spend. The examples are endless. Sometimes the boy is with her out of necessity, and she has different rules. I expect him to understand that, and follow her rules when I am not there. Sometimes she oversteps her boundaries, when I am there. And I have to tell her about herself.

It’s too crazy to explain, so I won’t try. But the boy and I…yeah, we had a talk. It went something like this:

Me: Please understand that I AM YOUR MOTHER.
MK is NOT YOUR MOTHER.

MK does not decide what and when you can eat WHEN I AM HOME.

MK does not make decisions about what you can and can’t do WHEN I AM HOME.

MK does not have the right to get mad at you for coming home, for not wanting to go somewhere with her, or not wanting to share your apple, your soda, your money, your scooter, your bike or skateboard WHEN I AM HOME.

If MK has a problem with something that I SAY THAT YOU CAN DO, when I AM HOME, then you need to come tell me.

SHE IS NOT YOUR MOTHER!

Oh, and one more thing..LIFE IS NOT FUCKING FAIR--EVER. So don't let anyone tell you that it is.

With that, he kissed me and went out the door.

I hope I didn't leave anything out....

I know the truth..finally

"Hello?" I say. I don't know what made me answer that way, I knew damn well who was on the other end of the phone.

"I need to see you, Brenda" the voice says. "I will be over that way in a few hours.." "I'll call you when I get in your neighborhood."

"Okay" was all that I could say. I hung up the phone. And I had to re-group. It has been a while. Not a long while, but a while as far as "us" is concerned. We have not had much interaction lately, due to circumstances. Things between us have been strange. Conversations uncomfortable. Never wanting to say too much, or give the wrong appearance to anyone that may be watching. So I started wondering if this was worth it. Should I let this happen? Or should I let this go. I have been trying to heal the unintentional wounds caused by this man.

As superficial as they are, they still hurt.


I have been trying to not let him consume my thoughts. I have been trying to do what's right for me. I can't tell which is more confused, my heart or my head. I can't tell where one begins and the other ends. I have been trying to convince myself that he doesn't care about me. That this is over, and he is happy about it.

Things were made very clear when he walked through the door. Everything that I have always felt about him was confirmed. We had a good time. I think it was a much needed break from our daily grind. I think he enjoyed hanging out with me again. On our own terms.

The affection flowed freely.
I fell asleep entangled in his body. His fingers interlocked with mine. His arms wrapped around me. I felt his lips brush against my face, as he planted a kiss on my cheek. I could feel his breath on my neck. I look up at him. He is watching me. We say nothing. I can see the love for me in his eyes. All my questions are finally answered. With that one look.
He pulls me closer.

A little while later, he says he needs to get home. I don't want him to leave, but I know he has to. As he gives me one final hug and kiss before leaving, I think to myself...

Damn. I love him.

The boy and his broke ass arm

After the Friday night eye-rolling incident, The boy and my nephew were coming in the kitchen to get something to drink. My nephew bumped into the boy and he said.."Owwwwwch! Watch my arm!"

He is a skateboarder, and is always falling.bleeding.hurt.
or something. I tell him to come closer, so that I can get a better look.
After the interrogation, and mom playing Doctor and a second opinion by my non doctor brother..the final diagnosis: fucking broken.

OMIGOD! His poor little elbow is fucked up. Real fucked up. As in let's go to the hospital now, fucked up. When I tell him that we are going to the hospital, he started to cry a little.
"Am I gonna have to spend the night there?" He asks me.
Nope..you probably just need an X-Ray, I say.
My nephew, the boy, my sister-in-law/friend, and I head to the hospital.

I wondered, why wasn't I made aware of this earlier? I swear, why I gotta be finding out at 10pm that the boys arm is all jacked up? The boy's ace boon's mother, who is also a friend of mine, picks the boy up from camp every day. He chills at her house till I get home. She was at my house all evening, and said nothing. I guess that's another story.

Apparently, the X-rays were inconclusive, so the boy needs to go see an orthopedic surgeon.
And finding one that takes his insurance has been a bitch. Phone calls, referrals and appointments, that's all I been doing all morning.
*Mental note to self--get the boy a different health insurance--one that doesn't treat him like a 3rd class citizen**

Looks like I will be off work for the next few days..

Don't roll your eyes at me..little girl.

I have never put anyone out of my house. Not like this, anyway.

Friday night. The boy has some friends over. One of them had his tag-along sister with him. She is probably 10, maybe 11. She is not one of the 'regulars' at my house, and I have a hard time letting stragglers chill here, especially when I don't really know them.

No big deal. They are in the boys room playing video games. 5 of them altogether.
My nephew who is 5 was in the room also. I am in my room with 2 of my girlfriends. Chillin.

The kids in my neighborhood know I don't play. It's not a secret. I don't put up with no kid bullshit. or kid drama. But I also let them have their fun and their space, and don't really bother them unless there's an issue--I guess that's why they all come hang out here--this is like the neighborhood "spot". Not only that, but the boys room looks like fucking Toys R Us.
The rules around here are pretty clear: No yelling, no arguing, don't put your hands on each other, be mindful of the little ones, and don't act a fool. Simple. Right?

Someone kept saying the word "son" over and over. That shit irritates the hell outta me. "Let me play, son".."I am beating you, son".."I am gonna win this game, son"
There is just no good reason for 9 year old children to be speaking that way. I wasn't exactly sure who was talking, but I was pretty sure it was the girl.
It was getting on my nerves.

I was about to yell in the room to knock it off with "son" talk, but decided to let it go. Not 2 minutes after the thought of telling them to quit it leaves me, I hear my nephew ask for a turn to play. He was not rude. He even said please, in his tiny little voice. Next thing I hear, in the shittiest tone imaginable, was one of the kids tell my nephew something along the lines of .." I. AM. PLAYING. THIS. GAME. YOU. JUST. NEED. TO. WAIT.NOW.STEP.AWAY!" or some bullshit close to that.

I have always told the boy that he should not have to fight to play with HIS STUFF. There are 10 thousand fucking other toys in his room for his little friends to play with, and he need not use energy to fight with or beg other kids to let him play with his own shit. Especially in his own house. Not on my watch anyway. Hell damn no.


So, I yell.."HEY..!!!" and was about to follow with "don't talk to him like that" Normally, I wouldn't be so specific, but that was my nephew, and he is only 5. There is no reason to be all shitty to him. But instead of yelling from my room, some unknown force picked me up off the bed, and before anyone knew it, I was in the doorway of the boy's room.
I guess I felt like I needed to do this in person.

"Don't talk to him like that", I say. Everyone looked at me, but said nothing. That was a piss off. "Don't be talking to him like that, all nasty..WHO said that anyway?" I was pretty sure it was the girl, but wanted to be certain.
I'm thinking..Come' on little girl..fess up, and come correct.
That is half the battle.

The boy and his little friend were quiet. I knew it wasn't them, and they knew that I knew, so they played it safe, and said nothing.

The girl starts to speak. She very calmly and quietly says "I just told him that I was playing the game" ...Um. no.

"You don't need to talk to him like that. Period. Ya'all don't need to be talking nasty to each other"... "DO. YOU. UNDERSTAND?"

Nothing. Not a word. She knew I was talking to her, and her face showed all the attitude that she spoke to him with.

She was pissing me off.

"DO YOU?" I asked again

And this little girl proceeded to roll her goddamn eyes at me. In my own motherfucking house.

LOL~I almost said..you roll 'em, and I'll swoll 'em~LOL but instead I said "GET OUT!" She looked at me, her eyes full of attitude. This little girl actually spoke to me with her eyes.
Her eyes told me very clearly what her mouth not dare say..I'm not going any-damn-where!
And she didn't move.


I gave her the look.
The boy knew it was coming. He knew his mother was about to blow a fucking gasket.
He looked at the girl like he was begging for her to just get up, and head towards the door. Go, little girl..please just go, his eyes said. His look pleaded with her to apologize. to do something. Instead, she began to play the game again.
At this point, the boy knew it was over.
He cringed on her behalf.

She cut her eyes at me, probably checking to make sure I was not on my way to choke the shit out of her, which I was very close to doing at this point.

"OUT!" I yell pointing towards the door. "OUT. OUT. OUT."
"GET OUT, because you ain't gonna roll your eyes at me in my own damn house!"

I saw her lean over to get her shoes. She gave me one last evil eye.
I came back in my room to calm down.
Damn, I have no patience with smart ass kids. NONE.
I felt like beating her like she was a grown woman.
Sheesh.

I heard her crying as she left. She probably called me 10 thousand bitches in her mind.

I'll be 10 thousand bitches--but don't roll your eyes at me, little girl.

The Big Bad Wolf

I got a call yesterday from an old lover. He wanted to see me.
That's what he said, anyway.
What he really wanted was someone to fuck.
That someone was me.
We talked about other stuff..but the main point of his call was that he wanted to come over. for the night. As in..a sleepover.

I met Wolf back in February of this year. I went on a ski trip with my friends, and he was there. The trip was Friday, Saturday, and Sunday. We were about 4 hours from home.

Saturday afternoon, I was sitting at the bar, and he was standing behind me. It was noon, so the bar wasn't crowded. There was no reason for someone to be that close up on me and I could feel his presence. I turned around, and there was this older, sexy-ass man. We spoke. He came closer. He smelled wonderful. He asked me where I was from..when I told him, he looked at me funny. As it was, he works literally 3 minutes from my apartment. He started making huge plans for me. for us. Meeting me for lunch. Lotsa lunch sex. Going out. Dating. He named places he wanted to take me.
There was however, one thing that he forgot to mention.
His wife.

I liked him instantly. My attraction to him was so intense it almost hurt.
He was wise and mature. And older. Hmmm. An older man..that was something that I was not accustomed to. But I figured, what the hell..We hung out the rest of the weekend. He stayed in my room Saturday night. The sex was off the chain. I guess older men know what they are doing--'cuz homeboy had me twisted. I can't remember the last time I had such complete sex. This man even licked my toes. There was nothing that he would not do. It was eight hours of pure pleasure. Yep. 8.

A few days after returning back to Maryland, Wolf called me. He wanted to see me. He wanted to come over and meet the boy. Screeeeeeeeetchhhhhhh! Meet the boy? For what? Oh, hell naw. But we decided that he would come over Sunday afternoon. That was safe. The boy would be runnin in and out, playing outside. Even though the boy does not trip off my male friends, I don't bring random men around him. I told Wolf this, so I wondered what his motivation was for wanting to meet the boy so soon, but he came over as planned, and hooked the boy up with some snacks and he and I chilled. Our chemistry was crazy. I think it's because I knew he was attracted to me. I heard it in every word he spoke. It was like nothing I had ever experienced.

So, we are talkin--and this crazy ass mentions his wife. HUH? WwwHUT? This was the first I had heard of her.
I look at him as if he just slapped me in my face. He looked at me with the same look. "Don't get amnesia now, baby" he says.
I am thinking you must be the one with amnesia motherfucker, you're the one with a fucking wife at home. but I said nothing. I was shocked and too hurt to speak.
The conversation was basically over at that point. We were done.
I talked to him a few times over the next few weeks, but that was the last time he stroked this girl. And the last time I saw him.

I was quite curious when he called last night..he claimed that his wife was working all night, and he was free to roam about the city. He told me that she was working this shift so that they could spend more time together. Huh? So your wife is working crazy hours to spend more time with your ass, and you wanna come fuck me. He speaks of her very lovingly. Like they have no issues or problems. Like they are happy.
I almost took him up on his offer, but I remembered how instantly 'caught up' I was with this man, and decided it was a bad idea. Besides. He is someone's husband. And that's cruddy.
I told him this was the reason that I couldn't see him.
And he understood.
"Maybe another time," I tell him.
"Yeah, maybe" he replied.

Sexy Man on lock~with 500 Grand

I just found out that a payroll mistake that I made at work last week has been corrected.
I accidentally paid a contracted employee 51 thousand dollars.
50 thousand too much. Direct deposit.

This fucker got 51 thousand dollars for 1 week of work.
oops. my bad.

He returned the money with the quickness. We prosecute muhfuckers for less than that. One of the girls I work with said that he shudda taken off..as in holla!

So I started thinking, How much money would I have to be overpaid to flee the country?
50 thousand is not enough for me. He did the right thing in returning it. Not worth the hassle, 50 G's aint shit--atleast not enough to be a leavin' the country, identity changing, fingerprint filing off, wanted felon. Not for me anyway.

I decided that for 500 grand, I would be outty. Maybe even a little less. I would take my sexy man, the boy, my 500 thou and be gone! We would go straight to the islands.

LMAO~ I quickly turned from thief and absconder to murderer. You know I could never leave the states without sending 'ol baby daddy for a permanent dirt nap..especially if I got cake like that! .. but that's a whole 'nother post.

So, in all my curiosity, I couldn't help but call sexy man, and ask if he would come along, and live the life of a felon with me and the boy. He didn't hesitate. He said just tell him where to meet us. I guess my freaky ass, and 500 G's is too much to pass up. He told me that it would be fun to hang out till we got caught. Hmmmm. never thought about gettin' caught--



editors note**
(LOL--Ms. Tee--you know I am just WRONG FOR CALLIN THAT MAN!--'specially for some dumb shit like this--but I just had to--I miss him! and I had to make "secret mission" plans)
**end note

What's the lesson?

All is quiet on the work-front. I have been completely avoiding my partner in crime/co-worker since Thursday. Barely even a sighting. It hurts me because we are friends. We were friends. And I feel like I can't even look his way, much less talk to him. I had to give him some papers yesterday, and I looked at the fucking floor. LOL!

Anyway, Maybe this is the best thing. Maybe this is a person that I have no business being friends with. (Just typing that makes my heart sad). Maybe this friendship has run it's course, and it's time to move on. I know in everything there is a lesson. But what was the lesson?..I don't think I have figured that out yet. I need more time.

I need more time with this beautiful man. I need to be near him. I need time to figure him out. I need time to just be. Just thinking about him makes me smile.
I am not ready to give up on this, but external forces are making my decisions for me. That is not fair. But I guess everything happens for a reason. Everything.

Although, I think the ultimate lesson is much bigger than this, here are some of the things that I have learned:

1) Never try to form a friendship with a co-worker of the opposite sex.
2) Friendship very easily turns into love.
3) Co-workers are ruthless. And have no loyalties when it really comes down to it.
4) Don't show all your skills at once. Make 'em wait for some things.
5) Always follow your heart. It knows when it's had enough.
6) Things are not always as they appear.
7) There is such a thing as passion.
8) Body language is a muthafucker.
9) It is possible to have a conversation with your eyes.
10) Some things never even have a chance.

Once the real lesson becomes clear, I will let you know.

2 jobs for 1 pay

Yes, I have done it--I may or may not be doing it now--I am sure that many do it. It's like being on a 8 hour date, 5 days a week! But that doesn't mean that it's a good thing. It can be, but not always.

Having more than just a working relationship with someone that you work with--it's fun, it's exciting. It may even be scandalous.
But once that shit becomes a problem--it's time to let it go.

How is this ever expected to end well? Shit happens. Feelings get in the way. Bosses get nosey. Co-workers gossip and talk shit about you behind your back. There are questions. Some may even be bold enough to ask you. Others will just let their speculation be spoken as the truth. People will take others word as the mother fuckin gospel. When co-workers are fucking, everyone wants to hear all the dirt. Everyone wants to know what is going on. People believe what they want. No matter what the real truth is. If you admit to it--you are fucking. If you deny it--you are fucking. Let's face it--that's just the way it is.

The people involved can't go to lunch together. They can't ride the elevator together. They can't be seen talking to each other. There can be no jokes, no laughing, they can't even look at each other.
Because that will confirm what everyone is thinking. They are fucking.

Let's just say, I have never admitted to anything. I don't really deny it either. I just play along, laugh about it and keep on walking. I just let everyone think what they want. I call him my man (which he is not), I call him my husband (which clearly he is not) and I call him my baby daddy (which he also is not) I say that I love him (which I have convinced myself that I do...AND?....) I can do what the fuck I want, last time I checked, I am an adult..I do not offend anyone, we all laugh about it at work. I give very few details about what we do after work...which since APRIL has been nothing, because I am still kinda pissed at him. I have never confirmed that anything sexual has happened. If it has--it has, and is no one's business. If it hasn't--it hasn't. And is still no one's business.

Yes, it is known that we attended my (not our MY) Holiday party together LAST DECEMBER. That's basically when all the gossip started (as I knew it would). And it is known (for whatever reason, because it is completely irrevelant to anything) that he picked me up at the airport after a business trip IN FEBRUARY at which time my boss asked me if we "were together" to which I replied "no--He and I are just friends" to which he replied "Brenda-you don't have to lie to me..it's not a big deal" to which I then said.."We are just friends" and that was the end of that....so now this is JULY bitches, and you JUST now want to question our relationship?
Is all this investigation shit necessary? Clearly, it's a waste of time. No one knows anything for sure. And no one ever will. Except me. and him.

So can anyone tell me at point does this become my (or his) employers business? There is not a fraternization policy in effect, people are dippin their pens all up in the company ink on every floor and in every department. It just so happens, that I am me. and he is him.

My theory, is that's what this is all about. It has nothing to do with work not being done. It has nothing to do with special favors, or preferential treatment. It has nothing to do with any company violation. It has nothing to do with any inappropriate behavior. It is just because I am the her. and he is the him. Period.

If I want to do 2 jobs for 1 pay, that's my goddamn business. Shit, I may even be doing 3 jobs for 1 pay. Who really knows?

Truer words were never spoken

Sometimes I think I am my own worst enemy. I cause my own fucking drama. But, let me first say, that I HATE drama. Of any kind. But it seems that I am the perpetuater.
Me and this mouth.

I can't really go into details. But it seems as though there is some shit going on. Some shit with one of my men. Some shit, that could potentially be bad. Well, it already is bad, but it can get worse.
And it seems that part of the reason for this shit going on, is because of me. talking. shit.
being. me.

What? you say.. Not her! yep. her.
me.
fucking around with the wrong person, around the wrong people.
The fucking nosey bitches that can NOT mind their own goddamn business.
The haters that always have to blow someone elses spot.
The fuckers that feel as though we live in the land of dictatorship.
The assholes that think that they can tell me who and what I can and can not do.
How you gonna tell a grown-ass woman what to do? I mean a grown-grown ass woman.
How you gonna tell me who I can see on my own fucking time? How is that?
Who has the time to worry about the actions of an adult, that don't affect anyone?
They are trying to take my man away! They have taken my man away.
For now.
Everything happens for a reason. And maybe this just needs to be done.
Maybe this is someone trying to tell me something, and I need to listen.


I just hope that this turns out well. For both of us.

But in the words of sexy man many, many months ago..
"Brenda, this will NEVER end well. Never."

I don't think he meant it would end like this, but he was right.

In Threes!

THREE THINGS I DON'T UNDERSTAND:
[1] Why men do what they do
[2] Why I do what I do
[3] Why people don’t leave me alone when I am sleeping

THREE THINGS ON MY DESK:
[1] MAC Lipglass
[2] Picture of me and the boy
[3] My Princess Pen (LOL!)

THREE THINGS I'M DOING RIGHT NOW:
[1] Thinking about sexy man
[2] looking to see if my boss is coming
[3] looking in the mirror to see how I look

THREE THINGS I WANT TO DO BEFORE I DIE:
[1] Live in another state
[2] get married, even if it’s not till my 50’s
[3] Find the PERFECT JOB!

THREE THINGS I CAN DO:
[1] Cook
[2] talk SHIT
[3] sleep anytime/anyplace

THREE WAYS TO DESCRIBE MY PERSONALITY:
[1] Clever
[2] Hilarious
[3] passionate

THREE THINGS I CAN'T DO:
[1] Whistle with my fingers
[2] Roll my R’s
[3] keep my damn mouth shut

THREE THINGS I THINK YOU SHOULD LISTEN TO:
[1] your instincts
[2] Your Instincts
[3] YOUR INSTINCTS

THREE THINGS I DON'T THINK YOU SHOULD LISTEN TO EVER:
[1] anyone that can’t look you in the eye
[2] telemarketers
[3] people that think they are better than you

THREE THINGS YOU SAY:
[1] Fuck
[2] REEEELLY?!
[3] CLEARLY...

THREE THINGS YOU WISH YOU TOOK MORE SERIOUSLY WHEN YOU WERE YOUNGER:
[1] School
[2] my parents
[3] drinking and driving

THREE OF YOUR ABSOLUTE FAVORITE FOODS:
[1] crab cakes
[2] steak and cheese sub
[3] chicken marsala from Olive Garden

THREE THINGS YOU'D LIKE TO LEARN:
[1] To speak Spanish fluently
[2] To play a musical instrument
[3] How to communicate better

THREE BEVERAGES YOU DRINK REGULARLY:
[1] Coffee
[2] Sierra Mist
[3] Water

THREE SHOWS YOU WATCHED WHEN YOU WERE A KID:
[1] Gilligan’s Island
[2] The Flintstones
[3] The Brady Bunch

THREE THINGS YOU WISH YOU NEVER DID:
[1] hooked up with someone that I work with
[2] fell in love with the wrong man
[3] wasted so much time doing nothing

THREE THINGS YOU WISH PEOPLE WOULD LEARN TO DO:
[1] Realize that everything is not about them
[2] Understand that life is NOT FAIR!
[3] Know that you can love anyone you want. For whatever reason.

DETOX

I just can't let it go. And I keep asking myself, why the hell not?

There is nothing holding me to this man. Nothing. We don't really have a history, and surely no future. I try not to give this man any parts of me. I try not to take anything from him. But there is something about him.

Something that makes me want to be in his presence. Something that makes me want him. But there are things that just don't make sense. Something is just not right. . And because I don't know what it is, I can't understand it. I can't justify walking away. I don't want to.
I need him. And I know it.
I think most of what I feel for him, is not really about him. It's not about anything physical. It's about me.

It's about how I feel when I am near him. It's about how he makes me laugh. Even at myself.
It's about insight. It's about perspective. It's about the way he allows me be myself. Never making me put on a front. It's about how he lets me do what I want. without obstacles.
It's about his sexiness. His smell. Understanding things about me that I don't even think he knows he understands. It's about all the things that make me love him, in my own little way, for my own stupid reasons.

When I am not with him, I can feel his hands running thru my hair. I can hear his breathing. I can feel his presence. I can hear him whisper my name. I can remember what it feels like to lay up underneath him all night. Even if it was only once. I can feel the passion everywhere. It's intoxicating.

I can't let go. For whatever reasons. Clearly not valid enough. I need to step back. re-evaluate. Focus. I need to stop drinking this man in every time I see him. I need to let him go.
For me.

Sending my baby off with a STRANGER!

I have been going thru a lot of baby daddy drama lately. He has been threatening to take me to court for joint-custody. I think after our last conversation, this might be exactly what he does. **It seems that he got served with his child support papers, and is really not happy about it. I think the words he used were "heartless bitch". Oh, well.**
He has threatened this before, and it got me really upset. I don't know if he would ever get joint custody, but just the thought of me having to fight to keep my child, scares me.

I wish I could make others see how horrible this situation would be, as many of my friends think it would be good for the boy to see his dad on a regular basis, even to live with him part time. The boy is about to be 10, and I guess there are some that think that he should start spending more time with his father, it will give me free time, and time to myself, blah, blah, blah. I disagree.

I mean, sure..I would love some free time, to catch up on reading, laundry, cleaning..have overnight guests that are not kicked out at 6 am, before the boy wakes up, so he won't see them creeping out of his house. I would love to live the single life 2 weekends out of the month! I would love to be able to sleep in, 2 weeks out of the month. because I don't have to get the boy up and get him in the shower, and follow his every move in the morning to make sure he's getting ready, and make him breakfast..but ya know what?
I would rather do this than send my child with a irresponsible, reckless stranger.
That's right. I look at my baby daddy just like any other stranger on the street.

The boy barely knows his father. I mean, he knows who he is, but he is afraid that his father will not bring him back home. In fact, he has a "plan" that will go into effect, should he get the feeling that his father is not going to bring him back. He even advised me that if he is not brought back in a timely manner, I am to call the police! Why in the hell should a 10 year old child have these worries? Especially about one of his parents! He is afraid of his father, and rightfully so. Aren't we all afraid of strangers, to a certain extent? He has no idea what makes his father tick. He has no bond, and no trust. He doesn't say much, because he doesn't know what pisses his father off. He will not disagree with him, or speak his mind. He is not free when he is with him. He is not himself. His spirit is gone.
So...
Imagine, having to turn over your child, to the person that you hate most in this world.
Imagine, having to send your child with a person that hates you, and knows this is the only thing that he can do that will affect you.
Imagine, having a complete dread, everytime that you send your child with this person, because you know that he is not responsible.
Imagine, having to send your child with a person, that you have no idea where they live~ if something happened, I would have no idea where to even start. Oh, hell no.
Imagine, wondering for 6 or 8 hours, if your baby daddy is where is says he is with your child, or he is 6 or 8 hours closer to Canada or Mexico.
Imagine, having to wonder if your child is safe, or is at the hospital, or if baby daddy is watching him, or sleeping. Or whatever.
Imagine, sending your child with a stranger.

Imagine having to decide if your baby daddy loves your child more than he hates you. ~~Because that ultimately dictates how your child will be treated by him.~~

I have been thru all this, trying to do the right thing. Going against my gut, and my "mother" instincts. But not anymore, and never again.
Just watch and see.

The Sixth Sense is in FULL EFFECT

I mentioned the other day that I have a sixth sense. Well, it's in full effect. It's a little off..but still.

Yesterday, I talked to baby daddy on the phone. I have not heard from him since Father's Day, but he has been calling me like a fucking lunatic since the weekend. I have not been answering, but have always believed in the "keep your friends close, but your enemies closer" saying, so as it goes, I finally did. We have this big argument, and I finally tell him that this is why I don't answer when he calls. I hang up on him.

He proceeds to call me at work. Atleast 5 times. one.right.after.the.other. I wish he would just go away. So, when I finally answer, he wants to see the boy TODAY, and he believes there is nothing wrong with these requests. The boy has a life. I have a life. We do things. Despite what he may think, we do not sit at home, doing nothing and wait for his call.

Anyway..the sixth sense thing..Baby daddy was really mad. Yelling and cursing..and callin me all kinds of bitches. So when I hang up on him, I start thinking..this motherfucker is just deranged enough to come up to my job and shoot shit the fuck up. He probably wouldn't purposely hurt anyone but me, but this is the kind of mentality he has. So, I am thinking, how we have a security guard down stairs, but he has no gun, and I don't see any of the men here tryin' to be the hero. Yep, if baby daddy came up in here blastin' I would be a gone-er! Then, I remember that he don't really know where I sit, exactly..so maybe by the time he got here, I would be hiding under my desk? Shit, I dunno. It's just what I was thinking.

So I get to work this morning, and everyone is talking about THIS. Tell me why the fuck this IS RIGHT IN THE NEXT BUILDING FROM WHERE I WORK.

*wiping sweat from forehead*

It turns out, yesterday was not my day to go. But Gahdamn! Why it gotta be so close, and why I gotta know about it before it happens.
Damn Sixth Sense.

101 Random Things About Me

~you might be surprised~

1. I am a single mom and I am not bitter about it because
2. my son is the most important person in the my life ever but
3. I locked him in the car by accident when he was a baby
4. I love coffee without sugar, lotsa milk and
5. I like hot tea..but not as much as coffee
6. I depend on my friends more than my family
7. I have a cousin, and we barely spoke for years and years apparently because
8. he had some opinions about me from along time ago that are no longer valid but
9. now I love him to death and
10. we talk a lot and get along well
11. There are 2 sexy men in my life
12. one of them I work with and
13. the other I met thru a friend of mine
14. I love them both.
15. neither of them love me back but
16. I don’t care.
17. They serve 2 different needs in my life
18. One of them hurt my feelings, but
19. I will get over that shit.
20. The other one has dread locks and
21. leaves his hair ties all over my house
22. he’s caught up, but refuses to acknowledge it
23. my son’s father has been trying to get back together with me for 5 years.
24. That’s how long it has been since we broke up.
25. I broke up with him because he is a cheater
26. I will never trust him..ever
27. our relationship is a love-hate.
28. more hate than love.
29. He comes around when he feels like it and when he does
30. he bitches and complains and acts a fool most of the time
31. He pays no child support but I have filed a case against him
32. I suppose it’s lost in the system. Whatever
33. I had 2 relationships that lasted exactly 6 years
34. I lived with both of these men
35. I think I have a six year itch.
36. I told my last man that he would only have me for 6 years but
37. it only lasted 2. shudda been 2 months.
38. that’s when I knew shit was not gonna work
39. I hate selfish and self centered people
40. I have a 1 brother he is married
41. His wife is fabulous.
42. they have a boy child as well
43. my dad died in 1988
44. I was 21 years old
45. I think that was the worst day of my life thus far
46. my mom and I have a good relationship
47. I can say anything (including bad words) to her
48. she says them too!
49. She gave birth to me 8 days after turning 16
50. she had my brother a month shy of turning 15
51. I am very philosophical
52. All my friends hang out at my place
53. someone once said that I need a revolving front door
54. I give pretty good advice most of the time
55. I think I am the funniest person that I know
56. People have gone as far as to call me clever.
57. I take that as a complement.
58. I am a smoker but
59. I only drink socially if at all
60. I am a perfume freak
61. I have at least 50 different scents
62. I am also a purse freak and
63. I love shoes but
64. I wear flip-flops mostly everywhere
65. I use the “F” word way too much and
66. I also use “really?” whenever I get a chance
67. My new word is “clearly” I say that a lot too
68. I never get enough sleep because
69. I usually stay up past midnight during the week and
70. I am usually 5 minutes late for work every day
71. I hate being late but
72. Dr. Phil says I love being late. That’s why I am late
73. I think Dr. Phil’s book “Relationship Rescue” is the best self-help book I have ever read
74. I choose my battles wisely
75. Either you love me or you hate me there is no in-between
76. I love it when a man smells good because
77. smelling good makes a man 50 percent more fuckable
78. I spend way too much money on dumb shit
79. I hate fast food
80. I prefer to cook and I am good at it
81. I was engaged once but
82. I have never been married and for the most part
83. I enjoy being single
84. I have 12 earrings in 1 ear. I have had them since 1983
85. I also have my nose pierced.
86. I let my son get his ear pierced when he was 7
87. I read my horoscope daily and
88. I own Tarot cards
89. I have one really good male friend.
90. We hang out a few nights a week together but
91. I have never slept with him
92. my favorite color is red
93. I love MAC lipglass
94. I believe that true love exists
95. I believe that what goes around comes around
96. I wear my pajamas out in public sometimes
97. I sleep with a fan on every night
98. I love Eric Jerome Dickey books, but
99. I haven’t read a book in 2 years
100. I have a magic 8 ball
101. This took me about 20 minutes to do and has been fun.

I wasn't speeding! My sixth sense told me not to.

I have a sixth sense. It is not always in full effect, but when it happens, it is right on point.

So, yesterday morning..I am walking to the car with the boy and his lil'friend, to drop them off at camp. And as usual, I am running late.

**Mainly, because the boy decided that instead of getting ready for camp, he would sit on the couch and bullshit with his little buddy. I started yelling at him, then he couldn't find his socks, or his shoes..or anything for that matter. I was pissed, because I knew I would be late to work. The more I bitched, the less he could do. He is just unable to cope when I am going off.--so I leave him alone, It's my own fault, anyway for not getting up earlier.**

So, I am walking to the car, and I get this feeling about getting pulled over on my way to work--for something. I assume speeding--and I have a vivid image of this, so I decide to not speed this morning, which I usually do. I take the back roads to the camp. And as I started to pick up speed, I thought, even though these are back roads..don't speed! Or you're gonna get a ticket today!

So I take my time, driving just a little above the speed limit. Being very cautious. Just as I am about to turn the last corner..I can see the camp from where I am..I hear a siren. I look in the rear view and I see a police car, with the lights on. He is driving like 50 miles an hour. I need to get out of the way, because there is NO way that he is coming after me that fast, I had just got done waiting for the light to turn green..and besides, I wasn't speeding.

So I move over to the side of the road. The officer is still behind me..Damn, go around fucker, I think.
So, I bend the last corner before the Sports Club where I am dropping the boys off. And this fucker pulls RIGHT BEHIND ME.
SHIT! I say out loud.

So this little black man gets out of the police car. I mean this man was prolly 5 feet and some change. I watch him walk to my car in my side view mirror. He has his chest poked out, and is pimpin' when he walks! WHAT THE FUCK? He was acting like I was a serial killer, and he was the man!

My window was already down, "WHERE'S YOUR SEATBELT?" he asks. I was SO NOT IN THE MOOD for this little man.
"Right there" as I point to my seatbelt. Of course, I was not wearing it, and I was just pointing to where it rested. Right after I said it, I knew I was getting a ticket. After I gave him my license and registration and he walked back to the car, the lecture began.

"Mom"...started the boy. "How many times do I have to tell you to wear your seatbelt..?"
"They really mean click-it or ticket" he said referring to the commercials. "Please mom, wear your seatbelt, and by the way, I saw that Newport thing that came in the mail..."(huh? what does that have to do with anything?)

The boy looks back at Mr. Policeman. "Mom..you ARE getting a ticket.."
"How do you know?" I question.
"It's blue. and I see him writing it...what's taking him so long?"
"That's how they do..they write slow on purpose." I say.

And sure'nuf, a few minutes later, here he comes, complete with my blue $25.00 ticket in his hand. I just had to make 1 more smart ass comment. "Did you double check, to make sure I'm not a wanted criminal?" I ask him in all seriousness. He gave me that look, like he didn't check, but told me to have a nice day nonetheless. Thanks fucker.

GREAT. Brutha police man can't even give me a break. That's just what I expect these days.
Damn.

Where did the love go? The Final Chapter

So as you can tell, this relationship was based on lies and deceit. From day one. It took me a long time to realize that I played a part in how things went down..for the longest time, I just wanted to blame him. I wanted everything to be his fault. He cheated. He lied. He started all our fights and problems. He called me a bitch. He ran the streets, instead of working on our issues.
And I allowed it.

Things were bad. But I loved him so much and I wanted things to work, so I allowed him to do whatever he wanted as long as he came back to me. Which he always did.
He wanted to be free. And eventually, I gave him exactly what he waited for the 6 long years we were together. When he finally got it, he didn't want it. He wanted no parts of being free. He wanted me, but I had finally got to the point, that no matter what he offered, I was not willing to take the risk. There was no payoff great enough to make me deal with this man another day. Sure, he got himself a new girlfriend, and gave her everything that I deserved. He treated her, like I should have been treated--he respected her. He gave her everything that should have been mine. It took me sometime to realize, that I had no reason to envy her. She was in a miserable situation, she just didn't know it yet. Soon enough, he would treat her the same way he treated me.
And he did.

I initially thought that writing this would make me remember how much I loved him, and perhaps I would not feel so much hatred and animosity towards him. I think, however, that it did the opposite. It just confirmed that he never really loved me--not ever the way that I needed to be loved. It confirmed that we had nothing special--I'm sure that he had the same exact thing with all the other women that he was runnin. It confirmed that he is a reckless individual that has no respect for me--and probably never will. It confirmed that I wasted 6 years of my life trying to make him happy--while allowing myself to be miserable.
It reminded me that the only good thing that came out of this relationship, was the boy--Who BTW will NEVER treat women this way--and I thank God for him.
And finally, it reminded me why I hate him so much, and why I can't find it in myself, not even in my heart to ever forgive him.

So where did the love go? Nowhere. It was never there.

Where did the love go?-part 5

August 1995. I finally give birth to the boy. Baby daddy leaves the hospital as soon as he was born. I am in the hospital for 5 days... He comes everyday, but never stays for long. On Friday evening, he comes to pick me up to take me home. He drops me and the boy off in the driveway. When I walk in, my mother was there with baby daddy's daughter. It seems that baby daddy had picked her up earlier in the day, even after I had already asked him to tell her mother that we could not get her that weekend...I had a C-section and a newborn baby. I was not ready to deal with someone elses child so that they could run the fuckin streets. But as it was.. I didn't see him again until Monday morning.

Baby daddy wanted very little to do with the boy. He wouldn't hold him. Never changed a diaper. Never fed him. He said that he was waiting until he got older, so that they could do stuff together. He sometimes would take his daughter out for the day kicking and screaming, and leave the boy and I at home by ourselves. He would purposely take my car and the keys to his car, just to make sure we were stuck in the house.

I got into a huge argument with baby mama. I loved baby daddy's daughter. We were road dogs every weekend for 2 years. Sometimes she would call me mommy. If we were out somewhere, I didn't correct her. No need. It was all good. Baby mama said that her daughter would not be coming over anymore. She didn't really mean it, but if efforts to let her know that I was not to be threatened, I made her stick to it for a few weekends. I never saw baby daddy's daughter again. A few months later, her and her mama moved out of Maryland.

Baby daddy, being a creature of habit, always wrote himself little "to do" lists. I came across one of them one day, and it talked about "check on Antoine to see where he is living--paying too much child support." When I confronted him on this, as expected, he denied it. I knew he was lying. Everything that came out of his mouth was a lie.

I hated him and I wanted to leave him. He had other women, their panties and bras were all over my house. ..they called the house...he called them..our phone bill was riddled with long distance numbers. I bitched and complained and the calls stopped. But baby daddy's motto was deny, deny, deny. Then, one night, I heard the faint sound of a phone ringing. I got out of bed to see what it was. It seems that baby daddy had a cell phone, and some bitch was calling at 3am. He was asleep on the couch holding the phone in his hand. I kicked him in his leg, and went back to bed. The next morning, he denied the whole thing. He claimed there was no cell phone. He told me I was crazy. I was starting to think that for once, he was telling the truth. I felt like a crazy bitch. I didn't trust him. I refused to have sex with him, for fear of getting a disease. I didn't want to go anywhere with him. For what? I was done pretending that we were the happy couple. But I still loved him. And I just wanted him to act right. I tried everything under the sun to get him to love me back. Nothing worked.

I got a new job. Working for the Office of Child Support. They opened a new customer service call center, and they mass hired. We all went thru training together. The first day that our computers were up and running, I put baby daddy's social security number in~just for the fuck of it. When the results came back, I almost fell the fuck out.

Baby daddy had 4 child support cases. Count them..one..two..three..FOUR!
Four different baby mama's. I made 5. All the kids had his last name. All the kids had a derivative of his first name. There was Anthony, Antoine, and Antonio, and then his daughter. I went in the bathroom and threw up. I packed my shit up and went home. There was no way I could work. I was literally sick. by this time, the boy was 2.

"Dem kids ain't mine!" ~~need I say more? He denied that those were his children. I mean fo'real..He must really think immafuckinidiot. Day-um. It was a fucking nightmare. Simple as that.

The next 2 years were literally a blur. I was just surviving. I don't even know how I functioned. I did my work thing, came home and took care of the boy. I paid all the bills, and made sure the boy had what he needed. Baby daddy kept all his money, and never offered me a dollar. He was too busy runnin bitches and taking care of their kids.

Right after the boy turned 4, I could no longer deal with the way things were going. I decided to move back to my moms for a while. Baby daddy was coming too, only he just had no idea what he was about to get himself into. My mother's house. My rules. I was about to regain some of the power. and perhaps some of my dignity. He barely helped me move OUR shit. He was out runnin the streets. I did most of the packing and moving and with each box that I packed and carried, I became more and more empowered. How dare this motherfucker leave me to do all this shit by myself, I thought.
Thats alright, that's alright, I kept saying. Things are about to change.

Baby daddy slept in his car a lot after this. If he wasn't in at a reasonable time, the doors were locked. I told him "don't even knock motherfucker, 'cuz I will call the police and say that you don't live there, and my mother will swear to it. Don't fuck with me, because we are back on my turf now." He acted a fool for the first 3 or 4 months, he couldn't help himself.
But then something changed in him. He started to be the man that he once was.

But it was too much, too late. I wonder now, just how sincere he was in his efforts, I think around a month prior to this, he found out that he had gotten someone else pregnant. We were living together while he made child number 6. With baby mama number 6. I was still in the dark about this--but you know what they say..everything that you do in the dark comes to light.

Then, I found the pictures. And I could no longer deny what was right in front of me.
And, that my friends, was the end.

Where did the love go?--part 4

"Where the fuck you been?" she yells. I don't even know what he said. I didn't care. He needed to control his woman, makin' all this fuckin' noise in front of my building. I got in my car, and rolled out. Not because I was afraid of her. Because, it was my birthday, and I was not in the mood for this shit. Let him explain himself, I thought. I am not getting involved in their shit. Besides, this bitch is psycho.

Little did I know, this was just the beginning of the baby mama drama that I would be dealing with for years to come.

Probably about 3 weeks later, I am chillin on my couch. In my place. Watching TV. I hear my front door open and slam shut. What the fuck? I grab my burner and who walks around the corner, looking smack down the barrel of my snub nose? Train Wreck herself. "Get the fuck outta my house, bitch." I yell. I was about to blow homegirl to smithereens.
She turns to go outside, and with a .38 pointed right at her back she says..LOL--"Who has pink walls in their living room?"

"I do bitch--and so does your man" ~LOL~ I can be so obnoxious!
So, she leaves. and not 10 minutes later. Baby daddy to be is callin'. Train wreck called him and told him that I pulled a gun on her and that I was crazy. "Oh, that bitch ain't seen crazy..yet" I told him. I told him that this bitch just walked in my house, and she was lucky she wasn't dead.. He simply said "You're a trip. But you can't do shit like that!"

I got a really good look at this bitch, and decided to give her a new name. Larry-Moe-Curley. LOL, because she looked like the 3 Stooges all wrapped into one scary person. She looks kinda like this-hair and all!

A few months later, she comes to my house again. She wants to talk, she says. She wants me to put him out, so that he will have no other choice than to come back home. to her. She needs help with rent, and bills. He just rolled out on her and left her with a child, no car, their apartment, and all the bills.
Screeeeetch! **brakes applied again** So basically, this bitch was telling me that they were living together when we met. They were together when we met. And he left her to be with me. She also told me that they were still fucking. She explained that he had 2 other kids. 3 in total. I wasn't sure that she was telling me the truth. She sounded way too desperate. Like she would say anything. but if she was telling the truth, that meant that this motherfucker was a liar, and a cheater.
and I loved him.

So, I confront him. I wanted to leave him, I wanted him out of my house and my life. I was too young and had too much going on to deal with this bullshit. See what happens when you break your own rules? I thought. But he denies that he has other children. He denies that they were together when we met. He denies that he is fucking her. I believed him.

The next day, I am headed to the beach. It was hard to leave, since we had so much drama the night before. He was not going. He drove down to the beach in the middle of the week to hang out for the day~~ 1 month later, I was pregnant. Jesus Christ, I think. WTF am I gonna do now? I tell him. The first thing out of his mouth, was "get an abortion" WwwWHUT? I told him that if I did, that we were through. Done. Just like that. I could not allow him to tell me what to do, without talking about it. I was confused and scared but ultimately, I told him that he could stay or go--it made no difference. I was having this baby with or without him. I was pissed that he was such a dick about it all.

After the initial shock, he eventually became content. Things went back to normal. He seemed happy again. But God works in mysterious ways, and 3 months later, I miscarried. I was all parts of distraught. He didn't seem as upset, but told me that we would make another baby. And we did.

When I was about 3 or 4 months pregnant, things started to fall apart. There was no sex. No love. No kind words. Everything was a fight. I felt as though I had no control over anything. Things were his way, or no way. He bitched and complained. Our relationship was shit. He stayed out late, many nights not even coming home at all. He quit job after job. He had no respect for me, or our relationship. He never answered his pager, I never knew where he was. When he finally did come home, sometimes days later, he would tell me some crazy shit..Like he fell asleep in his car. What are you, Rip Van Winkle, motherfucker? He even told me he was locked up. (Whatever!) He waged a verbal assault on me whenever possible.


He said some of the harshest things to me while I was pregnant. Things that I can quote to this day. It was to the point where I was having self-issues..he made me feel unwanted and unattractive. Where I started to question myself. This is when I started to hate him, and all I wanted to do was sleep. Oh, don't worry, I was not submissive to this by any means. I had plenty to say, too. And I said it. I was miserable and mean. I had the ability to hurt his feelings like no other. And whenever he started, the beast in me came out. He never failed to bring out the worst in me, and I often wondered how I ever got myself into this mess, and if I was ever gonna be happy again.

By this time, this fool had court ordered visitation. We had his daughter every weekend. EVERY WEEKEND. from Friday to Sunday. She was 2 and some change. Sometimes her mama wouldn't show up at the meeting place on Sunday evenings to collect her child. She sent nothing but the clothes on her back, and when I picked her up on Fridays, she was a filthy mess. Her hair was a disaster. Her clothes were not climate appropriate, and were usually too small. Not a diaper in sight. He would never confront her mama on this, and it pissed me off. I often wondered whose side he was on. He agreed to whatever baby mama wanted. And left me to take care of it. He defended baby mama, no matter if what I said was the truth or just spoken out of anger and frustration. I bought his daughter everything she needed while she was with me. I took her shopping, I found her playmates. She wanted nothing to do with him so I took her everywhere I went. I got up with her in the morning, or the middle of the night. When her mama picked her up on Sundays, she would cry and kick and scream. She didn't want to go. She wanted to stay with me. Her mother hated me. And I hated her mother.

We moved from my 1 bedroom condo, to a house in my mothers neighborhood. This would prove to be one of many mistakes that I would make.

I was 7 months pregnant, worked 60 hours a week, and was the free babysitter while her mama did her thing and her daddy ran the streets all weekend. Her parents had made a fool out of me. And I let it happen.

I resented her mama, her daddy, and eventually I began to resent her.

Where did the love go?-part 3

So I am looking at this picture. This is my daughter, he tells me. His only child he says.
She looks to be about 1. -- I do some quick math and determine that that equals approximately 17 years of baby mama drama, and 17 years of child support. After my last relationship, I decided that I will not deal with a man with children. Period.
That was my new rule--in full effect.

I was too free back then, too much of a party girl, and too selfish to want to go thru my life with a tag along child. That was my choice, I just didn't want the responsibility of taking care of someone's else's child and dealing with the mama of said child.

Where is her mother? I ask.
She is around, he tells me.
Great, I think.
LOL, not that she should be dead or anything..I was just hoping they lived in another state. or country.

He pulls out a picture of the child's mother. Eeeeeek! She looks like a train wreck. just a mess. a hot ass mess.

She looks evil, I say.
He just looks at me.
Are you still with her? I ask--just to make sure.
No, he says. We don't get along.

So he takes me back to work. And he calls. All the girls that I work with were commenting on how handsome he was. How polite. How well spoken. And how he looked at me.
I noticed that too. He looked at me like he never wanted to take his eyes off of me. Like I was the only person in the world. Like he loved me.

I think, this can't be so bad. This man seems like the type to not let his baby mama run all over him. Surely, he will understand that we need 'us ' time. Maybe I will try this and see what happens.

So our relationship began. We went out to dinner, movies, Haines Point--damn near everywhere in DC. There was never a dull moment. It was a few weeks before I gave up the goods. The sex was just okay. Dammit. But I figured--it's newbie sex--it will get better.
The more that grew to love him, the better the sex appeared to be. He was freaky, but in a selfish way. He never really left me saying "damn, where the hell am I?" that's the kind of sex I'm talkin about. I think, as it turned out, that I was freakier than him! But that's a whole 'nother story..

So, fast forward to April. He was basically staying with me. His clothes were there, his stuff was there. He was there. All the time. I loved being with him. We were alike in so many ways.
We finished each other's sentences. We were soul-mates. He brought his daughter around a few times, but basically, it was me. and him. We talked about our future. We talked about getting married. We talked about our house and all the babies we would have. We couldn't get enough of each other. I wondered where this man had been all my life. He did and said all the right things. I was in love. And he was too.

On my birthday, I was going to my mothers to hang out. He was going to work. We left my (our) apartment together. He was about 10 steps ahead of me. When I walked out, I see someone quickly approaching him. A woman. I get a closer look, and it's none other than (oh, Lawd!) train wreck.

Where did the love go?--part 2

So I am driving home. I think back to the last time that I met this idiot.

March 1991. I am on my way to work. 7:45 am. I stop at the gas station to get some gas and Newports. (LMAO!! does this sound familiar?) I see a fine brutha standing in the service bay. We make eye contact. He walks over to my car. He says "What's a pretty girl like you doing pumpin her own gas?" (ROFLMAO!) We exchange numbers. He calls. We are talking. The getting to know each other shit. He tells me he does not have a girlfriend. I tell him that I do not have a man--he just recently moved out of my apartment. So, after talking about 15 minutes this freak starts talking sexual shit. Just plain'ol disrespectful shit. Eatin' pussy. Fuckin' in the ass. just crazy shit. All the things he wanted to do to me when he saw me next.
I was just not ready for this. It was such a turn-off. I made an excuse to get off the phone.

He called the next day and the next. I never answered the phone. I was not privy to caller ID back then. Nor did I have a cell. I literally NEVER answered my phone until after the answering machine picked up, and I knew who was calling. I never, ever wanted to talk to this man again.

And I didn't. I lived my life. I did my thing. For 3 years, and never, ever once thought about this man.

So imagine my panic when I realize that this is the same muhfucker. But I wonder, is this fate? Is this a sign? What are the chances of me running into this fool twice? With 3 years in between? Is this the man that I was meant to be with? But, once I get home, I never give him a second thought.

Problem was, not only did I not give him a second thought, I was not thinking clearly when three weeks later, I dropped my car off for an oil change and tune up. At the same damn place. I go in the evening to pick up my car. Guess who's working? Baby daddy to be.
I pick up my car, and we talk for a few minutes. I confirm that this is the same nasty fool from before. At that point, I shudda ran like the wind.
He tells me that he doesn't have a woman, and that he would like to get together. I tell him maybe. (lie!)

I really had no intentions hooking up with this man. NONE.

A few days later, I am at work and guess who calls? mmmmmhmmmm. Seems he got my work number off my paperwork for my car. And my name. and my address. Jesus christ. I shudda called the police on his ass then. Of course, I was somewhat flattered. I could not, however, forget the reason that I stopped talking to him in the first place. But now, I was a little bit older, and a little more receptive to the freakiness.

That day he comes up to my work. He takes me to lunch. He drives a big 'ol pimp hoopty Caddy. He pulls out a picture. He shows it to me.
Screeeeeeetchhhhhhhhhhh. *me putting the skids on--hold the fuck-up*

Oh hell naw, I think. Not again.